Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The One With All the Bacon

So.  I'm sure you've all heard by now that one of Mama Kat's prompts this week is the Top Ten Reasons Bacon is Awesome.  Of course we have Mama Kat to thank for this because she is our amazing host, but we also have Carri Brown (Mommy's Little Monster) to thank because she inspired the post.  And I like to think that I inspired Carri Brown - cuz everything's always about me even when it's nothing about me - so therefore you all have me to thank for this week's awesome prompt.

You're welcome.

Okay, for serious now.  If you're my twat, then you know the amount of bacon talk on twitter borders on obscene.  So it was no surprise that a few of you were all, "hey did you see Mama Kat's prompt about bacon?"  Because honestly, if anyone has ten reason bacon is awesome it's me, right?



You see.  Umm...Well...Me and pressure?  Well we don't get along.

Pressure?  What do you mean?  Make a list containing ten reasons bacon is awesome.  It's not that hard.

Actually, it is.  Have you noticed how I tell stories about the husband, but I've never actually written a "why I love the husband so much" post?  There's a reason for that.  You see, when I love something sooooo much, it's hard for me to put it into words.

Yes, I realize the tragedy of this.  I am a writer and the times when I need words the most, they fail me.  Combine that with the pressure to write something heart-warming, inspiring, funny, or witty about bacon, and, well, has anyone seen my anxiety meds?

I mean, honestly, what else do I have to say about bacon other than one: I love bacon, two: I eat bacon for breakfast lunch and dinner, three: I like to strip naked and roll around in bacon, four: I...wait, WHAT?!

Okay.  Here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to take a little tiny itty bitty liberty with Mama Kat's prompt.  Hopefully she won't be pissed and stabbed me in face.  I don't know if you guys have heard or not, but twitter is violent.  Seriously, all you have to do I tweet: "I'm so pissed I'm going to stab someone" and within seconds an entire volunteer army is amassed outfitted with scissors, knives, forks, really sharp number two pencils, and ninja stars.

It's really quite inspiring.

As I was saying, I'm taking liberties.  Instead of talking about why bacon is so awesome, I'm going to give a BACON QUIZ!

I know.  You're so excited you want to pee, but please, try to control yourself.  Or don't.  It's really up to you.

Leave your answers in the comments and whoever gets the most right gets a special super de-duper totally awesome prize.  Or, you know, it might kinda suck.

Just kidding!  It'll rock your world.

Are you ready?

Here we go.

Wait!  I forgot something.  You cannot research the answers on the internets. 

How will I know if you do? 

Oh, I'll know. 

And you'll be sorry.

I'm watching you...

1. Bacon bits sold at supermarkets are actually vegetarian.
a. True
b. False

2. Bacon contains some vitamins and antioxidants.
a. True
b. False

3. Bacon usually comes from:
a. the butt of the pig
b. the belly of the pig
c. No animals were harmed in the making of bacon, because denial and all

4. Bacon is tastiest when it is:
a. barely cooked
b. slightly rubbery
c. crunchy and crumbly

5. Kevin Bacon's ancestors were pig farmers and traded the first units of bacon on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange
a. True
b. False

6. People who don't like bacon are:
a. robots
b. aliens
c. robot aliens

7. A micro nutrient found in pork products like bacon could actually boost the intelligence of an unborn child.
a. True
b. False

8. Which country consumes the most pork?
a. United States of America
b. Denmark
c. The United States of Sarcasm Goddess
d. Canada

9. Eating bacon makes you more awesome than The Sarcasm Goddess
a. True
b. False

10. Which of the following statements is true?
a. The Sarcasm Goddess has always liked bacon, but her like turned to love when the husband made her breakfast seven years ago and proposed.  The breakfast consisted of bacon cooked four different ways including a bacon quiche which contained her engagement ring.

b. The Sarcasm Goddess does like bacon but not nearly as much as everyone thinks she does.  An innocent tweet months ago somehow spun out of control and now she has this incredible bacon-loving image she has to live up to, causing her insane amounts of anxiety.

c. The Sarcasm Goddess cooks in bacon in the microwave, not on the stove because when she was very little, another little girl in her grandmother's neighborhood was cooking bacon on the stove, knocked over the frying pan and was burned very badly by the grease.  It was so bad the ambulance had to take the little girl to the hospital and The Sarcasm Goddess has be traumatized ever since.

Good luck!  The answers, the winner and the prize will be announced on Friday.


