Monday, August 1, 2011

The One in Which I Save You From Making the Worst Decision In the History of Worst Decisions. Becuase I Am Your Friend and That's What Friends Do.

Well hello there! Have you guys missed me? I’m sure you have. It’s been days since I’ve posted. I have good reason though. I’ve been working undercover gaining valuable information for you, my dear readers. Information that will SAVE YOUR LIFE. Or at least prevent you from making the worst decision ever, the result of which will make your life suck really bad.

And by working undercover, I mean I’ve been watching lots and lots of episodes of Locked Up Abroad.

You guys! Did you know that if a total stranger comes up to you in a coffee shop and asks you to transport something from Peru or Brazil or other countries similar to Peru and Brazil that I would list here but I’m really bad with geography and maps and stuff – that Miss South Carolina girl was so right, most kids in our country and the Iraq and the like such as do not have maps – to your home country DON’T DO IT. It will not end well.

I know it’s going to sound totally legit, but I can assure you that whatever is in those suitcases is not beanie babies or cute puppies or pictures of Marilyn Monroe. It is drugs.


I know. I was shocked too. But trust me, it’s drugs. Every time, it will be drugs.

But what if the total stranger that approaches you in a coffee shop says he wants you to transport gold and he’ll pay you $15,000 to do it?

Excellent question. I can totally see how this would seem like a really really good idea to someone who has not watched 42 bajillion episodes of Locked Up Abroad. But let’s break it down and see where things begin to take a turn for if-you-do-this-you-are-totally-going-to-spend-the-rest-of-your-life-in-a-foreign-rat-infested-prison-which-will-be-the-least-of-your-worries-cuz-of-the-shanking-and-raping-and-in-general-murder-that-will-take-place-there.

Go grab and a pen and paper; you’re going to want to take notes. Ready? Let’s go.

You are down on your luck. You’ve lost your job and have been job hunting for weeks and weeks. You’ve sold almost all of your possessions and live in a nearly empty apartment. You are surviving on your last few dollars and decide to go down to the local coffee shop patronized by lots of people in suits and ties. You approach each one of them begging for a job, claiming you are willing to do anything. ANYTHING. You vaguely resemble a crazy homeless person and are completely shocked, and of course, devastated that none of them hire you on the spot.

You order a coffee – really? really? you have like, fifteen dollars to your name and you’re buying coffee? – sit by the window and wonder what am I going to do?

There is one man who watches you. Carefully. He studies you. He is attracted to you. Or rather, your smell. You see, you reek of desperation. And that just happens to be his favorite cologne.

He approaches you, says he has a job for you if you’d be willing to travel.

Travel? Who doesn’t love travel.

“Heck ya,” you say. “Sign me up.”

He proceeds to tell you that you will go to Peru, pick up two suitcases of gold, bring them back and receive $15,000!

THERE! THERE IT IS! The part that should make alarm bells go off in your head, ones that scream if-you-do-this-you-are-totally-going-to-spend-the-rest-of-your-life-in-a-foreign-rat-infested-prison-which-will-be-the-least-of-your-worries-cuz-of-the-shanking-and-raping-and-in-general-murder-that-will-take-place-there!

But it sounds totally harmless. It’s gold. And HE’S GOING TO GIVE ME $15,000!!

Mmm hmm, yeah. Let’s think about that. The average job you apply for requires you to submit a cover letter, resume, identification, fifteen references, background checks, fingerprints, six rounds of interviews and a urine test. And that’s just to sit in a booth, hand out tickets, and collect tolls on the turnpike. Yet this guy is going to trust you with gold without even asking for a resume – honestly, you walked into the coffee shop wild-eyed and scraggly haired, how does even know your qualified to transport gold – or checking to see if you have a criminal history of, I don’t know, stealing gold. Call me crazy, but if I were going to have someone transport gold for me across several countries and two continents, these are the things I’d like to know first.

Unfortunately none of this occurs to you. You do have a small feeling that something isn't quite right, but you quickly push it aside. Because honestly, what could possibly go wrong?

You have no problems getting to Peru. You tour the city. Life is good. BEST JOB EVAH!

