Monday, October 3, 2011

Tis the Season to Crap Your Pants...or the Bed

You guys know Nightmare on Elm Street right?  The horror movie where Freddy Krueger invades your dreams and tries to kill you. The scary part, aside from those crazy-ass fingernails, is that if you die in your dream, you die in real life.

Well, I had my very own version of Nightmare on Elm Street two nights ago, except I wasn't asleep.  I was awake and thought I was going to die.  I'm not a death expert or anything, but I'm pretty sure if you die when you're awake, you die in real life.  So naturally, I was effing terrified.

The star of this movie was not Freddy Krueger, it was The Husband.

I've told you how the husband often talks in his sleep, tries to warn you that "they" are on the ceiling, gets irritated when things aren't properly explained, molests bedroom furniture.  All normal sleep behavior of your average adult, which, really, is hardly worth mentioning.  I mean seriously, making out with a lamp?  Who doesn't do that?

But the other night, the husband took things to a whole new level.  Maybe he was just trying to get into the spirit of the upcoming ghosts and goblins holiday, but I wish he'd leave the scary  movie acting to the professionals.

As usual, the husband fell asleep hours before I did.  I finally turned off the t.v. around 2 a.m. after my brain could no longer handle the intellectual stimulation of The Jersey Shore.

As soon as I turned off the t.v. the husband started laughing.  Now you should know the husband's laugh is one of the greatest sounds ever.  Usually.  It's hard to describe, exactly, but it's one of those contagious laughs that makes you want to laugh even if you don't know what he's laughing at.  Simply put, his laugh is funny, and happy and makes birds sing and rainbows appear out of nowhere.  Usually.

But the other night?  It.  Was.  Evil.

Like a clown.  A really evil clown.  I have never heard anything so terrifying in my life.  Not even in the most scary movie I have ever seen, which quite honestly is not very scary because scary movies make me crap my pants.  And while I'm generally okay with pissing myself on the daily, I draw the line at crapping.  It's called standards, people.

I didn't even ask the husband what he was laughing at or try to wake him up.  I just froze in terror.  I assumed he had been possessed by an evil clown, probably Stephen King's It, and I did not want to attract his attention.

I was still as I could be, hardly breathing, my heart thundering in my ears.


I felt his weight shift.  I could not see him in the dark, but I knew he was leaning over the bed.  Reaching for something.


I heard the rustling of paper.  Maybe it was a candy wrapper.  Or one of the four thousand receipts on his nightstand.  Or perhaps it was notebook paper.  Really though, the type of paper was inconsequential because there was no doubt in my mind he was fashioning it into a shiv.

Or worse...

The husband and I keep so much crap on on bedside tables there's enough material there to make a machete, or even a machine gun, or one of those army tanks with the big long canon looking arm thingies.  He could have been making a whole arsenal of weapons...




I couldn't take it anymore.  If I was going to die I was going to face death head on.

Me: What are you doing?!

The husband: Playing with your fish

Me: My fish?

The husband: You gomphph fish.

Me: My go fish?

The husband: Your gold fish.

Me: What gold fish?

The husband (exasperated): Never mind.

Of course! Gold fish!

Golly did I feel silly.  The husband was just playing with our gold fish.  I mean, we don't have a gold fish, or any kind of fish for that matter, but of course he was playing with it. After all, fish are one of the most playful pets one can have.

Normally, I would have kept talking to the husband to see what other ridiculous things I could get him to say.

But I wasn't entirely convinced he wasn't just "playing with my gold fish" to entice a larger, more dangerous fish...

Like Jaws.

Can I come sleep at your house?

In case anyone is wondering, the husband would NEVER hurt me.  While I was slightly terrified at the time, it is NOT because I thought the husband was actually going to hurt me, not in his sleep, awake, accidentally or on purpose.  Maybe, kinda, sorta, sometimes, I tend to have the dramatics.  Everyone clear on this?  Good.


  1. hahahaha! Maybe it was like Austin Powers and he was going to strap "lasers" to the head of your goldfish (or shark, or whatever). I think next time you should ask more questions. (I mean for yourself, not so we can all laugh at his expense. I would never think that! Never!)

  2. Maybe you literally SHOULD crap the bed. Sometimes a little negative reinforcement works wonders. It would be a gentle way to say, "Sweetie, this is the natural consequence of you scaring me each night. Now please clean the sheets so we can get some sleep." My guess is he would stop with the night talking/walking. Or divorce you. Either way, problem solved! ;)

  3. hahaha... I seriously would have punched him if it was my hubby and told him to stop scaring the ever loving shit out of me.... and then he's be all mad cuz he didn't realize he was doing anything.. so then I'd cry and he'd feel guilty and I'd get a massage.

  4. Hahaha. Creeper city. My husband does weird shit like that in his sleep also, and I ALWAYS kick him in the leg or something to snap him out of it. Too creepy.

  5. I think you should start filming this stuff. You could make one of those "paranormal" like movies [which scare the shit outta me, by the way]

  6. Man, that's some serious parasomnia going on there! My husband did that to me once - I found him standing at the edge of the bed staring at me and telling me I did something bad - I can't recall what - I've repressed most of it.

  7. Now I'm curious about what sort of things one can play with a fish. Do they fetch? Play with dangling string? What?

  8. Maybe "gomphph fish" is a euphemism for something?

  9. Oh my goodness! How funny, I mean I really mean funny. He's playing with your gomphph fish. Maybe he can teach it to be a gaurd gomphph fish and protect you. :)

  10. Eeek. At first I was all "Paranormal Activity" freaking out reading this. But whew, it was just your imaginary dreamfish.

    No boogeyman there.

  11. Dammit for reading this right before I go to bed. The clown laugh comment instantly put the image of the clown from the Stephen King It movie. And now I will have nightmares. Dammit, dammit, dammit.

  12. Did I ever tell you that my husband scared the shit out of me one night talking about the "micronauts"? And the night he was talking about fire was pretty scary too.

  13. ... ahahaha you NEED to VIDEO this shit! ... ohmygoodess...

  14. Seriously, the clown from IT. Hi, I'm 36 and tonight when I turn off the light I will run across the room and jump into my bed.

    I am glad that you draw the line at shitting yourself. Peeing, is def another thing...especially post kids. Don't ask me how I know.

  15. Maniacal laughing is a warning sign when you don't know the source because it could very well be something that's about to happen to you. If he ever responds by asking you why you're so serious, definitely run.

  16. I'm just impressed he knew about the Gomphoh fish and that you even knew how to spell it. Very few know about the Achatina Fulica Gomphph fish. For those of you who aren't "in the know" they are a part fish/part snail subspecies *but mostly fish* that can survive in or out of water. Very rare and Very dangerous. They can grow up to 20 feet long. And they love the dark.

  17. My oldest son talks in his sleep and it always freaks me out!

  18. I am crying while reading this. Like shaking and crying beyond reconciliation. I can only hope we share another hotel room and I can witness this first hand. Xoxo

  19. LOL. This post was so hilarious. I'm going to tweet it.


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