Friday, August 12, 2011

The One in Which People Will be Lining Up to Marry Me

A little while ago, one of my bloggy BFFs Elise at Things That Are Not Bagels wrote a fantastic Letter-to-My-Future Husband, Who is Late post. Not only was it a great idea for a post, it was such a fantabulous letter that you will want to marry her instantly. And that doesn't just apply to the men. All you females will be running out to get a sex change right away so you can begin your beautiful life together as man and wife.

Sex change? Really? She can't be that much of a catch.

Oh I assure you, she is. You should go read her post and then come back here to read my version of the Letter-to-Future Husband. Or read mine first and then read hers. Either way, read them both. Got it?

Good.

Now most of you know that I have a husband, affectionately referred to as the husband. So the letter I'm going to write is to him as if he wasn't the husband yet, not to some future husband after the husband, cuz I only plan on having one husband, as long as the husband doesn't one day wake up and decide he is sick of my shenanigans and kick me and my 42,000 pairs of shoes to the curb. Or leave me for a lamp.

Here we go.

Dear The Future Husband,

Hi, how are you.  Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?

Actually, it's a little hot for -

You know, what?  I'm going to skip the small talk and get straight to the awesomeness that is me, your future wife.

If you like money, don't marry me because I will spend all your hard earned dough on shoes. And dresses. Dresses I only plan on wearing once. Because there will be pictures! And I can't wear the same dress to more than one picture taking occasion. This is called being practical, a trait you will come to love most about me. Like when we plan on taking a small three day trip and I decide I can't fit all my clothes - and shoes! - in a simple carry-on. You will so enjoy watching me sit on my suitcase-big-enough-to-fit-four-small-children-and-a-litter-of-puppies as I try to close it. Just as you will be positively delighted when I can't fit everything inside and start cramming stuff into your carry-on until it weighs as much as a baby rhinoceros.

I'm sorry, did I say my practicality is what you will love most? I meant my directional skills. And I don't mean my driving directional skills. Oh heavens no! Whatever you do, DO NOT take my advice when it comes to driving to a never-before-been-there destination. No matter what direction we are actually headed, I will always think we're going north. Except for those three times throughout the history of our entire marriage when I will actually know the right way, and you will not. Of course you will not listen to me, not because experience has taught you otherwise, but because you are A MAN. We will drive twenty minutes in the wrong direction, and I will sit like a dutiful wife with my mouth closed. I will not try to convince you that you are going the wrong way; I will just wait until you realize it. At which point I will not go, "HA HA! You were wrong! I was right!" and do the happiest little dance my seat belt and the small confined space will allow. And I will totally not get out my notebook to preserve this historic incident in perpetuity.

As I was saying, you won't so much love my directional skills as they pertain to north, east, south and west, but you WILL love the way in which I take charge in every situation and direct the shit out it. "Don't cut the lemon that way, cut it like this. Did you heat up your bread? Why did you put so much mayonnaise on it? Wipe some off. Rinse the fruit before you serve it and arrange it on the plate in ROY G BIV order. Did you wash your hands?"

Some will call this micro-managing. I call it being helpful.

You're welcome.

What's that you say? You're not a good dancer? Don't worry, I will teach you. Not by taking you to ballroom dancing classes, but by making you nimble and quick on your feet in the comfort and privacy of very own home that I will never clean. You see, all those shoes that I will be buying? Well 99% of them have heels. Very high, very pointy, very spiky heals. And I will leave them all over our bedroom floor, heal tip up.  You will very quickly learn the art of walking softly, hopping deftly, and turning on a dime. Or maybe you won't, because there are too many "landmines" as you will say, to avoid, and your feet will soon develop empathy for pin cushions.

As if all this wasn't amazing enough, you will spend the majority of our marital days laughing your adorable little head off. Because I am the funniest person I know. Seriously. I. Am. Hilarious. And not just slapstick, silly funny. But smart funny. And witty. And quick on my feet when it comes to comebacks and one liners. In fact, just the other night I was watching tv and a little boy asked his father how long it takes to get to heaven.

I said, "Your whole life."

If you had been there I would have been all, "did you catch that?! i said it takes your whole life to get to heaven. good one, huh?"

And you would have said, "where did you hear that?"

And I would have said, "nowhere! i just came up with it. right now!"

And you would have been, "wow."

I could go on and on about all the reasons you will love being married to me, but I feel I should keep some things a surprise.

