Monday, October 31, 2011

Delirium

Before we get to today's post I want to say a YUGE giant welcome and thank you to all my new followers!!!  It means so much to me that you read my crazy insanity and one day I'll get my act together and get a fancy schmancy comment system thingy and comment and interact with all you awesome twats.

Secondly, I know I haven't been around here much and I haven't been visiting your blogs and I really appreciate that you all are still stopping by when I do post and leave comments.  Comments make me pee, but in that awesome, feel the warmth spread kind of way, not in that did-you-just-pee-your-pants-in-public-again-what-is-wrong-with-you kind of way.

Thirdly, my story The Playground Knight, which I linked up with Romantic Friday Writers, was selected as the Featured Writer which means so so much to me!  All the stories and writer's are so incredible and I'm honored to be selected!

And now, it's time for the post.  You should be warned that I wrote this a few days ago at the height of delirium.  I'd had about two hours sleep coming off of about seven hours sleep total over the last four days.  I passed out shortly after, re-read it and was all the hell?  I can't post this.  But guess what today is?  Halloweeeeeeen!  And if there's one day a year it's okay to be a complete psycho, it's Halloween, so here you go.




So, I have news.

Raise your hand if you think I’m pregnant!

I’m not.  At least I don’t think so.  I guess you never know when the stork’s going to come and drop a baby in your head and then your butt will fall off and you’ll have to dig around and find your baby.

I’ll give you one billion dollars if you can name that movie.  Or maybe just a hug.  Either way your life will be changed forever.

So this news I have?  I meant to tell you guys like two weeks ago, but then I freaked out and didn’t share it cuz I had given myself a deadline, or a target date, or something, for which to share this epic news. Me and deadlines?  Not so much.  Except for this current deadline, which is actually working out quite well.  Of course now that I said that, I’ve totally screwed myself.  Nice going, me.

Confused?  Don’t worry, you’re just delirious.  It’s no wonder, existing on wings and Oreos and coffee and two hours sleep.

Oh wait, that’s me.

Did this post have a point?  Seriously, you guys, you should think things through before you start writing.  Maybe make an outline or something.  How irresponsible of you to just sit down at your computer and start typing.  Honestly.  People come here for relationship advice, to seek the answers to life’s greatest mysteries, to get sound medical advice (seriously stop scratching it and go to a doctor).  Blogging saves lives.  You can’t just go into it all, hey-I’ll-just-write-the-first-thing-that-pops-into-my-head.

Wait…

OMG you guys.  Is it just me or is this post out of control?

It’s not my fault (of course not, I try to never take responsibilities for my irresponsibleness).  Did I mention I am running on no sleep?  And chicken wings.  And Oreos.  Lots of Oreos.  And coffee.

P.S. my body hates me.

And while that is colossal news, it is not THE NEWS that I wanted to share with you.

Are you ready?

Hello?

Is anyone still here?

Stop trying to hide; I will always find you.

Somewhere, the husband is calling a mental hospital to see how quickly he can have me committed. 

Phst.  He thinks I’m crazy?  He’s the one who chose to marry this.

Shhh.  Do you hear that?  That’s the sound of people unfollowing me.

*Tears*

Okay, are you guys finally ready to hear my news?

Seriously, it's like you forgot to take your ADD meds today.

Here goes…

I quit my job.

To be a full-time writer.

Cuz clearly I have mad skillz and important things to say.

Clearly.

Did I mention I’m an unpaid full-time writer?  That’s right.  I was all, steady paycheck?  Psht.  Who needs it?  Homelessness is fun!

Seriously though, the husband has a job.  And I’m…creative.  I know you all enjoy reading this blog for free, but I know you’d love it even more if you were paying to read it. 

Okay, probably not.

Which is why I’ve hacked into all your back accounts and set up a direct deposit of fifty dollars a month from your account to mine.

Okay, fine.  I didn't do that.  It’s what I would have done, but apparently the government frowns upon that.  I know, right?  This is America, national government.  Stay out of our lives.  MY BODY MY CHOICE!

Or something.

Everyone knows I’m totally kidding about the hacking thing, right?  Got that CIA, or FBI, or AARP or whoever it is in charge of arresting people for that stuff?  It was a joke.  And a rather funny one, might I add.

