Wednesday, October 26, 2011

If Only I Had Said What I Wanted...

Hey guess what?  I have a blog.  I know. It was a shock to me too.

I know you're all expecting something awesome, and witty and funny, but today, all I have is marriage advice.

I shouldn't say it like that.  "All I have" makes it sound like you're getting something sub-par, less than stellar, lame.  But if you've read the marriage advice I've given in the past, you know it is anything but lame.  It is stupendous.  And relationship saving.  You're welcome.

We all know it takes a lot of things to make a marriage work,  but what is the most important component to a successful marriage?  That's right.  Wine.  Communication.

We know about the importance of using "I" versus "you" statements, and being a good listener, and finding ways to compromise, and counting to ten before you lose your shit over the dirty socks that were left in the middle of the living room floor.  Again.

We work really really hard to do all of these things, but sometimes, communication still breaks down.

And that's okay.  As long as you recognize it and try to learn from it.

Take for example, a recent drive-thru experience the husband and I had.   Now, neither one of us is a big fan of fast food.  But sometimes, on road trips, it is necessary.  Especially if you're starting out at 8:00 a.m. and you were up till to 2:00 a.m. talking with your super fabulous friend J and you don't seriously expect me to get up right now I just went to sleep omg someone give me coffee before I stab you in the face.

Also?  We love us some McDonald's breakfast.

Okay, so technically I'm the only who wants to roll around in a pile of Egg McMuffins while simultaneously eating their cheesy, eggy, Canadian bacony goodness.

But I've digressed.

We were in the drive-thru and the husband was placing the order.

Guy: You can place your order whenever you're ready.

Me: I want a number one with a coffee and I also want a bottled water.

The husband: I'll have a number one with a water instead of a coffee.

Me: No, I want the coffee.  And the water.

The husband: Okay, we'll have a number one with the coffee and a bottled water.

Guy: You want two bottles of water?

The husband: No, one.

This is going well.

Guy: Okay.  How many cream and sugar?

Me: A lot!

The husband: A lot.

Me: Four creams four sugars, four creams four sugars, four creams four sugars!

The husband: *silence*

Guy: Okay, that'll be $5.

Me: Why didn't you say four creams four sugars?

The husband (throwing his hands up): Cuz I don't know what you want!

Now at first I was thinking  are you serious?  You don't know what I want?

But then I realized I had committed the number one sin of being a poor communicator: Expecting the other person to be a mind reader.

How often have you gotten upset over your spouse/fiance/significant other not doing exactly what you asked?  I'm guessing a time or twelve.  But did you ever stop and ask yourself, am I clearly expressing my wants/needs?

It's difficult to take a good hard look in the mirror and realize it's you who may be to blame.

But I didn't need a mirror to realize I was at fault this time.

Let's take another look at the conversation.  The husband asked me how many creams and sugars I wanted, and I responded "a lot."  Now "a lot" can mean different things to different people.  To some "a lot" may be two, to others it may be twelve. To me, it is four.

But how was the husband supposed to know that unless I told him?  He may be many things, but he is not a mind reader.  What I should have said is, "I want four creams four sugars."


Okay, I said it.  But maybe he didn't hear me.  There was a lot of other noise that could have distracted him, like wind, and...stuff.

I shouldn't have just assumed he heard.  I should have said it again: four creams four sugars, four creams four sugars.


Okay, okay.  So I said it twice.  Ladies, since when has your man ever heard you the first two times you said something? 


Everyone knows third times a charm.

If only I had said, "Four creams four sugars, four creams four sugars, four creams four sugars!"


Yeah, I give up.

Whatever. Communication is overrated.  Someone pass the wine.


  1. Oh Man, I only WISH the communication problems in my marriage were this simple/obvious. Oh well. I got a good laugh! I found your blog from Morning Grouch. I'm enjoying my visit here a lot! I'm signing up!

