You know those people in life who know stuff about everything? And they're constantly telling you about all that they know, and it's constant, as in ALL. THE. TIME. The knowing and the telling and more knowing about everything, constantly telling and knowing and more telling and telling and never shutting up about the knowing. And you're like there's no way that's true and even if it is I don't care and just shut up already and now you're just making shit up because I know for a fact that's a lie and OMG if you don't shut up I'm going to shove my dirty sock in your mouth except I don't wear socks so maybe I'll just shove my foot in your mouth except ew I don't want your spit all over me, and dude what is up with your tongue, seriously stop doing that, it's disgusting, are you part reptile? I wish you were all reptile so you couldn't talk and tell me all about all the things you know and seriously can't you see that I'm busy and wow, you are seriously still talking.
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!
Is it just me or I am nauseous from all your talking?
Oh, and remember the time you told them you're going to a wedding and they asked where it was and you said it's 2 hours north, east or west of, but DEFINITELY NOT south, of Atlanta. And then they asked what the groom does for a living and you said he has a marketing job in D.C. and then they replied, "oh, well then the wedding will be south of Atlanta."
And at first you were all, "did you not hear me say that I was absolutely positive the wedding WAS NOT south of Atlanta?" But then, thankfully, before you looked like a total idiot, you remembered that, according to the Rules of Wedding Planning, there is a direct correlation between the groom's occupation and the city in which the wedding is held, so of course the wedding is south of Atlanta.
Unfortunately, though, the bride and groom seemed to have forgotten this rule, and low and behold the wedding was actually north of Atlanta. A debacle ensued as you tried to convince the about-to-be-newlyweds that they are getting married in the wrong city. You even tried to get your know-it-all friend on the phone to convince them otherwise, but strangely they wanted no part of it.
Honestly, what were the bride and groom thinking? Don't they know what a wealth of information they are missing out on?
You try to thank the know-it-all for reminding you of such an important rule so you can pass it on to other about-to-be married friends so they won't make the same mistake as the aforementioned bride and groom, but the know-it-all has already moved on to telling you about even more things that they know!
Hmm, really? $100,000 WOW. No way! He said that? Really? Mmm... hmmm, the hole was that big, eh? Mmm, yeah, hold on, I'm looking for a sharp instrument....mmm, really, the Queen of England, no way...hmmm, butter knife could work... Turtles? You don't say. Gee golly that's amazing....hmmm...a pencil, yeah that's much better. Oh please keep talking and don't mind me while I shove these very sharp pencils in my ear. You may want to stand back though, there's probably going to be blood.
Before I enter a permanent world of silence, let me just say, I'm so glad we've had this talk. No really, I am. I don't know how I've lived my entire life without knowing such copious amounts of utter bullshit.
Thank you. No really, thank you, for so richly enriching my life.
Seriously. You. Are. The. Best.
But you already knew that, didn't you?
I apologize if you found this post difficult to follow. Just know that there are people who know stuff...about everything. And they will tell you about it...constantly.