Friday, August 5, 2011

See! I *Do* Know What I'm talking About

Yesterday I participated in the #SummerBlogSocial hosted by Liz at A Belle, A Bean & A Chicago Dog and Jessica from Four Plus An Angel.  This Social lasts for several days, but I had only intended to participate for one day, cuz honestly, after yesterday's amazing advice what more could I have to say?

I mean seriously you guys, my advice was so good.  I know you already know this, but do you realize just how good it was?  Do you?  DO YOU?!!

Well, it was so damn good I lost a follower.  That's right.  You follow the advice I gave yesterday and people will unfollow you.

Hold the phone.  Someone actually unfollowed you.  YOU?!  The Goddess of all that is awesome and sarcasm and vagina and bacon?!!

I know.  I was just as shocked as you.  I mean, seriously.  What is the world coming to if people can no longer appreciate a healthy dose of vagina and some a lot of bacon?  It's a world I don't even think I want to be a part of.

I know you all are totally outraged by this, and at first I was too.  But now?  I'm glad they're gone.  Good riddance, I say!  I have it on good authority that this person-who-is-no-longer-awesome skins kittens and slaughters puppies.  And I don't know about you guys, but that is a follower I can do without.

So today's #SummerBlogSocial advice contains only one tip, but it's an important one.

What's popular is not always right and what's right is not always popular.

In other words: Be strong!  Stand up for what you believe!  Do not cave to the pressures of non-vagina blog talk!

I believe in vagina and I will continue to write about vagina, I don't care how many followers I lose! (Unless I lose them all, in which case I'llWriteAboutWhateverYouGuysWantMeToJustPleaseComeBackAndBeMyFriend.)

In fact, I am so committed to talking about my vagina, I'm going to talk about it right now.


Normally, when I talk about my vagina, I talk about how utterly awesome it is.  But today, I'm going to talk about the time my vagina betrayed me.

I guess technically it was my uterus that betrayed me, but they're basically the same thing.  Or not.  Whatever.  I'm not a doctor.

Now in the interest of full disclosure, this story was first told in a comment I posted on Lady Estrogen's blog the other day.  I shared it with her because she has a unique appreciation for these types of stories.  Now that it has Lady Estrogen's stamp of over-sharing approval, I am positively delighted to share it with you all.

This story takes place a long long time ago.  Like almost ten years.  The husband (who was the boyfriend at the time) and I had been dating for six months.  We were on summer break and I was staying with the husband and his family for a week.

Of course I was very concerned with making a good impression.  I cleaned up after myself, I made the bed, I helped cook dinner, and...I destroyed their plumbing.  Or rather my asshole uterus did.

You see, occasionally I get really bad P.E.R.I.O.D. cramps.  Like really bad.  You know that show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant?  Well I think it's total bullshit, cuz honestly.  How can you not know you're pregnant?

I just thought I was gainin all that weight because I eat Twinkies for breakfast lunch an dinner an I just thought all the commotion in my stomach was gas bubbles and I haven't had my period in nine months, but that's due to all the...ooh look, a Twinkie!

You know why you shouldn't call people liars and judge them and think they are stupid?  Because paybacks a bitch.  In the form of a vengeful uterus who will make you wish for death.  I've sat on the toilet, doubled in pain, screaming my head off with cramps so bad I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised if I'd had one of my very own toilet babies.

Now that the stage has been set for what a jackhole my uterus can be, let's go back to my future in-laws house where my uterus decided to launch Mach 3 Bitch Mode.

The setting: The Bathroom.

More specifically: The Toilet

The characters: Yours Truly.

I was sitting on the Throne of Doom, doubled over in pain, moaning and wailing, in the worst pain of my life.  

Oh, come on.  How bad could it be?

Bad enough it made me vomit and diarrhea at the same time.

It was exactly as sexy as it sounds and to make it even better, my future in-laws had these earth friendly hey-let's-save-water toilets that would clog if you attempted to flush anything larger than a rabbit pellet.

So in addition to having it come out both ends, I had to jump up every five seconds to flush the toilet and try to sit back down before my ass exploded again. 

This went on for hours.  At times I made the husband stay in the bathroom with me.  You know, for moral support.  Vomit and diarrhea and your period all at the same time is a lot for any guy to handle, but a guy you've been dating for six months?  That's enough to make him run bolt for the hills.  But the husband?  Didn't bolt.  He stayed with me in that bathroom, and every day since then (but not, like every day in the bathroom with me, cuz that would just be awesome weird.).

Huh.  Would you look at that.  What started out as a story about the most vile thing on the planet (the person who unfollowed me) turned into good blogging advice, turned into a story about my vagina, which all turned out to be a love story.  A love story with a moral.

Which is?  If you talk about your vagina on your blog, you will never go wrong.  Trust me on this.  I have not lost just one blog follower, I've lost FOUR blog followers in the history of my blog.  Clearly I know what I'm talking about.

Liked what you read?  Of course you did!  Then hit the little follow button.  It would make me so happy to see your face there.  Don't want to wait hours upon hours for my next post?  Follow me on twitter @sarcasmgoddess and get minute by minute vagina action.  I also talk about bacon a lot.  And sausage.  It's exactly as awesome as it sounds.


  1. There is absolutely zero excuse for unfollowing you. Well I guess unless you just don't have a sense of humor. But then i gotta wonder, what were they even doing here in the first place?

  2. Unfollowing you was clearly their loss. Now they won't experience your awesomeness.

  3. The unfollower? May a tampon bird fall on her (his?) head.

  4. They must have been jealous of how poetically you write about your vagina.

  5. Hahaha - I feel so privileged, because really... my stamp of approval doesn't mean shit to anyone else. I've tried.

    So, that makes today a good day. Yay!

    Also? My H would have feckin' bolted. He doesn't not do well with bodily functions, no matter how much love is involved. haha

  6. I say to hell with the unfollower!

    Ah, I truly believe sharing a bathroom at the worst of times is a sign of true love. Just ask my hubby who had to hold my leg up while I sat on the throne in agony after my second knee surgery.

    I say bring on more vagina!

  7. Oh em ge. This post was amazeballs. Clearly, your husband is a saint.

  8. i will shank a bitch if she unfollows you again. the end.

  9. I don't know how it could get any better than vagina's and bacon.

    and that story is awesome... not in what happened with your vagina, but what happened with your bf.. cuz obviously it meant he was a keeper.. which he obviously was because you married him.

    was your vagina just being a bitch that month or were there other factors at play? Or is that just too personal?

  10. So eloquent and beautifully put. Screw the un-follower for not knowing true literary masterpieces when she sees them. Anyone who's anyone in this biz knows that stories about vaginas are timeless, and always have good morals attached.

    Oh, and those energy-earth-loving-water-saving toilets? I effing HATE them. Especially when the house you're at that has one doesn't have a plunger. Who the eff has a toilet like that and doesn't keep a plunger around? Do people like that even shit?

  11. I've also heard that this unfollower is responsible for global warming, consorts with robots and alligators, and likes to throat punch baby pandas. I think we're all better off without this vile excuse for a blog follower.

    Oh, and? You're awesomesauce. With a cherry on top.

  12. Your husband sounds AWESOME! Mine, after 18 years of being together, still would not pee in front of me and vice versa. I truly think this is the reason we divorced. Not his verbal and mental abuse, not his alcoholism and not his prescription drug abuse.

    He wouldn't let me pee in front of him.

    That shows an appalling lack of trust on his part, don't you agree?

    Moral of the story. If you don't want to end up addicted, divorced and dead...LET YOUR WIFE PEE AND OR POOP IN FRONT OF YOU!

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