Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Going to the Chapel...

I, Sarcasm Goddess, take you iPhone to drop down stairs

and lose in my purse,

to use as my alarm clock (even though you decide not to work on really important meeting days)

and stay connected to the twatter,

to sling birds that are oh so angry

and direct me to the nearest purveyor of bacon,

to get me lost in strange cities (really? you think I should drive down this creepy dirt road to nowhere, and by "nowhere" I mean "barn filled with kidnappers, cannibals and axe murderers?")

and not remind me on road trips that Chick Fil A is closed on Sundays (causing me to drive 40 miles out of the way in order to NOT get one of their delicious sandwiches - isn't there an app for that? honestly),

to obsessively check my email for blog comments (seriously, no new comments?  it's been 30 seconds since I last checked. you must be malfunctioning again),

to keep me entertained while I wait in the car for the husband to go into Panera to buy me a bagel cuz I'm wearing shorts and I haven't shaved my legs in days and I'm too hairy to be in polite company,


 if you autocorrect "hell" to "he'll"

and "shit" to "shut" or "shot"

and "twat" to "tears" or "teat" or "test"


I will shove your face down a toilet or throw your ass in the wash.

This is my solemn vow.


  1. I am sitting here speechless. I am not alone in my relationship with my phone. Although my phone doesn't have birds to fling around...Thank you for sharing this, I thought I might have to seek out a cell phone anonymous group, but hell I should be fine if you can write vows to yours!! :)

  2. ahahaha... I share the phone with a hubbly.. this cracked us up. :D

  3. I am beginning to think that I might be the only blogger in the world that doesn't own a phone that does all this stuff. My cell phone is strickly for emergencies. I don't have the net on it and I am not certain that I want that.

  4. I have a love and hate relationship with my iPhone (and BB). Yes, I'm that freak who has to have both. Back to my point. Oh yes, there were times when I was tempted to drive back and forth over it with my car, but it always turned on its best behavior just as I was about to commit an iPhone murder.

  5. Ohhh, the "hell" to "he'll" makes me CRAZY. Isn't it supposed to learn by repetition?! I've never typed the word "he'll", I don't think. But "hell"? Fuck yes. Stupid futuristic computer phone.

  6. The timing of your post is impeccable! I just dropped my %$& iphone and it shattered! Ughhh!

  7. sounds like you and your beloved phone have a beautiful relationship. I have tears in my eyes.

    Please shave your legs.

  8. This was so touching, SG!

    It's very upsetting when technology doesn't do its technological thingies correctly!

  9. I'm glad I don't have an iPhone because I would be checking my email for blog comments All. The. Time. also!

    I didn't shave my legs or my bikini area and wore a bathing suit yesterday. Thank goodness my in-laws can't get rid of me...I mean, love me for who I am.

  10. *sniff*



  11. Usually vows = zzzzzzzz, but these? Cracking the fack up right now.

  12. LMAO! There are benefits to being in an area where cell tower coverage for AT & T sucks rocks, so therefore one is not even tempted to fondle an iPhone in a store.

    Oh dinosaur phone, I may need a bunch of other gadgets - alarm clock, camera, 'puter for internet, Nav (which is built into my car anyway) - but you and I get along like cat puke and paper towels. We make it work, because we need each other.

    Except on days I forget to charge you.

  13. My husband wanted to borrow my iPhone to mow the lawn so he could use Pandora... I had a mini panic attack and then watched him intently while he mowed. It was tough.

  14. Hilarious.

    Confession: I don't have an iPhone. But I do have a Mac. Is that cool? ;)

  15. whenever I use my bf's iPhone and it autocorrects my text, I want to throw it in the kitchen garbarator...
    but then I remember that bf will be upset if I do this... and so I forgive it... but I still think autocorrect is the spawn of satan.

  16. I hope you got pictures during this ceremony.

  17. OMG I love this! Autocorrecting 'hell' to 'he'll' and 'shit' to anything else drives me insane!

    Also? I've been the person who drives to chic-fil-a on a Sunday and then sits in the drive thru for over 10 minutes waiting for my order to be taken. Yes, I'm a dumbass.

  18. I might need a support group for the jealousy I have toward your union.

  19. Mine auto-corrects "him" to "Jim." TOTALLY FREAKING ANNOYING.

    Although my dad's name is Jim. And he bought me the phone.


  20. The whole Hell to He'll thing makes me all stabby! Flinging birds makes me less happy! Listening to Patton Oswalt on Pandora makes me happy. These phones really got us where they want us don't they?

  21. So I'm not the only one who gets pissed when hell turns to he'll. I always find myself yelling at the phone "Some people say hell you know!" I have often made up words so that it won't autocorrect.

  22. You might be eligible to receive a Apple iPhone 7.


I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.