Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Truth About Zombies

Is there any hotter topic right now than zombies?  I can barely check the twatter, read a blog post or walk down the street without hearing about the zombie apocalypse.  We all know it’s coming.  And we all know it’s going to be bad.  Very bad.

The best way to prepare for the zombie apocalypse is to stock up on guns and flamethrowers.  And ice.  I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna be hella pissed if chaos ensues and blood and brains are everywhere and I can’t get a cold drink.  Everyone knows you can’t fight zombies with a parched pallet, and tepid water just will not do.

Perhaps the absolute most important thing you can do to prepare for the zombie apocalypse is to blog about it.  Obviously.  Blogging is the answer to everything.  Which is why my friend Danielle at MotherhoodTruth  created Zombie Tuesday.    Because we all know when this shit goes down, it’s starting on a Tuesday.

This is first time I’m linking up with Danielle, because honestly?  I’m not a zombie expert.

Shhh.  Don’t tell anyone.  It’s kind of embarrassing.

The only thing I do know is that zombies have big asses, an annoying voice and view marriage as a giant publicity stunt.

Oh wait.  That’s Kim Kardashian.  It’s amazing how easily I get the two confused.  (No disrespect to zombies, of course.)

Perhaps I should do some research.  Be back in a sec…

Okay, so according to the Google these are some things you should know about zombies and the impending apocalypse:
  • Zombies want to eat you
  • Stay in densely populated areas
  • Stock up on food
  • Sacrifice your friends whenever possible
  • Remove a zombie's head from it's body to destroy it
Now this is all very well and good.  But I was shocked that nowhere in my researching did I find reference to the most very dangerous thing about zombies.  I suspect it is because of the great Fear of Retribution should one merely utter their most despicable sin.  But have no fear, Sarcasm Goddess is here!

Truthfully, though?  You should have fear.  Lots of it.

Because the truth is, zombies are all around you.  There is probably a zombie in your home.  Yep.  They can move right in without you even knowing it.  The scariest part is you won’t even recognize it as a zombie.  In fact, it will look a lot like you - if the two of you stand in front of a mirror, you won't even know who's who - and it will sound just like you.

That’s right, no low moaning braaaaiiiiins.

In fact, its favorite thing to moan is Orrrrrrrreooooos.

And you’ll be like, “No zombie, I just had 37 Oreos.  I cannot eat any more.”

And they’ll be like, “Moooooorrreee.”

You’ll try to ignore it.  I’m going to do laundry, you decide.  But the zombie, who sounds so much like you it’s eerie, suggests that you sit on the couch.  Maybe check the twitter.  For just a minute or two.  Or possibly an hour.  Or twelve.

And you’re like, “No zombie, I must do the laundry.”

And the zombie’s like, “Twiiiiiiiittterrrr.”

And so you give in.

Five minutes hours later, you decide you should change out of your pajamas and put some real clothes on. Maybe even some makeup.  You look at the zombie and suggest that maybe she should also put on some real clothes and makeup.

But the zombie tells you no.

You try to argue that’s is three in the afternoon, but she's all, “pajaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaas.”

You agree to stay in your pajamas but tell the zombie you’re at least going to clean the house.

“Noooooooo,” she says.

“But it's November 8th and the Halloween decorations are still up,” you argue.

Somehow the zombie convinces you to NOT put away the Halloween decorations and eat a pound of bacon instead, some of which was left on the counter over-night.  You decide that it’s probably not a good idea to eat it.  Because you are smart.

But the zombie tries to tell you to eat it and you’re like, “Ever heard of food poisoning?”

“Baaaaaaaaaacooooooon.”

“Fine!”

And so you eat some.  But just a little.  And then you consult the internets to see how long you have until your ass explodes from dysentery or e coli or something equally sexy.

The zombie, in that voice that sounds just like yours, tries to convince you it’s not a big deal.  Tries to get you to eat more until you finally muster up the courage to throw it away, run from the room and hide under the covers…Which is exactly where the zombie wanted you to end up.

“Take a naaaaaaaaaap.  Watch a moooooovie.  Grocery shopping?  Who caaaaarrrres.”

Do you see how dangerous the zombie is?  Before you realize it your house is a mess, you’re smelling your dirty laundry to find something semi-clean to wear, your ass has grown six sizes from Oreo consumption and you’re digging through the trash for rotten bacon.

