Thursday, September 1, 2011

It's Kind of Like a New York State of Mind, but With More Vagina

My vagina.  It's like Snow White.  As in, all the woodland creatures come running to it.  Not as in seven dwarves follow it around and sing to it.  Obviously.

Remember a few days ago when I wrote an incredibly lame post* about how'd I'd lost my funny?  Yeah, I'm trying to forget it too.

Well I'm not sure if I've gotten my funny back, but I can't keep writing lame ass posts like that one, thus THE VAGINA. (you should be saying THE VAGINA in your head in a loud sing-songy voice kinda the way Oprah used to do to announce her guests on her show.  or, if you're actually reading this post out loud, like to your kids or something, you can actually say it that way.  however, if you are reading this to your kids, I kinda question your parenting skills.  although I can see why you would be reading this to your kids since I mentioned Snow White, a favorite childhood fairy tale.  but I also mentioned my vagina, so you know, maybe leave the kids outta this one.)

I have it on good authority that some of you are uncomfortable with the amount of vagina talk on this blog.  In fact, I believe the quote was, "there's only so much vagina exploding I can take."

Time.  Out.  Vagina Exploding?


Who's vagina is exploding?  And better yet, why? I can understand why there's only so much of that you can handle.  That sounds terrible.

To my knowledge, vaginas don't explode.  Uteri explode.  Heads explode.  But vaginas?  No.  Just no.

Actually, I'm sure those of you who have birthed a human could probably share some horribly awesome stories of vagina explosions, but maybe keep those stories to yourself.

Okay, fine.  Share them with me if you must, but I can't promise I won't faint or throw up on you.  I once watched a woman give birth in my developmental psychology class and it was traumatic.

Hmmm, perhaps I should clarify.  The woman didn't give birth during class.  We watched a video of her giving birth, with her vagina center stage.  I told my mother it was the most unnatural thing I've ever seen and she told me it's the most natural thing there is.

And then my head exploded.

See?  Heads explode.  Vaginas don't.  Unless birthing humans is involved, then, well...didn't we already cover this?

Wow, this post has taken an unexpected turn.

As I way saying, some of you are uncomfortable by all the vagina talk.  However, I think it's important to note that most of the time when I talk about "vagina" I'm talking about the "vagina state of mind" not that thing between my legs.

"Thing between my legs."  That makes me sound like I have a wiener.  Which I DO NOT.  Just want to be clear on that.

Can you please elaborate on what "vagina state of mind" means?

Sorry.  I can't.  You either have it or you don't.  If you don't have it, don't despair.  You can acquire it.

Really!  How?!

I have no idea.  Try doing kegels or something.  Also?  There's a very good chance that if you're following this blog you already have a vagina state of mind.  Congratulations.

Now, about my vagina, Snow White and the woodland creatures - and in this case I'm talking about my actual vagina, not a state of mind, so if that's too much for you to handle, I understand.  Feel free to leave and come back when I'm blogging about puppies, which will probably never happen, so, nice knowing you, I guess.

Those of you who are my twats (for those of you new around here twats = my twitter friends) probably remember the night several months ago when I tweeted: "I don't want to alarm anyone, but I was just bitten on the vagina."

No you perverts, it's not what you're thinking.  The husband was out of town and I was all alone.

As usual, my twats were very supportive.  We tried to determine what exactly could have bitten me and we concluded it was either a bug or a ghost.

I know bug seems like the obvious choice, but I'm not totally convinced my house isn't haunted.  Sometimes my dog stares at the wall, or the space in front of wall, and his eyes start moving like he's following something and his tail starts wagging and I'm like, "stop it! stop looking at it, there's nothing there! stop it! stop it!"

So clearly being bitten by a ghost was totally a possibility.

The verdict was up in the air until I felt something on my leg, my upper thigh to be exact.  I figured it was lint, thread from my blanket, something and tried to brush it away.  But it didn't move.  So I looked down and OH SHIT! OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!

It's a bug.  A huge giant ass bug.  Similar to a cockroach , but not a cockroach, but just as gross as a cockroach.  You know the phrase blood curdling scream?  Well there's a reason for it.  Because I screamed so loudly my blood actually curdled.  I also think I made myself deaf in my left ear.

It's important to note that I live in a townhouse, which means I share a wall with another person.  We can hear each other when we sneeze so I know they heard me when I screamed my head off as though I were being murdered.  Shockingly, they did not run to my rescue.  Not even when I screamed again, threw my phone and fell over the back of the couch.

Did you guys catch the part where I said it was on my upper thigh?  Do you know what is due north of the upper thigh?  That's right, the vagina.

This was not the first time a creature had endeavored to make its way to my vagina.  The first time I was on my way to party in which I knew like two people so me and my anxiety disorder were really looking forward to it.  Just act normal, not too cool, not too weird, and on one will notice you're there.  That's all I had to do. Just act normal.

But no.  I decided I need to go to the bathroom and inspect whatever the hell was going on in my pants.  When the husband and I had left the house, I felt something on my shin, but chalked it up to my dramatics.  Then I felt something on my knee but assured myself it was nothing.  By the time we got to the party and I'd poured myself a solo cup of punch from a gasoline can - the hell? - that "something" was now on my thigh.

I pulled my pants down and at first thought it was lint, but on closer inspection realized it was a lizard.  An effing lizard in my pants!  A LIZARD IN MY PANTS! ON ITS WAY TO MY VAGINA!!!

I proceeded to lose my shit, go white in the face and poke my head out of the bathroom and squeak for the husband.  As you can imagine, people were lining up to be my friend.  And by that I mean, everyone thought I was freak.

Oh well.  At least I have the woodland creatures to keep me company, right?

