I mean seriously you guys, my advice was so good. I know you already know this, but do you realize just how good it was? Do you? DO YOU?!!
Well, it was so damn good I lost a follower. That's right. You follow the advice I gave yesterday and people will unfollow you.
Hold the phone. Someone actually unfollowed you. YOU?! The Goddess of all that is awesome and sarcasm and vagina and bacon?!!
I know. I was just as shocked as you. I mean, seriously. What is the world coming to if people can no longer appreciate a healthy dose of vagina and
I know you all are totally outraged by this, and at first I was too. But now? I'm glad they're gone. Good riddance, I say! I have it on good authority that this person-who-is-no-longer-awesome skins kittens and slaughters puppies. And I don't know about you guys, but that is a follower I can do without.
So today's #SummerBlogSocial advice contains only one tip, but it's an important one.
What's popular is not always right and what's right is not always popular.
In other words: Be strong! Stand up for what you believe! Do not cave to the pressures of non-vagina blog talk!
I believe in vagina and I will continue to write about vagina, I don't care how many followers I lose! (Unless I lose them all, in which case I'llWriteAboutWhateverYouGuysWantMeToJustPleaseComeBackAndBeMyFriend.)
In fact, I am so committed to talking about my vagina, I'm going to talk about it right now.
AND I DARE ANYONE TO UNFOLLOW ME!
Normally, when I talk about my vagina, I talk about how utterly awesome it is. But today, I'm going to talk about the time my vagina betrayed me.
I guess technically it was my uterus that betrayed me, but they're basically the same thing. Or not. Whatever. I'm not a doctor.
Now in the interest of full disclosure, this story was first told in a comment I posted on Lady Estrogen's blog the other day. I shared it with her because she has a unique appreciation for these types of stories. Now that it has Lady Estrogen's stamp of over-sharing approval, I am positively delighted to share it with you all.
This story takes place a long long time ago. Like almost ten years. The husband (who was the boyfriend at the time) and I had been dating for six months. We were on summer break and I was staying with the husband and his family for a week.
Of course I was very concerned with making a good impression. I cleaned up after myself, I made the bed, I helped cook dinner, and...I destroyed their plumbing. Or rather my asshole uterus did.
You see, occasionally I get really bad P.E.R.I.O.D. cramps. Like really bad. You know that show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? Well I think it's total bullshit, cuz honestly. How can you not know you're pregnant?
I just thought I was gainin all that weight because I eat Twinkies for breakfast lunch an dinner an I just thought all the commotion in my stomach was gas bubbles and I haven't had my period in nine months, but that's due to all the...ooh look, a Twinkie!
You know why you shouldn't call people liars and judge them and think they are stupid? Because paybacks a bitch. In the form of a vengeful uterus who will make you wish for death. I've sat on the toilet, doubled in pain, screaming my head off with cramps so bad I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised if I'd had one of my very own toilet babies.
Now that the stage has been set for what a jackhole my uterus can be, let's go back to my future in-laws house where my uterus decided to launch Mach 3 Bitch Mode.
The setting: The Bathroom.
More specifically: The Toilet
The characters: Yours Truly.
I was sitting on the Throne of Doom, doubled over in pain, moaning and wailing, in the worst pain of my life.
Oh, come on. How bad could it be?
Bad enough it made me vomit and diarrhea at the same time.
It was exactly as sexy as it sounds and to make it even better, my future in-laws had these earth friendly hey-let's-save-water toilets that would clog if you attempted to flush anything larger than a rabbit pellet.
So in addition to having it come out both ends, I had to jump up every five seconds to flush the toilet and try to sit back down before my ass exploded again.
This went on for hours. At times I made the husband stay in the bathroom with me. You know, for moral support. Vomit and diarrhea and your period all at the same time is a lot for any guy to handle, but a guy you've been dating for six months? That's enough to make him
Huh. Would you look at that. What started out as a story about the most vile thing on the planet (the person who unfollowed me) turned into good blogging advice, turned into a story about my vagina, which all turned out to be a love story. A love story with a moral.
Which is? If you talk about your vagina on your blog, you will never go wrong. Trust me on this. I have not lost just one blog follower, I've lost FOUR blog followers in the history of my blog. Clearly I know what I'm talking about.
Liked what you read? Of course you did! Then hit the little follow button. It would make me so happy to see your face there. Don't want to wait hours upon hours for my next post? Follow me on twitter @sarcasmgoddess and get minute by minute vagina action. I also talk about bacon a lot. And sausage. It's exactly as awesome as it sounds.