  2. I have conversations like this all the time, followed by him saying 'well, why didn't you say so?'

  3. sometimes no matter how many times you say things... it doesn't seem to matter... a guy will NOT hear you.

    like picking up their dirty socks, underwear, dishes, towel, (insert annoying thing left on floor here)..

    or even about other things.. I swear I've told my bf a hundred times to play more with his ferret while I'm doing chores so I don't step on her while I'm doing the dishes.... and a minute later... I stepped on the ferret....

    am I speaking gibberish here? do you people understand me? is he deaf? am I mute?
    After awhile you start to think you're seriously losing your shit... you swear you said it out loud while looking him in the eye and was sure he comprehended what you were saying and the meaning behind your words...

    then you step on the ferret again.


  4. lol Sorry on this one he failed. Four creams four sugars is pretty self explanatory. McDonalds is great for road trips and I love an egg mcmuffin.

  5. I would like to submit for review the idea that communication AND wine are necessary in a marriage.

    I was a little confused cuz I'm not sure if only YOU ordered a #1 or if both of you ordered a #1.

    Honestly, maybe it's the McDonald's guy who should be annoyed with both YOU!

  6. buah ha ha ha ha!
    did you really handle it that 'coolly'? (yes, that's a real word)
    or was there a bitch slap in there you conveniently left out?
    what a riot!
    I wanna road trip with you guys!

  7. I am totally confused by your order. Did you order two #1s or just one? Did you husband want the same order as you but minus the coffee? Did he try to change your order to omit the coffee? OMG, my head hurts now.

  8. This is why I hate drive-thrus. You have no communication problem in your marriage. The problem is guys become deaf and mute when trying to order for more than just themselves at a drive-thru window. Happens to me every time.

  9. Thanks for the laugh!

    I think from now on there should be some sort of mind-reading clause in the wedding vows.

    I, [insert bride's name here], do promise not to flip out on you if you are not able to read my mind every waking moment of every day, unless I have previously explained to you in terms a four year old could understand the thing that you should now be reading my mind about. Amen.

  10. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, could you repeat that please?
    Sure, would you like me to do that before or after I stab you since I've been talking and you've been nodding and agreeing for about 30 minutes now.

    Send wine. Lots and lots of wine.

  11. I like my coffee black too.

    Wait, what?

  12. Wine helps with communication. But wait, if you did that on your road trip you would be drinking and driving. Not good. So ummm, maybe you could have had the wine and then you would wouldn't have cared about the cream and sugars? Oh but coffee after wine is icky...

    I don't know, what was I saying?

  13. ---Wine always help with the Communication!!

    Love the post. :)

  14. Wine is the great equalizer, until you down just one more glass than normal...but hey, it's so much fun! And then you start mimicking your husband as he's in the drive-thru. Take it from me...things go south relatively quickly. Don't try this at home. Great post! Even in your serious moments, you bring a boxed wine full of fun.

  15. I just go with the fact that Mr. Kiss NEVER listens and accept it. Works for us.

  16. hahahaha! This was so good and funny I read it twice :)

  17. So I started following you a couple weeks ago (I think? It all runs together after awhile), but I haven't commented, because up until now I have been painstakingly working my way through every single post.

    I think I deserve a cookie (not because you posts suck, but because there are a lot of them).

    Oh, and I think we have a lot in common. That should probably offend you.

    Except for bacon. I don't like bacon. I hope that means you won't hate me, but I guess it really doesn't matter if you do, because it's the internet.

    Oh, and I think you're awesome, but you already knew that. That you're awesome, not that I think you're awesome.

  18. This is the stupid stuff I always remember. I won't remember important things that I actually need to know. But I'll remember that you need four creams and four sugars. I think my brain is a junk drawer for bits and pieces of useless information.

  19. FINALLY someone writes a post about McDonalds breakfast and how awesome it is!!

  20. I learned...I can sugar packets in my purse. ;-)


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