Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Tragedy of All Tragedies

Many of you probably know that I was the victim of a very terrible tragedy.  My blog was recently infected with a virus.

Well technically, my blog wasn't.  But a blog I had linked on my sidebar was flagged for malware and I was guilty by association.

Cue PANIC ATTACK and IMPENDING SENSE OF DOOM.

I was alerted to this very terrible thing by @chemgirljaime and then @jenannhall and I immediately called the husband and had a nervous breakdown.

He was all, "don't worry, it'll be fine.  let's go to lunch."

And I was all, "DID YOU NOT HEAR ME?!!  MY BLOG IS INFECTED!!!"

He picked me up and drove us to a very fine dining establishment called Ruby Tuesday's and I proceeded to have to lose my shit the entire way.

Me: I'm supposed to find Webmaster Tools.  Webmaster Tools.  Where is it??  Great!  I don't have it!  My blog will be infected FOREVER!!!

We were shown to our table and the husband was all, "let's have a nice lunch and worry about it later.  i'm sure we can fix it."

Me: Nooooooooooo.  We have to fix it NOOOOOOOOOOW.  Find Webmaster Tools.

The husband (taking my phone): here it is.

Me: Gimme!

I followed the steps to find out if I was diagnosed with malware.  And guess what? I wasn't.

Happy day, right?  WRONG!  Google chrome was still telling my followers that I was infected.

Me: What am I going to do!!!  What if I'm infected forever?  I will lose all my followers!  I'll have to start blogging all over again.  No one will ever trust me ever again!  My life will be over!  OVER!

The husband: I'm sure we'll fix it.  Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet.

Me: You say that now, but what if the virus travels to your computer?  To your files?  Last night I backed up my blog to the hard drive.  WHAT IF THE WHOLE HARD DRIVE IS INFECTED?!! AAAAAAA!!!

The husband: I'll worry about that when, if, that happens.  And then I'll deal with it.

Me: You won't be so calm when all your stuff is gone.  FOR-EV-ER!!!!

The husband:  You see this?  How you're acting and how I'm acting?  This is the perfect example of two ways to deal with a potentially bad situation.  You can freak out before you really know anything has happened, or you can remain calm until you know the entire situation.

Me: Something really bad has happened!  MY BLOG IS INFECTED!!!!  AND YOU WON'T BE CALM WHEN ALL OF YOUR FILES ARE DESTROYED!!!  FOREVVVERRRR!!!!

The husband: Put your phone away and let's try to enjoy lunch.

Me: We're going to end up homeless!!

The husband: Eat your salad.

Me: We'll be digging through dumpsters for food!!

The husband: Eat your salad.

Me: I'LL NEVER OWN CUTE SHOES AGAIN!!!!

The husband: Eat your...

Me: Fine.

For those of you who like visuals, here's what "enjoying our lunch" looked like.





We then proceeded to have a "discussion" about mayonnaise.  The husband likes to dip his french fries in it, which makes me want to vomit all over the place.

Me: Mayonnaise is a spread, not a dip.

The husband: It's both.

Me: No, ketchup is both.

The husband: Nope, you're wrong again.

Me: Being wrong again implies I was wrong a first time.  Which I wasn't. I'm never wrong.

The husband: Nope.  Wrong again.

Me: BE NICE TO ME OR I WILL THROW MYSELF IN FRONT OF TRAFFIC!!

The husband: Wow, you really know how to shut down a conversation, don't you?

Me: DON'T JUDGE ME!  MY BLOG IS INFECTED!!  CAN WE HAVE OUR CHECK?  WHERE IS OUR CHECK!!!!!

This went on for quite some time.  We got home and the husband calmly backed up his files and then ran away from me.

I turned to the twitter.

Me: HELP MEEEEEE!!  I'M DYYYYINNNNG!

Twats: We are here to help!

And they were.  Not one, not two, not just three of them.  But many amazing twats walked me through this terrible tragedy.   I would no doubt be eating my hair and rocking myself in the corner right now if it weren't for them so I'd just like to talk a moment and acknowledge each one of them.

@chemgirljaime, @jenannhall, @mommy2cents, @blogginglily, @mytimeasmom, @supermomboots, @JessCJared, @troublesometots, @SingleishMom, @analogyqueen, @Thypolar, @onechunkymama, @nearnormalcy, @notbagels

I think that's everyone, but if I missed someone please feel free to yell at me.

As for the rest of you, follow these twats!  They are amazing and are there for you in times of tragedy.  And what can be more tragic than an infected blog?  Absolutely nothing.

******************************************************************
Although this blog is one of sarcasm and should not be taken seriously AT ALL, I would like to point out, especially since this is the season of thanks, that I am EXTREMELY BLESSED and there are very real tragedies in this world happening to people every day, and if this is the worst thing that ever happens to me, I will consider myself a very fortunate girl.

Oh, and if anyone is wondering, all I had to do was remove the link that had been flagged with malware from my blog and the problem was solved. 

38 comments:

  1. You. Are.So Friggin'. Funny. So gald I could be of completely ZERO help. Well, exept moral support.
    All is well in Bloggerville. Keep it up sister!
    XO, Karyn

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  2. All I did was point you at @mytimeasmom and then proceeded to panic right along side you! That better never happen to me. XO

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  3. I had a spate of these messages on blogs I visited a while back. I went back the next day and they were fine. Glad the crisis was averted :-)

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  4. I was enjoying reading your infected blog so much, that I forgot all concern it was infected. Now I feel sniffly, which I am pretty sure is a direct result.

    I am also craving a plate of bleu cheese.

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  5. Also, I find it hard to empathize with this post, as I rarely overreact to things.