*Remember when my incredibly lame post had a name-that-quote contest?  Well, we have a winner!  Let's all congratulate Catherine Dabels of the dabels divulge.

Catherine, I know you will be thrilled to accept your awesome prize.  Here it is...


  1. Oh, hold up.....I think my vagina just exploded!

  2. Yay! Congratulations...on your award and your vagina explosion!

  3. Oh hold up!!! I commented before I saw my name in this blog post! For sure now my vagina just exploded. I won a picture that's funnier than a sock drawer. I am honored but i should confess, I googled the answer, I didn't really know it. Do I have to give my prize back now?

    And also, did your vagina draw that?

  4. OK, you can NOT possibly think you lost your funny. Clearly it is stored in your vagina and THAT is what draws the woodland creatures!

    Tempted to go all medical on your err... box, and talk about what really can happen down there, but don't need to give your anxiety disorder more friends. Just happy to be yours.


  5. Okay, yeah. You're a freak like that. But guess what? Yup. I was the one reading to my kid. Does that make me a Super Freak?
    HE is uber nosy. Always wanting to know what I'm talking about, reading, what things mean, etc... etc...
    From a small child on. I warn him over and over. "You don't want to know." but he pushes until I cave. His older brother and father know the "you don't want to know" warning and trust that they surely Do Not Want To Know. They warn son #2 but he still pushes so I let it all fly. In which case he usually ends with, "okay, I guess I didn't want to know". Too late!!!
    So yes. I read. And yes I read to my kid. A boy at that!
    What??? Not like he doesn't know vaginas exist. He is 13 after all. And yes. He decided a few paragraphs in that "he certainly didn't want to know" and walked away. Silly boy. Always trust your mama.

  6. Is it explosions of the vagina or expulsions of the vagina that happen when you give birth???? I am so confused!!!!!

  7. This post totally needs a warning label before reading!

    * will spit wine out of your nose while reading this, please choose your beverage accordingly!

    SO Stinking funny! Which means you haven't in any way lost your funny!

  8. Are you sure it wasn't the ghost of a bug? I'm just sayin' that it's a possibility. That would be fucked up.

  9. I think I said this before, but I believe it needs repeating.. your unfunny is still a bazillion times funnier than my regular funny.... which I don't know is actually a compliment to most people, but from me it is.

    did ANY of that make sense?

    well anyhow.

    I totally have vagina state of mind... and with this blog plus bugginwords movie vaginas... I have massive vagina brain.

    I think if I found a bug bite on my vagina I'd probably freak the hell out and burn all my clothes and move to another house. Though I'm poor and can't afford to do that, so I'd probably call my landlord and make him pay for fumigation and a cozy hotel for me AND my cats.

    I HATE bugs!

  10. My GOD, woman! What is in that vagina that all manner of insect and rodent flock to it?

    And here I thought it was a ghost...

  11. Ugh. I wasn't finished, and I sent the last comment on accident. And now I can't remember where I was. Shit.

  12. That was so random and awesome that my vagina just exploded. YES IT IS POSSIBLE.

  13. And then you DID post on Thursday and didn't even tweet me! Well you sorta did, but then you left me hanging....

    Seriously, when I want to be funny, I try to channel you and hope I'm just half as funny. I read this trying NOT to LOL cuz then Mark would feel compelled to ask me WTH I'm laughing at and then I'd have to explain, "The Sarcasm Goddess is talking about vaginas and bugs and lizards!" And then he would have to know more and then and then and then...

    But I did LOL.

  14. oh my gawd, this post made me laugh so hard.. if you arn't sure if you have your "funny" back... im DEFINITLY sticking around to see what it's like when you know for SURE it is back.. :)

    I just sent you a twitter (@mrsjlrussell) about being nominated for a feature. tweet or email me back if your interested. :)

  15. That is it. I have no reason to write ever again.
    This, this shit is so frickin funny I can't even compete.

    And I think I'm in love.

    But not with your vagina. I don't think I like the company it keeps.

  16. Ugh that stupid cockroach thing!! You had me going crazy cuz just a few days before I had a spider trying to get to my vagina... I'm pretty sure I DON'T want to have a vagina explosion! Even birthing a human-ish thing--as it would be with the boy and I, due to our strangeness--seems awful to me. Can't the stork just do me a favor and hand it to me? I'd pay him with alcohol and hookers.

    Anyway, miss you chicka!

    love you!

  17. I swear on all that is holy (and by that, I mean Oprah) that THIS IS MY GREATEST FEAR OF LIFE. I fully intend to move away from Florida because I have such restricted vaginal muscles from being in constant kegel.

  18. If all the woodland creatures...and ghosts...are happy with your vagina, then I'm happy with your vagina too. Wait...that didn't sound good. It's hard to say you're happy about someone's vagina without sounding like a perv.

  19. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has bugs crawling up her pants on occasion.

    I looked down this morning and there was a spider on my boob. On my freaking boob!!! I started screaming (which surprisingly did not bring my husband WHO WAS IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM running to my aid), brushed it off and squished it before it could get away to bite me later...while my child excitedly called from the bed, "Where's the bug, Mom? I wanna see! Show me! Show me the bug, Mom!" Sorry, sweetie, but Mom is busy killing the damn spider before it bites one of us on the boob!!!

  20. You are funny and excellent. I’m happy I found your blog. I never considered exploding vaginas before, but terrible, unspeakable things DO happen during childbirth (Lala musings: Childbirth - the Terrible Truth (Humor), so if something exploded I would not at all be surprised. I know the cervix can just fall out, as if the body is turning a sock inside out. It sounds very distressing, and I hope it never happens to me.

    Anyway, I'm glad I happened upon your writing and look forward to following!


    Lala :-)


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