Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A Really Lame Post That You Should Still Read Because It Will Make You Awesome

So apparently, not stuffing your face with fried chicken, ranch and bacon every day and working up a sweat makes you lose weight.

Huh.  Who knew?

No seriously, who knew?  Someone should really market that.  I bet you could make a lot of money.  Especially if you put into some sort of program or book.  You could tell people what to eat and just how many lunges they need to do before their legs fall off.  People would totally eat that shit up.  Metaphorically, of course, because you know dieting and all.

I really don't want this to be a weight loss blog, but I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY!  I mean, I know my life appears interesting and fabulous and all.  But honestly?  Not all that interesting.

In fact, it's pretty lame.


The husband has lost seven pounds to my six.  This fact totally does not make me want to tie him to a chair and shove fistfuls of lard into his face.  Because it's not a competition.


It totally is.  The husband and I compete all the time.  He often doesn't even know we're competing until I declare, "haha! I won!"  And he's all "won what?"  And I'm like, "duh."  And then he sort of just gives me this look that may or may not say you are a mental person, but I never care because I'm basking in the euphoria of my recent win.

Are you guys loving how totally lame this post is?  Yeah, me neither.

But I bet you're totally loving how awesome it is making you.  You're welcome.

You know what's great about writing a really lame post like this on this particular day?

This particular day just happens to be mah birfday.  So, even if you think this is the most craptastic thing you have ever read, you still have to say nice things to me.


I win!

I haven't really been looking forward to this birthday, but then last night I got really excited because this last year of my life?  Has sucked balls.  No you dirty perves, not those balls.  Just balls in general.

So I'm totally ready to kiss the last year of my life goodbye.  Sayonara bitch! Au revoir!  Arrivederci!  Good riddance!

I would tell you how old I am, but my paranoia prevents me from doing so.  What exactly am I paranoid about?  Well, if you know my age then you know the year I was born, which means you have the vital information you need to assume my identity.  And who wouldn't want to do that?  Because contrary to what I said at the beginning of this post, my life?  Pretty freaking awesome.

I think I've wasted enough of your time.  Thanks for coming to mah birfday party!

I bet you didn't even know you were at a party, did you?  I mean, I'm sure you had some idea because this post positively screamed good party happy happy fun time.  But it did lack certain beverages of the alcohol variety.  So I could see how you weren't exactly sure.

Thanks in advance for all the awesome presents!


  1. Wow, happy birfday. You know, you get to a certain age in life where birthdays are just really not that meaningful. People say happy birthday. To your face or on facebook or what have you but at the end of the day......

    I don't know where I'm going with this.

    So happy birthday. And your gift is the mail.

  2. Happy Yourestillalive Day!

    I got here....reading this drivel and commenting.

    You're welcome!

  3. Sometimes the lamest posts make people like me the most happy. Why you ask? Well because it means that there are others out there whose lives are just as dull as mine is! :)

    Happy Birfday my dear crazy lady who fears identity theft!

  4. Um, isn't EVERYTHING a competition???

    Happy birthday to you... bacon is in the mail.

  5. Happy Birthday!!!

    Even when you're writing posts you think are lame... They're still awesome, btw!

    Oh... And congrats on losing weight!

  6. Oh bacon is the best food in the worrllllDDD!
    And it needs to be made to bake into a cake
    For the best sarcastic girl in the wooorrrlllDD!

    She writes so well
    Who cares if her path leads her to hell
    I love her
    My lawn I must go mow
    Just remember who loves you more than labias and legwarmers, baby.

  7. I totally got you a gift! It's in the form of post pimping. You're welcome. :-D

    Love you and miss you around Twitter somethin' awful!

  8. Happy Birthday to you...Happy birthday to you...Happy Birthday and you're 6 pounds lighter...Happy Birthday to you!

    I wrote a lame comment but you still have to be nice to me because it's about your birthday! Ha! I win!

  9. Birthdays are totally awesome. because they mean you are NOT dead.

    Being dead is NOT awesome. Unless you are a really good-looking zombie.

    Not sure where I am going with this lame comment. Let me just throw in some virtual bacon & champagne, and press Publish already.

  10. Happy Birthday! I brought you a comment. Hope you like it, cause it's nonreturnable.

  11. Happy birthday. And you totally win at the weight loss thing because men are supposed to lose more weight than women. Or something.

  12. Happy birthday! Eat lots of cake. I sat here and read about all your weight loss while eating animal crackers and drinking coffee. And I didn't run this morning because by the time I could drag my ass out of bed, the kids were waking up and we had to get ready for preschool. So I sit here still a fatty!

  13. Congrats on the six pounds and the birthday...I bet I'm older but we won't tell anyone because then they could steal our identity...I have my ways of finding out, I can see you behind that mask. I enjoyed the party and hope for bacon cake, or sausage in the bedroom, or thong onsies and legwarmers which I hope you wore for your special day!




    I'm tired now

  15. I always feel a little bit more awesome after reading your posts. I think you might be able to charge for this kind of effect. But you do it like a public service. Because that's how awesome you are!

    Happy Birthday! I hope it's... awesome. Extra awesome! With bacon and unicorns on top! But the bacon is for eating and the unicorns are not. The unicorns are for loving. Please don't eat the unicorns. Even if it is your birthday. Because that would NOT be awesome.

  16. Happy Birthday!! My gift is this comment and no snarkiness (I totally wrote a snarky comment and erased it because I'm sorta nice like that).

  17. Happy birthday! And congrats on losing 6 pounds. Wow, I feel so much more awesome after reading that post than I did before reading it. Amazing!

  18. Happy Birthday!!!!

    There. I'm nice today so I'm not gonna say anything else. lol.

  19. Have a happy birthday! I'm glad thing are going better for you!

  20. Happy birthday! And congrats on the weight loss!

  21. This definitely was the most awesome lame post ever. Happy birthday!

  22. Happy Birthday! Men ALWAYS lose weight faster ALWAYS. It's just something about their metabolisms. But they women get multiple orgasms--so we still win.

  23. Im so happy this was a suprise invitation to your party, we all get a suprise! Happy birfday!!!

  24. I definitely think you could tip the scales ( literally) in your favor by adding bacon to your husband slice of birfday cake. Just sayin'...

    Happy HAPPY ambiguous year Birthday! And may the next year be lighter in EVERY respect!

  25. You won. We didn't even know we were at a birthday party. And losing 7 pounds should always be celebrated with 2 pounds of bacon.

    It speeds up your metabolism to cheat once in awhile. And 5 is a much luckier number than 7. And then when your husband comes back with "I won!" you can just be all "I can't believe you would compete with me on something as serious as my HEALTH."

  26. Belated Happy Birthday you trend setter. Today's NY Times Art section has a headline saying "This Year's Hot TV Trend Is Anatomically Correct" The show called "Suburgatory" is one of the new television shows to use the word vagina. Shocking!


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