Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Summer Blog Social

 First, let me say thank you to all who commented on my blog or twitter in response to yesterday's post.  It means so very much to me.  Thank you so much for your kind words and your support

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The fabulous Liz of A Belle, A Bean & A Chicago Dog and the fantastic Jessica of Four Plus an Angel are hosting a #SummerBlogSocial for those of us devastated we're not at BlogHer '11 too awesome for BlogHer '11.  I was encouraged by some amazing people, I'm looking at you @carribrown, to link up. But I was all, "blog advice?  what kind of blog advice could I give?"  Since I started this blog 17 months ago, I'm lucky if I manage to do more than pee my pants and fall down stairs.

But it seems that all the cool kids are doing this, and I've always wanted to be one of the cool kids.  So here goes.

For those of you who are new bloggers and/or new to my blog, I am sorry for the train-wreck you are about to witness.  I'm probably going to talk about vagina and bacon a lot, but do not dismiss it all as terrible advice.  I may have figured this bloggy thing out just a little bit.  Probably not.  But I will say on June 2nd I had 37 followers.  Today, I have 164 followers.  That's like a four hundred thousand percent increase.  Or something that is less than that.  Whatever.  Blogging is about words, not math.

I''m going to share a few bloggy do's, a few bloggy don'ts, a few bloggy tips - which is probably the exact same thing as bloggy do's - and some other really awesome stuff.  Or maybe I'll just talk about my vagina and bacon.  Either way it will be awesome and you'll walk away feeling inspired.

The first thing you need to know:

YOUR BLOG WILL DEFINE YOU.  IF YOU FAIL AT BLOGGING YOU WILL FAIL AT EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE.

Um yeah.  That's probably not true at all.

Okay, time for the real advice.  I'm going to try not to duplicate things that others have already said, cuz quite honestly, they've said it a lot better than I ever could.

1. Link yo' shit up.  Participating in links is a great way to whore your blog and meet other bloggers.  Some of my favorites linky links ba dink a donk links (the hell?) are:

The Red Dress Club
Lady Bloggers Society
She Writes  I think you have to actually become a member to share your posts here, but it's very easy to do.
Poppy aka @funnyorsnot WTF Wednesday (one of my all time favs.)
Rach aka @donutsmama Life Lessons
Lovelinks

There are many others and please don't stab me if I forgot you.

If you're feeling particularly daring, host your own link (if you want to know how, leave me a comment and I'll break it down for you.)

2. Don't be an asshat.  When you first start blogging you will want followers so badly you may be tempted to go to a really dark place: following blogs you have no interest in reading in the hopes they will follow you back; leaving the following comment on someone else's blog "hey I'm a new follower.  follow me back"; putting guns to people's heads and forcing them to click the follow button.  These are all things that warrant a virtual throat punch.

However, feel free to guilt your friends and family into following your blog.  They should be the first to sing your praises and whore your blog and if they are not doing this then you have my permission to kick them in the knee cap.

3. Be a twat.  And by that I obviously mean, join twitter.  I know, I know.  I resisted for so long.  But it is truly the greatest thing I have ever done.  EVER.  Greater than graduating college.  Greater than learning to count by twos.  Greater than dragging my ass out of bed and going to work when I stayed up too late the night before blogging, commenting and being on the twat.

The greatest benefit of joining twitter is not the new blog followers you are guaranteed to get.

WHAT?!

The blog followers are a side benefit.  A great one indeed, but not The Best one.

The best benefit of twitter is the people.  Those real life human beings behind all those great blogs you love.  My twats are my friends.  WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT!

One of the best nights of my life was a twitter conversation involving thong onesies, labia and legwarmers with @therobotmommy and @coffeeluvinmom.  I was laughing so hard I hurt.  I've never even met these women, but we "talked" the way you talk with those friends you've known for a really really long time.  The ones who hold your hair when you're worshiping the porcelain throne.

And the night the husband was out of town and my vagina was under attack by bugs and ghosts, who was there for me?  My twats.  I never would have gotten through the night without them.

In other words, blogging is a community.  A fan-freaking-tastic community.  Of amazing people.  Ones who will laugh with you - and possibly at you - cry with you, support you, pray for you, be pissed on your behalf, encourage you, buy you bacon, and make you feel like the coolest kid in school.  I am so very truly, completely, totally, sincerely honored to be a part of such a fantabulous group.

4. Life is short, drink wine.
This one is more of a life rule than a blog rule, but wine-ing whilst blogging is encouraged.

5. Talk about your vagina.  No, really. TALK ABOUT YOUR VAGINA.  I talk about my vagina A LOT on twitter and have more than 300 twitter followers.  I talk about my vagina occasionally (although the frequency is increasing) on my blog and I have 164 followers.  This is simple math, folks.  People love the vagina.