Wait, what?  Okay maybe not that last one. 

But the rest?  Completely true.  Zombies make you lazy.  Zombies make you fat.  Zombies make you smelly.  Zombies make you completely, totally, utterly unproductive.

The truth is, the zombie apocalypse has already started.

So, how many of you have a zombie living in your house?



19 comments:

  1. Well, I'm risking it and coming in to post a comment!

    This is so great! Totally way better than mine. And yes, I believe there IS a zombie in my house. Dammit!

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  2. As you know Kristy (the robot mommy) and I are robots so we don't worry about this.

    Zombies eat brains so I say instead of worrying about killing them, find as many dumb people as you can and sacrifice them.

    This plan will work. You are cordially invited to our first robot brunch after the robot-zombie apocalypse. I'll get back to you on time and place.

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  3. You're hilarious. I know what you mean, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a zombie these days... Or something like that. (Is that a saying or just something weird a friend of mine used to say...) Anyway, I could access your blog via Google.

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  4. Picked up How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse at the library (perhaps I should be ashamed to admit that but...) and they recommend an ax or sharp item for head chopping. Guns require really good aim and noise draws even more zombies. Just wanted you to know so you can be properly prepared.

    Also you'll need a substantial stash of Oreos (double stuffed OBVIOUSLY) if you want to survive...

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  5. Oh, good to know about the noise! And the oreos. Wait. Why oreos?

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  6. Ohh this is GREAT! And yes this shit WILL go down on a Tuesday. I fear I have a few zombies in my house. This is no good. Really not good at all...I'm curious though on how you will keep ice around once the power is gone? :)

    And YAY you linked up!! Thank you and you did FANTASTIC!! See not so scary...well the posting part.

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  7. My zombie keeps pointing at the Halloween candy. Maybe it wasn't such a good choice to ket a 2-year-old go do that much trick or treating.
    Mmmm, Kit Kat... mmm.. arrrrgh...

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  8. Jeez... Is that what's wrong with me?! Here this whole time I just thought I was a lazy piece of smelly shit.

    I'll say to myself "My hair smells. I really need to wash it" and then the voice says "Nooooo put on a haaaaaat" and then the next day I'm all "Duuude, my hair effn reeks and now it hurts. It's been like 4 day's - I really need to wash it" and the voice says "Nooooo throw some baaaby powder in iiiit and ball it uuuuuuup on top of your heeeaaaad." It happens all the time!

    Thanks so much for clearing that up for me. At least I now have some answers. Phew!

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  9. bahahahahaha... my zombie is totally taking over right now...

    I'm all, "I need to go to bed because I need sleep to energize my brain for school"

    Zombie is like, "noooooooo... mooooooooore bloggggggggggs"


    ok zombie, ok.

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  10. bahahahahaha... my zombie is totally taking over right now...

    I'm all, "I need to go to bed because I need sleep to energize my brain for school"

    Zombie is like, "noooooooo... mooooooooore bloggggggggggs"


    ok zombie, ok.

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  11. This is great!
    I live among Zombies: either my alter ego or one of the teenagers living around here....

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  12. Pretty sure zombies are drinking my wine.

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  13. I'm impressed by the zombie's vocabulary, to be honest. LOL

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  14. This is too funny! Can't wait to see what other people have to say! Will tweet this, then bookmark it and come back later to re-read and check out other people's stories (via the link of course because I forgot to check who's blog the linky is hosted on) :)

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  15. Like; there's any way in hell I'm answering any of THOSE questions honestly . .

    .......dhole

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  16. I AM the zombie.

    "Moooooooore.......wasting time surfing when I should be writiiiiiiing......mmmmmmmm......toasty......"

    LOL. Great post!

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  17. I'm certain NaNoWriMo has turned me into a Zombie, if Twitter hasn't already.

    Just ask my husband. He's begun to give me 'that look'. You know, the one they do in the zombie flicks, when they're debating whether or not to 'put em out of their misery for their own good' or not.

    I'm really not sure how this is gonna work out for me...or my netbook.

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  18. This explains so much of what happens in my house. You know, except for the rotten bacon part, we eat all of that before it goes bad.

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.