    Unrelated: there is a light out in my bathroom. You don't think that is an omen of death, do you? It seems ominous to me.

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  6. My header disappeared for no reason one day and I felt the world was conspiring against me because my dad was at work and could not help me!!! Can't imagine how I would react if I was told that I had malware or something equally scary!! Glad it turned out all right in the end :)

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  7. Any blog post that has me in it, even negatively, becomes my favorite blog post. Therefore. . . this is my favorite blog post.

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  8. It was a virus after all. It's not like we're talking about crabs here. Because once you get crabs it's ALL over.

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  9. Webmaster tools.....it's like Valtrex for blogs.

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  10. That was a pretty intense day! I actually considered not even reading your tweets anymore because I was fearful that your malware/virus/plague thingamajigger would come through the computer screen and infect my eyeball, or something like that. ;^)

    Kudos on your visual. That was pure awesomeness. I don't know how much help I really was, but I'm sure glad you were able to divert a bloggy crisis! Phew!!

    Thanks for the shout out! :)

    Oh, and P.S. Yippy! You linked up with lovelinks!! Woohoo!!

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  11. I feel the need to weight in on this whole "is mayo a dip or a spread" debate. For the longest time I was totally on your side . . . then I went to Europe where they do in fact dip their fries in mayo and the reason for this is because the ketchup SUCKS!! Now on the rare occassion I have been known to enjoy dipping my fries in some yummy mayo. Not all that often them "cause that yummy shit is really rather hard on the heart!
    Jenn

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  12. I suddenly feel the need to be your twat.

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  13. Thanks for the shoutout! I can totally identify with you in this post. I'm always the one freaking out. When it all works out in the end, I wonder why I bothered, but that doesn't stop me from going nuts the next time.

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  14. I'm really glad your blog is back and not infected... I think it would have been a serious tragedy had your blog been destroyed. I definitely look forward to reading your blogs!!

    Oh... And tell your hubby that mayo IS a dip and I agree it's awesome on fries!

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  15. Just Jennifer is the hero of the day!
    Glad your blog is not infected.
    But in a way I'm so glad this happened to you because this was one FUNNY post!
    PS: LOve your graphics!

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  16. So you're saying I should make my blog wear a condom from now on if it's going to whore around?

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  17. Well shit, here I was thinking I was an incredible twat. Shows ya what I know. And I really dislike mayo. A lot.

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  18. I'm glad your blog is all better now. Thanks for the mention.

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  19. Well this is a fresh hoot on an ongoing problem. These alerts were everywhere a couple of months ago - you must have missed out then! I followed all the steps google told me to do and then removed the link. All good since. It doesn't actually mean you were ever affected which is some comfort.

    Love the visuals. You are indeed so funny!

    Don't forget to catch the guest posts on RFW. Hope you can rejoin the party on Dec 2!

    Denise

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  20. Hee, I think I would have reacted the same way - the end of the world! Those are some awesome twats. Glad all's well! :)

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  21. My virus is in remission. At least that is what I tell people. Good blog. Laughed out loud a few times.

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  22. @mytimeasmom saved my blog yesterday, too. I was an idiot and tried to do some code shiz myself.
    OMG DID YOU HAVE BACON IN YOUR SALAD? I love bacon in salads...

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  23. I would seriousy freak out and drive Mr. L. insane if this happened. For Reals.

    "I'LL NEVER OWN CUTE SHOES AGAIN!!!!

    Greeeeat line. x

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  24. Oh no! You did mention being a hypochondriac (or was that me? err...) so yep, could totally imagine that whole scene in the restaurant clearly :)

    Your hubby was a patient man (although he's still a 'man' -> how dared he stayed calm in the face of such catastrophe?!?). Mine would've been the one to throw me in front of traffic even without me suggesting it ;) No wonder we're going through divorce now, right? lol

    Ditto on bloggy friends! You are blessed indeed! I know I'd probably go insane by now if it weren't for the support of these wonderful women in the .blogosphere (including you, my friend :)

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  25. ou are so seriously funny. You know, if the whole "Sarcasm Goddess" label doesn't pan out, you can always go with Mistress of Hyperbole.

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  26. Um, that totally sounds like the sky is falling and the world is ending and life as you know it has ceased to exist. So I totally get it. Is what I'm saying...

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  27. Mayonnaise is gross, whether as a spread or dip.

    And glad your blog didn't break. Frigging malware.

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  28. Uh, right? Listen, yesterday my Google Friend Connect was down and I about flipped the EFF out. I hear ya, sister!

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  29. My heart was racing and panicking and overreacting that day too... I'm with you!!!

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  30. Nothing like a little overreaction to make your appreciate bacon. :-)

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  31. Laughed throughout this whole post. So many times have I been panicking over something like this only to have my husband say pretty much the same things yours did. Love twitter friends who help me when I don't know what I'm doing!!

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  32. I feel your pain. A few weeks ago some malware seized my comp and files from a link on Pinterest. Glad it all worked out for you.

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  33. I was scared to come by when I was getting virus warnings. But everyone knows I'm a chicken shit.

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  34. I think that a bleu cheese and bacon sandwich would probably be a really good idea. And probably cure just about anything that ails anyone, or anything, for that matter. Perhaps bleu cheese on your keyboard? Hmm. On second thought? Probably not. Glad you're (it) it's okay.

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  35. It's amazing how we all look at crisis different. Men... unless it seems to directly affect them, their sports, or their tv... don't seem to get worked up. Explains a lot doesn't it!

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  36. I've been using AVG protection for a number of years, and I'd recommend this solution to all of you.

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.