Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Post That DOESN'T Suck

You guys remember when I wrote that crappy post that was totally unfunny?

Of course you do.  It was like three hours ago.

It turns out I didn't have to put you through the torture of that crappiness (although I'm kinda glad I did, because I received copious amounts of love and support from you guys and it was awesome and made me feel warm and fuzzy, kinda like those socks I'll be writing about), because today I have a guest poster!

Now before you think I'm the worst host in the history of guest posting hosts, I didn't forget I had a guest poster.  I actually thought I had one, and then thought they were posting tomorrow, and then I was very confused and thought maybe I entered the Twilight Zone or was in a parallel universe or something.

But lucky for me, and you guys, today is the day!  TODAY IS THE DAY!  My guest poster is here!  In order to make up for the horrible lateness in which I am posting this, I will not post another post until Thursday giving you all adequate time to read his post and ooh and ahh.

My guest poster is actually here as part of his virtual book tour.  That's right twats, I have a real life writer on my blog.  My guest is Tyler Tarver of the hilarious tylertarver.com.  Tyler describes himself as mainly a person, but also a human being.  Which, at first, made me leery of him because honestly, how can one person be both of those things?  Somehow Tyler manages to pull it off.

Did I mention Tyler is hilarious?  Because he is.  Also?  His blog sometimes makes me feel drunk in that, wow is there alcohol in this punch because I totally didn't taste it but now I can't walk straight and has anyone seen my shoe, kind of way.

That, my friends is talent.

I was so totally stoked when Tyler asked me if I'd like to be part of his book tour, partly because I want to support an awesome writer such as he (such as him?), and also because I think he is going places, like probably to Home Depot to get light bulbs and the grocery store to get food, but MAINLY because I like to leach off the fame of others.  I figure if I host a published author on my blog maybe, by osmosis or the property of transference or whatever I will become published too.

Just kidding (kind of).  Today's not about me.  It's about Tyler Tarver.  The book he wrote is called Words & Sentences.  I bought the book and, you guys, he does not disappoint.  The book is indeed filled with words and sentences.  How Tyler managed to pull off something so cutting edge I shall never know, but I'm glad he did because It.  Is.  Awesome.

So now, without further ado, heeeree'ssss Tyler!

DEAR HANSEL AND GRETEL,

Hey you 2. What’s up like a Disney movie? I’m kidding, you’re both idiots.

That was harsh, allow me to explain, or don’t, you’re both fictional. I think you both lack the mental capacity for common sense. Why? Let me break it down like K-Nex.

a) You followed a witch to her house. Unless it’s Hermione Granger, I’m not going. If it is, I’m running whilst carrying her. Sorry Amanda.

b) You left bread as your “foil proof plan”. Seriously? Ok, this was kinda a good idea, but why didn’t you just run into the woods. She’s an old witch for goodness sake. Goodness sake? What’s that.

Okay, so maybe it’s just one reason, but you still should never follow a witch into the woods. Especially if she’s a cannibal witch with high standards for meat quantities.

I had to google your name to know how to spell it. I’m looking at you Gretel.

What kinda name is that? Gretel. It sounds likes what soup turns into if you leave a little bit in the pan on the skillet and it gets really crispy, like a hard Pringle.

Have you guys ever been to a baseball game?

I doubt it, from the sound of it you have pretty neglectful parents to let you roam around in the woods with bread when you’re too stupid to not follow witches.

What do you guys do for a living?

That story is like 20 or 100 years old, so I bet you guys probably work at a gas station or are dead.

What’s it like to live in the part of heaven where stupid people live?

I’m sorry for being so mean to you guys, it just really bugs me that you were so irresponsible. I bet you’re the kind of students that say they did their homework and left it at home but really are lying and didn’t even start it.

Hansel, you seem cool.

Love,

Tyler

Ps Seriously, your parents were probably on drugs when they named you guys.

Tyler Tarver is a certain height. You can check out his website tylertarver.com, subscribe to it here, check him on Twitter @tylertarver, or just buy his brand new toilet book which he won’t shut up about titled Words&Sentences that four people have said is “funnier than sliced bread.”

That was awesome, right?  And funny!  If you didn't think it was funny you are probably dead and that makes me sad but don't worry, I'll say nice things about you at your funeral.

His book is filled with funny stories just like this!  So go buy it!

Thanks for guest posting Tyler and including me in your book tour!



10 comments:

  1. that reminds me of the Sex and the City episode where Miranda defends the witch... "you spend your life building your dream house, and these brats come along and eat it"

    I'm with her... Hansel and Gretel sound like brats... they deserve to get eaten. Natural Selection, bitches!

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  2. I love it when people think of random stuff like that and go on a rant. That was hilarious! I'm gonna go check him out right now--not in the way that that sounds. I'm married, after all.

    Great job, sir!

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  3. Your right SG. I'm feeling a little tipsy after that post. Like woah.

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  4. I couldn't help but notice that this post contained words and sentences. This seems suspicious to me...since his book also contains words and sentences.

    Did he think nobody would notice? I'm really not sure what he's up to with all of this...but I intend to find out.

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  5. That left me all tingly inside. Like a I've been standing on a jackhammer too long and I can't get my body to stop buzzing.

    I like tingles.

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  6. Hey Witch,
    You're clearly feeding Hansel more calories than you can possibly hope to get out of fat Hansel so why don't we skip chapter 4 and just toss the kids in the oven right away?
    Regards,
    Me

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  7. Sarky- how do you find these people hmmm?

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  8. Gretel...so that's what crispy soup remains are called...have always wondered.

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  9. Um. Why didn't you make sure I KNEW you posted? I was sitting around thinking you weren't posting til Thursday! Gawd!

    This guy is HILARIOUS and I fully intend to go from here to Twitter and his site to follow him.

    And I kind of love the title of his book.

    (I wonder if he's reading this and thinking I'm rude for talking about him behind his back?)

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