Thursday, September 22, 2011

Turns Out? I *Am* Dying

Remember when I wrote that post about how I think I'm dying all the time when actually I probably just have a hangnail or, according to WebMD, am in the throes of a panic attack?

Well it turns out I am actually dying. 

I know. 

This news is particularly distressing coming on the heels of mah birfday, which, by the way, was A-Mazing.  I didn't get yelled at at work like I did last year.  I got lots of sweet messages and phone calls from people who love me in real life, had an amazing time with the husband and some of my best friends evah, and...there was you guys!!

You all - my bloggy friends and twats - seriously did not disappoint in the present department.  I received comments, and poems and bacon and legwarmers oh my!  Honestly, there is nothing else a girl could ask for.

Oh wait.   Yes there is.  There is something else a girl could want on her birfday.  Not one, not two, but three giant piles of dog vomit on the living room floor.

Fortunately for this birfday girl, her puppies know the deepest desires of her heart so when she returned home from work, that's exactly what she found.

Needless to say I. Was. So. EXCITED!!!  Cleaning up dog vomit?  Right up there with winning the lottery.  But just as I was about to get on my hands and knees with the cleaning supplies, the husband came flying into the room, pushed me out of the way and declared, "no! I want to do it!"  I thought it was a little selfish since it was my birfday, but I could tell he would be absolutely devastated if he did not get to clean up the mucus-ey yellow piles, so I said (rather dejectedly), "okay, if it means that much to you, you can do it."

Seriously, I am THE BEST wife.

All of that has nothing to do with why I'm dying.  I'm dying because I have pain in my left side.  At first I thought it was just a pulled muscle because of all that stupid exercising I've been doing.  Seriously, all my cells and muscles and whatever else it is that makes up a body must be thinking Armageddon has come.  She wants us to do what?  But we've NEVER moved that way before.

I can only imagine the chaos inside me as they all ran around gathering supplies and battening down the hatches, waiting for the end to come.  It would make total sense that in the midst of that mess, a muscle would be pulled.

But then the pain felt...different, and kinda sharp and pangy, but not really, but kinda.  So clearly?  Dying.

I didn't even bother with WebMD on this one.  They'd just tell me it was a panic attack anyway.  I went straight to the people who know about medicine and science-y stuff to confirm my diagnosis.  And by "went to them" I mean I didn't talk to anyone, I just assumed.

Because hello!  There's a pain in my side.  If that isn't a precursor of death, I don't know what is.

Also?  If you've gone nearly three weeks eating nothing but leafy greens and fruit and occasionally chicken and fish and then one night, a night that everyone will tell you is a special occasion, decide to eat a giant five gallon tub of creamy cheesy potato leak and BACON soup, followed by a sausage rolled in fried dough, followed by a ginormous piece of greasy pizza,  your body will f*ckin hate you.

And?  If you try to get back on track the next day by eating bland chicken and fruit, your insides will ninja kick you in the stomach and you will vomit in a way that will put your dog to shame.

So now instead of just your normal run-of-the-mill dying, I'm dying harder.

Sigh.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't such an overachiever.

18 comments:

  1. Bragger.

    You're all, "MY dying is better than YOUR dying."

    Geesh. There's NO winning with you.

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  2. Dying to fart maybe. Girl, go take some Bean-o!

    On my birthday last month I got to paint the railing of my 2 year olds nursery school. If you want fun....

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  3. Are you sure it wasn't your vomit in the middle of the living room floor and you're just blaming it on the dog like my husband does when he farts?? LOL - If it makes you feel any better, I sliced a chunk out of the tip of my middle finger yesterday with a Gillette Venus razor (and by chunk, I mean theirs a gaping hole...you can almost see bone!)it bled so long I almost needed a blood transfusion. I have it neatly bandaged now but typing is now a bitch!

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  4. Please don't die. I like you. In my life. Forever and ever amen.

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  5. Oops...There's a gaping hole, not Theirs! Looks like yours truly needs to head back to the 4th grade! :^P lol

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  6. Well, if it's just vomiting, that's not so bad. It's when both ends are running full bore AND you have pain and then you pass out on the bathroom floor that you really have a problem.

    P.S. Your dogs obviously did leave it for you deliberately or they would have just eaten it themselves.

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  7. Happy your body's only out for revenge and you're not really dying...

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  8. Are you sure you just don't have to poop?

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  9. I am with MamaMash! If you were one of my kids I would totally be asking you if you needed to poop . . . or at the very least toot. Go on now, give it a shot.
    Jenn

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  10. this is exactly why I don't eat healthy all the time and exercise... cuz i don't want my body to go into shock.... I think it's perfectly reasonable.

    you should drink... alcohol kills anything bad in your system.. it's like magic.

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  11. I think it is very kind of your husband to clean up the vomit so that your last act on this earth is not vomit cleaning. Really...just so thoughtful.

    BTW - I'm with Mommmy2cents, I think it was your vomit that you blamed on the dog. Well I hope it was worth it because throwing the dogs under the bus and lying to your husband aren't going to help your case any when you try to plead your case to get into heaven.

    So good luck with that ;)

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  12. Oh my. I feel somewhat responsible for I suggested you ask the Pub people to put bacon in your soup.

    By the way, no dying allowed!

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  13. I hate it when you die. But not nearly as much as I hate it when you die harder. Why do you have to keep dying? Why? WHY??

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  14. ---Obviously, you live your life fully and abundantly. Yes, as if you are dying. I'd say that's pretty cool ;))

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  15. Oh my goodness. I am feeling the exact same way right now. We've been eating healthy for some time now and last night we had Papa Johns which was AMAZING and tonight we had Culvers. I am wishing that I would die right now. Uhhh...

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  16. Die harder... wasn't that a movie? :)

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  17. Just sprinkle a little bit of bacon in your salad and it will be okay.

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  18. So hoping the birfday girl didn't die or anything...that would be mighty sad and all. If you didn't die, but are still rollin' in the side pain, I'd say take Jessica's suggestion and throw some bacon on it! :>

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