Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Make It Stop!

You know those people in life who know stuff about everything?  And they're constantly telling you about all that they know, and it's constant, as in ALL.  THE.  TIME.  The knowing and the telling and more knowing about everything, constantly telling and knowing and more telling and telling and never shutting up about the knowing.  And you're like there's no way that's true and even if it is I don't care and just shut up already and now you're just making shit up because I know for a fact that's a lie and OMG if you don't shut up I'm going to shove my dirty sock in your mouth except I don't wear socks so maybe I'll just shove my foot in your mouth except ew I don't want your spit all over me, and dude what is up with your tongue, seriously stop doing that, it's disgusting, are you part reptile?  I wish you were all reptile so you couldn't talk and tell me all about all the things you know and seriously can't you see that I'm busy and wow, you are seriously still talking.



Is it just me or I am nauseous from all your talking?

Oh, and remember the time you told them you're going to a wedding and they asked where it was and you said it's 2 hours north, east or west of, but DEFINITELY NOT south, of Atlanta.  And then they asked what the groom does for a living and you said he has a marketing job in D.C. and then they replied, "oh, well then the wedding will be south of Atlanta."

And at first you were all, "did you not hear me say that I was absolutely positive the wedding WAS NOT south of Atlanta?"  But then, thankfully, before you looked like a total idiot, you remembered that, according to the Rules of Wedding Planning, there is a direct correlation between the groom's occupation and the city in which the wedding is held, so of course the wedding is south of Atlanta.

Unfortunately, though, the bride and groom seemed to have forgotten this rule, and low and behold the wedding was actually north of Atlanta.  A debacle ensued as you tried to convince the about-to-be-newlyweds that they are getting married in the wrong city.  You even tried to get your know-it-all friend on the phone to convince them otherwise, but strangely they wanted no part of it.

Honestly, what were the bride and groom thinking?  Don't they know what a wealth of information they are missing out on?

You try to thank the know-it-all for reminding you of such an important rule so you can pass it on to other about-to-be married friends so they won't make the same mistake as the aforementioned bride and groom, but the know-it-all has already moved on to telling you about even more things that they know!

Hmm, really?  $100,000 WOW.  No way!  He said that?  Really?  Mmm... hmmm, the hole was that big, eh? Mmm, yeah, hold on, I'm looking for a sharp instrument....mmm, really, the Queen of England, no way...hmmm, butter knife could work... Turtles?  You don't say.  Gee golly that's amazing....hmmm...a pencil, yeah that's much  better.  Oh please keep talking and don't mind me while I shove these very sharp pencils in my ear.  You may want to stand back though, there's probably going to be blood.

Before I enter a permanent world of silence, let me just say, I'm so glad we've had this talk.  No really, I am.  I don't know how I've lived my entire life without knowing such copious amounts of utter bullshit.

Thank you.  No really, thank you, for so richly enriching my life.

Seriously.  You.  Are.  The.  Best.

But you already knew that, didn't you?

I apologize if you found this post difficult to follow.  Just know that there are people who know stuff...about everything.  And they will tell you about it...constantly.


  1. You. Crack. Me. Up. In the best possible way! :>

  2. This was hilarious! I know many of these people. Please feel free to call me so I can fill you with my knowledge about the exact perfect way to handle this situation. And the exact perfect way to handle all other situations. You'll thank me later. You really will.

  3. This post was confusing, amusing and all in all the perfect example of why I love your writingg!

  4. Are these the same people that when you tell a story there's is ALWAYS better than yours? And you're sure they are not listening to a word you are saying bc they are only thinking about what they will say back?

  5. Wait....was that my MIL you were talking to? She can even tell you about getting the best ground beef..

  6. I know all about the things! Allow me to erudite you. Is that a word? Euridite? That's a word, right? I was looking for a really pompous one. That one is pompous, right?

    Wait... What was I doing here? Oh yeah, knowing everything. Not winning at this, I guess.


  7. You know, I really don't appreciate it when you talk about me behind my back.

    But then again, I KNEW you were.

    Love how Jenn with the double nn did a double gg on the word writingg! This is why I only use the 1 n.

  8. But... we're only trying to help!


  9. Ugh, all I can think of now is the horrific image of someone shoving sharpened pencils in their ears!

  10. In cases like that that's where having ADD is actually an advantage. Lucky for me I (unless it's something I'm actually interested in) tune out after about the second sentence anyway. Once they've manages to shut the eff up I've already gone through and made a grocery list in my head for tomorrow, decided where I want to go on vaca for next year... and the after that, and what I'm buying the kids for Christmas. Oh, and probably thought about a couple of things I eventually wanna blog about. (LOL my iPad had autocorrected "things" to "thugs". That would of been funny if I missed that and said "Oh, and probably thought about a couple of thugs I eventually wanna blog about." - ya... probably not thinking about blogging about thugs. That is of course unless one happened to be stalking me. Which is always a possibility.)

  11. It's like talking to a 5 year old. They really DO know everything and they tell you everything they know everyday and it's just super awesome.

    Or an 8 year old boy. they know everything too. And when the 8 year old and the 5 year old disagree about something it's a showdown.

    You'd love it.

    Maybe not........

  12. I. Love. Your. Writing.

    Yeah,I know people like this.
    When they talk, I'm thinkin'--- "Shut the fuck up. Shuuuut up. I can't take one more single minute of your hot air. I hate you. I despise you. You are an idiot."
    Yep, I think all those things...and just sit there smiling like a fool. X

  13. I have met some of these people. I think they are spread out all over the U.S. because if they congregate their never-ending spewage of words causes a quake or something. I hope you feel better. I do.

  14. I see you met my sister. Oh, wait, you mean there's other people like her? Shit.


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