6. Pick a blog topic, stay on topic, don't deviate lest you DIE!  Write about whatever the hell you want.  Sure, if you start a blog that's all about knitting and then never talk about knitting, you're probably not going to have many knitting followers and you're probably going to confuse a lot of potential  non-knitting followers.  "She says it's knitting blog but she talks about bacon an awful lot."

Basically, if you are interesting, if you are real, if you are YOU, people will follow.

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than write for the public and have no self." - Cyril Connolly.

7. For my last point, allow me to slightly modify a quote by Henry David Thoreau (don't worry, I totally got Mr. Thoreau's permission):  "You cannot sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."*

Thanks again to Liz of A Belle, A Bean & A Chicago Dog and the fantastic Jessica of Four Plus an Angel for hosting the #SummerBlogSocial.


*Mr. Thoreau's quote: "How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."

Liked what you read?  Of course you did!  Then hit the little follow button.  It would make me so happy to see your face there.  Don't want to wait hours upon hours for my next post?  Follow me on twitter @sarcasmgoddess and get minute by minute vagina action.  I also talk about bacon a lot.  And sausage.  It's exactly as awesome as it sounds.

21 comments:

  1. I pissed myself. Seriously.

    VAGINA!

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  2. must be a female thing.

    I mentioned my junk once on twitter and lost 100 followers and had to sleep on the couch for two weeks.

    hilarious

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  3. Dying of laughter.

    My MIL reads my blog, and she already doesn't like me. Vagina mentions would put her over the edge. Hmmm, a good or a bad thing?

    Yay for the funny.

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  4. #7 - marry someone who will unknowingly provide quality blog material.

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  5. For the record...I followed you on twitter before I knew about the vagina and bacon talk...and before I knew you would refer to me as a twat. I just want everyone to know that right up front.

    Now that that's out of the way...great post with some really good advice for new bloggers.

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  6. Take a good lesson from Carri and talk about your lack of bladder/bowl function a lot too. :) People love that shit.

    No, really!

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  7. Seriously stellar advice!

    I am honored to be counted among your twats, even if all the vagina talk scares me. It's only because I'm not as awesome as you.

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  8. Goddess (I like calling you that, I know you like it too),

    I'm so glad to see that your blog has grown the way it has. I was here on (or before?) June 2 and it makes me proud, sorta like if I was your parent, to see how well you've done in 2 short months.

    A parent that tolerates the proliferation of talk about your vagina, tampons and bacon.

    Rock on.

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  9. I think I just peed a little! Great post!

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  10. My favorite line? "And the night the husband was out of town and my vagina was under attack by bugs and ghosts, who was there for me? My twats." I LOLed! At a few spots on this post. Love it! :)

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  11. I was wondering when you were going to share your words of wisdom with us.

    Looks like you have everything figured out just fine.

    Twitter is great for growing your blog.

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  12. I'm thinking that now I have to think of myself as a "twatter" bc I love twitter so much. Not sure I should thank you for that. BUT who knew vaginas and bacon went together so well. the mind sort of boggles. I'd say that you've got this blogging thing pretty much knocked: twat, bacon, vagina, be true to thyself. If only Thoreau had known these things he never would've had to go to the woods (where none of these things can be found).

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  13. The #1 reason I visit your blog is because I know I'll be reading something I haven't read anywhere else :-)
    The #2 reason is because I will laugh at least once, guaranteed.
    The #3 reason is, of course, bacon.

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  14. I like what The Husband said. That's pretty much how it goes around here.

    I joined Twitter......I still don't see it's worth. I feel like the fat girl that got invited to the party because the party girls mom made her invite me.

    It's like high school all over again.

    Maybe if I talked about my vagina in high school more......

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  15. I love Poppy, and I TOTALLY get why you are bloggy BFFs. ;-)

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  16. Thanks for the great advice for blogging newbies... and the funny. Love your work! :)

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  17. I love you. I just. I. Love. You.

    You were my very first twatting friend. Not follower, but actual friend. And I love that!

    You've made me a better blogger, because you've made me feel safe enough to be me, in all my wacky glory. Plus, you inform me about your daily bagel sightings.

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  18. Great post! I have loved reading all the Summer Blog Social posts, and have learned something from each one.

    From yours, I'll take the va-gine talk. OK, how am I going to be able to blog about vagina if I have to hyphenate it to get it out? ;)

    And bacon. I'm thinking a BLT is in order right now. Hold the L and T.

    Mandi
    Smile and Mama With Me

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  19. Although it was tempting to define my blog within narrow, specific guidelines, I took the same advice you give here and post what I want in my own voice. I'd rather have a hundred followers who actually like the real me than have a thousand who are there because they're doing me a favor or think they might win some swag.

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  20. After linking-up with The Red Dress Club for the very first time, this was the first blog I visited and the sarcasm reached out and grabbed me; it's now holding me hostage as I'm sitting here, laughing my vagina off and loving everything I've read.

    Thanks for making my day!

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.