  1. Totally thought of you too when I saw that prompt. So serrendipitous! Here are my answers - you'll be amazed to know that I did not cheat!
    1. a,
    2. a,
    3. b, (isn't ham from the butt?)
    4. c, (I refuse to accept any other answer)
    5. b,
    6. c,
    7. b,
    8. a, we consume the most everything don't we?
    9. b, no one is more awesome
    10. b (please, because the first is enviable and the last is horrible)

  2. I can't believe you say for serious - I've been doing that since high school..okay here's my answers:

  3. 1. a
    2. a
    3. a
    4. b
    5. b
    6. c
    7. a
    8. d
    9. b
    10. b

    effing awesome bacon quiz!

  4. But I don't wanna take a quiz! This is a blog, not school!

    OK, I'm done whining.

    a, b, b, b (but this is subjective opinion), b, c, b, a, b, b

    Um, have you considered the possibility of a tie?

  5. Baaaahahahahhaha....
    A Bacon quiz.
    That's awesome. I will have to take it once I'm awake again and on the pc. Love it though!!!

  6. i. I am commenting/answering this quiz from my iPhone because this post in damn hilarious, but still, you should appreciate all the extra effort this is gonna take. Ok. Let's do this. 

    1. False. And if it's true don't you dare tell me if it is.

    2. True. I'll bet even rocks have SOME nutritional value. But who cares, they are not nearly as tasty as bacon. 

    3. C **fingers in ears** lalalalala

    4. Where is all of the above? Fine, if I HAVE to choose... B. 

    5. False. (But one of his distant cousins invented Baconaise.)

    6. D. CUH-RAZY robot aliens

    7. True. Unborn children aren't that smart though, so boosting their intelligence isn't that hard. 

    8. A. C is close, but cannot compare to an entire nation striving to appear in a news segment opener as a headless obese person strolling the streets of America. 

    9. False. (hey, thanks for the gimme. I'll get at least one right.)

    10. B sounds like the exact description of Twitter. It should be included on the Twitter welcome page so that new tweeters know what can happen if they aren't careful. 

    And this concludes my taking of your super awesome quiz. You rock. 

  7. I didn't know it was quiz day and I forgot to study.

    I'll just answer A for everything.

    You can tell me I'm the winner. I already know I am.

  8. #8 depends on per capita, I presume, because population alone makes the US win by default.
    Either way, I think the correct answer is c.

    All the rest? Sorry. I have ADD. What were the questions again? LOL.

    Loved it. Awesome.


  9. why, why, why did i come here on quiz day?! i'm cheating off Jessica. winning!

    BA CON!

  11. Um. Not a bacon fan. 'Tis True.

  12. I really don't know anything about bacon except how to cook it and how it tastes. And I don't want to cheat...because you'll know. Even though you're supposedly being held hostage in an undisclosed location.

    So...good luck to everyone else. But please make the next quiz about something I know. I'll send you a list.

  13. Sarcasm Goddess,
    I couldn't believe all the bacon loving rumors I've been hearing around the blogs and decided to come over and join the fun! Very cute quiz. I'm a newbie so here goes....

    1)b oh the horror
    3)a from the pigs butt to mine!
    4)c a must
    5)b that would be just to funny
    10)hey I'm new here but i'm gonna guess b

  14. Blah blah questions answers letters blah blah BACON IS AWESOME AND WILL CURE CANCER.

  15. 1. C. The pig who became the bacon bits was at one time a vegetarian after he saw "Super-Size Me."

    2. C. Bacon is 100% awesome. Anything that's awesome is good for you, regardless of whether or not it contains vitamins or antioxidants.

    3. D. Bacon comes from the soul of the pig. That pig grew up wanting to give you the most delicious piece of bacon, and damn it, it did.

    4. D. All of the above. Bacon is never NOT tasty. T to the A to the STY.

    5. C. This is both true and false because, with Kevin Bacon, anything is possible. Anything.

    6. D. People who don't like bacon are non-existent. If someone says they don't like bacon, they're lying. End of story.

    7. A. The more bacon you eat, the smarter you get. There have been numerous studies done on this. At Harvard.

    8. C. This is a no-brainer. I bet you have bacon stashed all through the house so it's readily at your disposal.

    9. B. There's no such thing as "more awesome." Bacon or not bacon, it can't be done.

    10. The romantic in me says A. If any of the other answers are true, I don't want to know. Please don't ruin this beautiful romantic fairy tale I have in my head. If you do, I will lose all hope that love truly exists in the world.

  16. 1. a
    2. b
    3. b
    4. c
    5. b
    6. c
    7. a -I so want this to be true!
    8. c
    9. trick question.
    10. b -Twitter causes many anxieties


I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.