Sex change? Really? She can't be that much of a catch.
Oh I assure you, she is. You should go read her post and then come back here to read my version of the Letter-to-Future Husband. Or read mine first and then read hers. Either way, read them both. Got it?
Now most of you know that I have a husband, affectionately referred to as the husband. So the letter I'm going to write is to him as if he wasn't the husband yet, not to some future husband after the husband, cuz I only plan on having one husband, as long as the husband doesn't one day wake up and decide he is sick of my shenanigans and kick me and my 42,000 pairs of shoes to the curb. Or leave me for a lamp.
Here we go.
Dear The Future Husband,
Hi, how are you. Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?
Actually, it's a little hot for -
You know, what? I'm going to skip the small talk and get straight to the awesomeness that is me, your future wife.
If you like money, don't marry me because I will spend all your hard earned dough on shoes. And dresses. Dresses I only plan on wearing once. Because there will be pictures! And I can't wear the same dress to more than one picture taking occasion. This is called being practical, a trait you will come to love most about me. Like when we plan on taking a small three day trip and I decide I can't fit all my clothes - and shoes! - in a simple carry-on. You will so enjoy watching me sit on my suitcase-big-enough-to-fit-four-small-children-and-a-litter-of-puppies as I try to close it. Just as you will be positively delighted when I can't fit everything inside and start cramming stuff into your carry-on until it weighs as much as a baby rhinoceros.
I'm sorry, did I say my practicality is what you will love most? I meant my directional skills. And I don't mean my driving directional skills. Oh heavens no! Whatever you do, DO NOT take my advice when it comes to driving to a never-before-been-there destination. No matter what direction we are actually headed, I will always think we're going north. Except for those three times throughout the history of our entire marriage when I will actually know the right way, and you will not. Of course you will not listen to me, not because experience has taught you otherwise, but because you are A MAN. We will drive twenty minutes in the wrong direction, and I will sit like a dutiful wife with my mouth closed. I will not try to convince you that you are going the wrong way; I will just wait until you realize it. At which point I will not go, "HA HA! You were wrong! I was right!" and do the happiest little dance my seat belt and the small confined space will allow. And I will totally not get out my notebook to preserve this historic incident in perpetuity.
As I was saying, you won't so much love my directional skills as they pertain to north, east, south and west, but you WILL love the way in which I take charge in every situation and direct the shit out it. "Don't cut the lemon that way, cut it like this. Did you heat up your bread? Why did you put so much mayonnaise on it? Wipe some off. Rinse the fruit before you serve it and arrange it on the plate in ROY G BIV order. Did you wash your hands?"
Some will call this micro-managing. I call it being helpful.
What's that you say? You're not a good dancer? Don't worry, I will teach you. Not by taking you to ballroom dancing classes, but by making you nimble and quick on your feet in the comfort and privacy of very own home that I will never clean. You see, all those shoes that I will be buying? Well 99% of them have heels. Very high, very pointy, very spiky heals. And I will leave them all over our bedroom floor, heal tip up. You will very quickly learn the art of walking softly, hopping deftly, and turning on a dime. Or maybe you won't, because there are too many "landmines" as you will say, to avoid, and your feet will soon develop empathy for pin cushions.
As if all this wasn't amazing enough, you will spend the majority of our marital days laughing your adorable little head off. Because I am the funniest person I know. Seriously. I. Am. Hilarious. And not just slapstick, silly funny. But smart funny. And witty. And quick on my feet when it comes to comebacks and one liners. In fact, just the other night I was watching tv and a little boy asked his father how long it takes to get to heaven.
I said, "Your whole life."
If you had been there I would have been all, "did you catch that?! i said it takes your whole life to get to heaven. good one, huh?"
And you would have said, "where did you hear that?"
And I would have said, "nowhere! i just came up with it. right now!"
And you would have been, "wow."
I could go on and on about all the reasons you will love being married to me, but I feel I should keep some things a surprise.
Speaking of surprises, I don't know about you but I plan on being married a long time. Long as in, THE REST OF OUR LIVES. Did that sound threatening? I didn't mean it to. I meant it to be a promise, one that makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over. Like a cute little kitten you snuggle and nuzzle under your chin.
What? You're allergic to cats?
Hmmm... how about a grizzly bear then.
No? Well I'm sure we'll figure something out.
What was I talking about?
Oh yes, surprises. When you're married as long as I plan on us being so, it's important to keep things new. Fresh. Exciting. If not, it's likely around year fifteen we'll be "accidentally" pushing each other down stairs and poisoning each other's food.
Luckily for the both of us, I am an expert at keeping things exciting. In fact, you'll never quite know what you're going to get with me. One minute I'm happy, skipping along singing a song, the next minute I'm like a possessed velociraptor spewing venom, and the very next second I'm crying and asking you to hold me.
Oh Em Geeeeee! I'm getting excited just thinking about all the fun we're going to have playing Guess Which Emotion She'll Have Next!
I bet you are too.
*Happy sigh* We really are going to have the the best time together.
I am greatly anticipating the day we "accidentally" bump into each other at a party in college
Until then, I'll let you get back to eating Wheat Thins and watching tv with your roommate, and I'll get back to
Forever and always yours,