Speaking of surprises, I don't know about you but I plan on being married a long time. Long as in, THE REST OF OUR LIVES. Did that sound threatening? I didn't mean it to. I meant it to be a promise, one that makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over. Like a cute little kitten you snuggle and nuzzle under your chin.

What? You're allergic to cats?

Hmmm... how about a grizzly bear then.

No? Well I'm sure we'll figure something out.

What was I talking about?

Oh yes, surprises. When you're married as long as I plan on us being so, it's important to keep things new.  Fresh.  Exciting.  If not, it's likely around year fifteen we'll be "accidentally" pushing each other down stairs and poisoning each other's food.

Luckily for the both of us, I am an expert at keeping things exciting. In fact, you'll never quite know what you're going to get with me. One minute I'm happy, skipping along singing a song, the next minute I'm like a possessed velociraptor spewing venom, and the very next second I'm crying and asking you to hold me.

Oh Em Geeeeee! I'm getting excited just thinking about all the fun we're going to have playing Guess Which Emotion She'll Have Next!

I bet you are too.

*Happy sigh*  We really are going to have the the best time together.

I am greatly anticipating the day we "accidentally" bump into each other at a party in college and I drug you and throw you in the back of my trunk and force you to marry me four years later.

Until then, I'll let you get back to eating Wheat Thins and watching tv with your roommate, and I'll get back to stalking you hanging out with my friends.

Forever and always yours, no matter how much you try to break free

Your Crazy-Ass Future Wife,
Me

18 comments:

  1. How could any man not want to marry you after that awesome write-up?

    And thank you so much for introducing me to Elise's blog :)

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  2. Oh my Lord, SG! This.Is.Amazing. I have a new found respect for your husband. *ahem* I mean I'm jealous that he gets to be married to you, of course!

    Except, I'm still mad at him for never showing up with my bagels. So never mind.

    Thanks for whoring out my blog. You're the best whorer I've ever met. Wait, did I just call you a whore? Sorry about that...

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  3. I'm sad you said NOTHING about your mad bacon cooking skills. Don't let it happen again.

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  4. How could any man resist this? You should have them lining up any minute now!

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  5. Now I'm going to have stillettos positioned as landmines in my head for the rest of the night. Considering friends & fam already think most of my dreams are totally whack, tonight should be interesting!! :>

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  6. Love letters, you left out your talent for writing love letters. And the free time you give him in the evenings to do what he likes because you'll be obsessed with Twitter.

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  7. I think you left out bacon. Or flying tampon birds. Either way, great letter. He'd be a fool NOT to want to marry your crazy self!

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  8. Hilarious!

    I would love to read a "Letter-to-my-future-wife" kind of response from those so-lucky husbands. Oh God, now I do wish there is a follow up from them LMAO.

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  9. If I were to write a letter like that it would be addressed Dear Ex-Husband #3,... (there maybe a future blog in there somewhere, lol)

    Anyway, I love this. Any man lucky enough to deal with all of that wonderfulness deserves to be happily married to you.

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  10. what a sales pitch...if I wasn;t taken...wow

    sarcasm

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  11. I think my husband should have written a letter like this to ME! I'm the perfect wife, you know. Mostly.

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  12. Wow. So, I have jet lag and it's 2:00am and it's my first day back at work tomorrow - in 5 hours. What better thing to do than get caught up in the world of Sarcasm Goddess? I think we might be soulmates. Mad love sista, awesome post.

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  13. Holy hell. I like your style. And your "sense of direction".

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  14. You know what won me over? Velicoraptors. You had me at "velociraptor."

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  15. GREAT letter to the now and forever husband! Oh, and I did like your answer to how long it takes to get to heaven. My daughter asked me why we have to die and I couldn't seem to come up with anything snappy, but her big sister saved me when she said, "We have to make room for the next batch."

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  16. I'm so glad someone didn't force me to write a disclaimer letter like this to my future husband when I met him - he would have run screaming out of the room. And then I would have had to chase him and bribe him to marry me. Instead, I only terrified him into marrying me. Yaaaayyyyyy.

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  17. Well, I for one happen to find nothing whatsoever wrong with micro managing. Some people need a little direction. And who better to give it than me (you). I hope your (future) husband knows how lucky...

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  18. I plan on sneak-attacking my future husband with many of the same things you posted here. Once he promises to love me, he has to love all of me.
    Right?
    Riiiiiiight?!?
    *crazy eyes*

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.