Okay, fine.  It wasn’t funny and I shouldn’t have said it.  But I’m not sorry I did.  It’s called freedom of speech and you can’t take that away.  I’m pretty sure Toby Keith said that.  Or maybe not.  Either way, he likes shoving boots up people’s asses.

So yeah.  I’m a full-time writer now.

The written word’s about to get a whole lot sweeter more poetic more psychotic.

This post is one giant pile of verbal, er, written, diarrhea.  I do not have any opinions on the government or the current administration on anything resembling any sort of political thought whatsoever.  I did not attempt to hack into your or anyone else’s bank account and I never will.  You should pretty much disregard everything in this post.  Except for the part about me being a full-time writer.  That’s totally true.


So, are you sufficiently terrified?  Me.  Too.

Happy Halloween!

18 comments:

  1. I understood this post. What does that say about ME???

    Congrats on your new career as a writer. That is extremely awesome, and you are very brave.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was the biggest cluster of a post I've ever read! hahaha
    Congrats on quitting your job! It was shitty, wasn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Congrats on quitting your job and going after your dream!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am totally jealous. First that you quit your job to write full time, because I'm too much of a wuss to do that (and my family kind of likes to eat). Second, because I've always wanted to write a total stream of consciousness post but I'm too much of a wuss to do that too.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kudos to you for giving your dreams wings and permission to soar! :>

    ReplyDelete
  6. LOL; well if you're happy I'm happy :) I didn't mind the trip into instability at all; I'm pretty much there myself.

    ....dhole

    ReplyDelete
  7. Congratulations on being chosen as the featured writer! Awesome! (And you already know how I feel about you quitting your job.)If you figure out that whole hacking thing...maybe we could be partners?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow, congratulations on taking real action to pursue your dream! But I really do hope that you'll keep on writing on this blog because it's free, and I'm totally into free things, you know? lol

    Bravo!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yay! Good for you for going for it, I wish you tons of success :-)

    ReplyDelete
  10. You quite your job a Loooooog time ago! Jeez Louise, I thought I was a procrastinator.

    Love this crazy post! Is this the one that was dedicated to me? Cuz if it was...um...how am I supposed to know?

    I hope you know how to write a book dedication better than a blog dedication.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Conrats! Now you can do what you want and not be told what to do...I totally followed the whole post without missing a beat probably because I share your coffee/2 hours sleep delirium minus the oreos and wings but adding the countless candy I had to test last night that I'm still testing today of course...

    ReplyDelete
  12. It kind of makes me nervous that I could read this post without getting confused and it all make perfect sense... Maybe we both have ADD. Woo UNITE!

    &Congrats on quitting your job! Work sucks anyway. I'd rather rob a bank. Or Paris Hilton's trust fund. Either way, jobs suck.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I swear.
    It's truly creepy. Within days of each other, we both crawl back into the light and start posting. How does that work? (BTW, did you know, you aren't subscribed to #1's actual blog? I just noticed that...Hmmm... Main blog, you're avoiding. I think maybe you are jealous. Just sayin...) Oh, AND throwing one out from the draft folder :) Nice touch!!! Love! I always love to let people have peeks in to the chaos in my head, it keeps them away. (It's like we're... oh wait. We already established that.
    Glad to see ya out here. Congrats on taking the step toward your dreams... LOVE that for you. Trying to be more...er...involved, so if you don't see me for a few days - jab me in the twat. I mean, on the twit. Whatever. Luh yew. Mean it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Congrats!!! You really are a very talented writer.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I feel so special, knowing this bit of news before you posted! YAHOO!! I'm really going places, because you know...it's all about me!! HA!

    Seriously, Congrats!! I can't wait to see how this unfolds!

    ReplyDelete
  16. congrats.. I love your writing so if this means you're going to be writing more, I'm all for it!

    ReplyDelete
  17. OK. Dammit. I'm not reading your blog any more today. I'm going to look up at the time and realize I spent all afternoon reading your wonderful prose. I love this post. I love your writing style. You're cute, but not cutesy. Me no likey cutesy.

    CONGRATS on quitting your job in an economy like this. I did the same thing and now I is a writer. But hold up. I was a writer before, this time I'm not doing it under restrictive journalistic constraints. :)

    Enjoy your freedom, unleash your prose on the world.

    ReplyDelete

I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.