The best way to prepare for the zombie apocalypse is to stock up on guns and flamethrowers. And ice. I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna be hella pissed if chaos ensues and blood and brains are everywhere and I can’t get a cold drink. Everyone knows you can’t fight zombies with a parched pallet, and tepid water just will not do.
Perhaps the absolute most important thing you can do to prepare for the zombie apocalypse is to blog about it. Obviously. Blogging is the answer to everything. Which is why my friend Danielle at MotherhoodTruth created Zombie Tuesday. Because we all know when this shit goes down, it’s starting on a Tuesday.
This is first time I’m linking up with Danielle, because honestly? I’m not a zombie expert.
Shhh. Don’t tell anyone. It’s kind of embarrassing.
The only thing I do know is that zombies have big asses, an annoying voice and view marriage as a giant publicity stunt.
Oh wait. That’s Kim Kardashian. It’s amazing how easily I get the two confused. (No disrespect to zombies, of course.)
Perhaps I should do some research. Be back in a sec…
Okay, so according to the Google these are some things you should know about zombies and the impending apocalypse:
- Zombies want to eat you
- Stay in densely populated areas
- Stock up on food
- Sacrifice your friends whenever possible
- Remove a zombie's head from it's body to destroy it
Truthfully, though? You should have fear. Lots of it.
Because the truth is, zombies are all around you. There is probably a zombie in your home. Yep. They can move right in without you even knowing it. The scariest part is you won’t even recognize it as a zombie. In fact, it will look a lot like you - if the two of you stand in front of a mirror, you won't even know who's who - and it will sound just like you.
That’s right, no low moaning braaaaiiiiins.
In fact, its favorite thing to moan is Orrrrrrrreooooos.
And you’ll be like, “No zombie, I just had 37 Oreos. I cannot eat any more.”
And they’ll be like, “Moooooorrreee.”
You’ll try to ignore it. I’m going to do laundry, you decide. But the zombie, who sounds so much like you it’s eerie, suggests that you sit on the couch. Maybe check the twitter. For just a minute or two. Or possibly an hour. Or twelve.
And you’re like, “No zombie, I must do the laundry.”
And the zombie’s like, “Twiiiiiiiittterrrr.”
And so you give in.
But the zombie tells you no.
You try to argue that’s is three in the afternoon, but she's all, “pajaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaas.”
You agree to stay in your pajamas but tell the zombie you’re at least going to clean the house.
“Noooooooo,” she says.
“But it's November 8th and the Halloween decorations are still up,” you argue.
Somehow the zombie convinces you to NOT put away the Halloween decorations and eat a pound of bacon instead, some of which was left on the counter over-night. You decide that it’s probably not a good idea to eat it. Because you are smart.
But the zombie tries to tell you to eat it and you’re like, “Ever heard of food poisoning?”
And so you eat some. But just a little. And then you consult the internets to see how long you have until your ass explodes from dysentery or e coli or something equally sexy.
The zombie, in that voice that sounds just like yours, tries to convince you it’s not a big deal. Tries to get you to eat more until you finally muster up the courage to throw it away, run from the room and hide under the covers…Which is exactly where the zombie wanted you to end up.
“Take a naaaaaaaaaap. Watch a moooooovie. Grocery shopping? Who caaaaarrrres.”
Do you see how dangerous the zombie is? Before you realize it your house is a mess, you’re smelling your dirty laundry to find something semi-clean to wear, your ass has grown six sizes from Oreo consumption and you’re digging through the trash for rotten bacon.
Wait, what? Okay maybe not that last one.
But the rest? Completely true. Zombies make you lazy. Zombies make you fat. Zombies make you smelly. Zombies make you completely, totally, utterly unproductive.
The truth is, the zombie apocalypse has already started.
So, how many of you have a zombie living in your house?