Elbow hurts? I have elbow cancer.
Knee hurts? I have incurable knee disease.
Back hurts? My kidneys are poisoned.
Stomach hurts? Stomach cancer. Appendicitis. Uterine cancer. Ovarian cancer. Fertilized egg stuck in my fallopian tube. Alien implantation.
Yeah, stomach pain is a fun one.
What do I do with all this pain and ailments? Go to a doctor? Heck no! What good would that do? I go to the all knowing authority on injury, illness and you-are-probably-dying disease. WebMD.
Have you ever entered your ailments into the symptom checker on WebMD? It's a rip-roaring good time, lemme tell ya. You click on the part of the body that ails you and then check off all the symptoms you have. It then spits out possible conditions associated with said symptoms ranging from Meh, It's Nothing to You Will Be Dead in Five Minutes.
Which one do I always, ALWAYS, assume I have? That's right, You Will Be Dead in Five Minutes. Which is why I have to hide from the husband when I'm diagnosing myself on WedMD. He somehow thinks WebMD feeds my hysteria and therefore will take my phone or the computer away from me if he sees me on the site,
I have turned to WebMD for each of the ailments listed above and every time, every single time, WebMD includes Panic Attack in the list of possible conditions.
Panic Attack? Really WebMD? What are you trying to say? That people who check their symptoms on WebMD are prone to hysterics? That we tend to over-react? That we tend to freak out over absolutely nothing? Listen here WebMD, I've had panic attacks and never once did my elbow start hurting. I'm pretty sure that elbow pain I've been experiencing for the last day and a half is due to bone cancer. Duh.
And you call yourself a doctor. Honestly.
Yesterday, I started experiencing a tingly sensation on the top of my head which has persisted throughout today. Time for WebMD!
I have to say, checking off my list of symptoms was quite fun. All I wanted to do was check off "tingly head," find out that my brain was infested with brain-eating bugs and tell my boss I was going home to die. He'd probably try to convince me to stay due to all those Important Deadlines, but seriously dude, there are bugs in my head.
"Tingly head" was not a listed symptom, but "agitation" was and I was all, "well I have been feeling extra stabby lately," so I checked it.
Then came "depressed mood." Yep, I battle depression. Check!
Next was "difficulty concentrating." Hmmm, let's see. I've stopped writing this post four times to check for split ends, watch an ant crawl across my desk, ponder how long I can "hold it" until my bladder explodes, and check for split ends again. Yeah, I'd say I have difficulty concentrating.
Difficulty falling asleep? Check!
Difficulty sleeping? Check!
Easily distracted? Che...hey you guys wanna see my wind up caterpillar? His name is Henry. He crawls across my des...where are all these ants coming fro...OMG I have to pee so bad.
Feeling of being detached from reality? Bahahaha. Who me?
Fits of rage? Check. DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME OR I WILL STAB YOU IN THE FACE!
Forgetfulness? Yes I'd like some cheese. I'm sorry what were we talking about?
Hallucinations? Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was pretty darn sure I saw a YUGE wolf at the gas station? And there totally was a squirrel sitting on my tire one morning before work. Totally.
Hearing voices? What? Can you please speak up? I can't hear you. It's so loud in my head.
Paranoia? They're watching me. I know it.
As I checked off each new symptom, the list of possible conditions grew, with Depression and Schizophrenia battling it out for the top spot. Finally I checked my last symptom "impending sense of doom" and coming from behind, shooting to the top like The Little Engine That Could, as the leading possible cause of "tingly head" was: Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Seriously, WebMD? Seriously? Anxiety? Me? Were you even paying attention to my symptoms? I'm hearing voices. Thousands of tiny bug voices.
What sort of quack-job, crack-head medical school did you go to? I should sue you for mal-practice.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Phst.
No you don't get partial credit for trying to cover all your bases. In fact, I'm pretty sure that makes you an even worse doctor. Seriously, you listed Intoxication (yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd know if I were drunk), Premenstrual Syndrome (it's like you're asking to be stabbed) and Panic Attack (thought you could just slip that one in without me noticing, didja?) as possible conditions of "tingly head"? WTF ever.
I think it's time I find a new doctor, but first, tell me, do you think this pain in my wrist is carpal tunnel or wrist cancer?
Oh wait, never mind. I'm just having a panic attack.