The day comes when the suitcases of gold are supposed to be delivered to you. But you get a call that "it's not ready yet." Days go by and it's still not ready and you start to get a nagging feeling that something is just not right. That feeling just happens to be the if-you-do-this-you-are-totally-going-to-spend-the-rest-of-your-life-in-a-foreign-rat-infested-prison-which-will-be-the-least-of-your-worries-cuz-of-the-shanking-and-raping-and-in-general-murder-that-will-take-place-there; however at this point there is no turning back. To put it in plain old fashioned English, You Are F*cked. If you go through with the transaction, you will get caught and end up in Peruvian prison. If you back out you have one of two options: your family dies, or the drug lords cut out your organs and sell them on the black market.

I don't mean to be a pessimist or anything, but those sound like terrible options.

You, however, have not yet realized this and when the teenage boy delivers suitcases -empty suitcases - to your hotel, you're all, "where's the gold?" and the teenager tells you it's sewn into the lining of the suitcase so no one tries to rob you on the way to the airport, you think this totally makes sense...and I'm starting to think you're an idiot. Up until this point, I was on your side. I could totally see how this whole thing seemed like a legitimate business deal, and you were just a poor victim. Now I think you might just be plain stupid.

I'll quickly run through what happens next: You get through customs and security and arrive with the "gold" and hand it off to the guy from the coffee shop. Shockingly, he does not have your $15,000 and you are justifiably pissed. He tells you if you do just one more job for him, you will get your money. You really don't want to, but what choice do you have? You are broke. So you do it. Only this time, it's a setup. You are totally shocked when you find out there's actually cocaine - really? you're shocked? really? - sewn into the lining of the suitcases.

Guess what happens now?

That's right! You get to go directly to jail. You do not get to pass Go and you definitely do not get to collect $200.

Now ladies, I know what you're thinking. The "you" in this scenario has to be a man, because a woman would never fall for this. You are totally correct. Not because men are dumb or anything. Goodness no! It's really not their fault that, being male, they lack a woman's intuition. That voice inside you that says, don't do it, stupid.

But ladies, take this warning to heart. I implore you. A woman's intuition is no match for shoes. That's right. I said shoes.

You see, those drug lords are smart. They know that the trafficking technique that works on men will never work on women.

One day you may find yourself working in a bar, approached by a handsome stranger with all the right moves and a scent that makes you dizzy. He'll say, "Let's go on vacation together! To a small island with a beautiful beach."

You've only known him a week but of course you say yes, because hello. Beach. And also? Have you seen those abs?

But at the last minutes he backs out. Says he can't go, but he still really wants you to go. You deserve it. You've been working so hard. Oh, and here are some shoes I bought you to wear on the plane!

Time. Out.

A guy buying you shoes? Ladies. When does this ever happen in real life? As if that’s not enough to tip you off that this is a Very Bad Idea, he tells you you have to give them to some other guy when you land.

The hell?

What a jerk. Seriously, you should dump his ass right there. And whatever you do, do not get on that plane wearing those shoes!

Sadly you do not listen to me, cuz even though they are the ugliest shoes in the history of ever, OMGTHEYARESHOES! And the beach! And those abs will be waiting for you when you get back!

Except no.

You're ass is going to directly to jail, cuz inside those shoes is heroin.

There are many more examples I could give you, but I think, I hope, you all get the point. If something sounds to good to be true, it most definitely is.

So, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you're thinking I wonder if these cute stuffed penguins that this total stranger wants me transport across several countries and two continents are actually filled with heroin, call me. Seriously. CALL. ME. And I'll come over and throat-punch the stupid right out of you.

After all, what are friends for?

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  1. Okay, I must watch this show. I could use a break from reality.

  2. LOL I thought you were going to save us from Google+.

    It's amazing what people do out of pure greed, isn't it? They know it's wrong. Just like the dog who knows he's going to get a whack across the nose with a newspaper, a deafening shout of "bad dog!" and banishment to the crate, and yet....there's a steak on the's just lying one is looking....maybe they won't notice....

  3. OMG. I am so glad you posted this. You see, I was leaving on Friday to spend a week in Peru with my new Latin lover, and he said I needed some new shoes to take with me. Whew! Crisis averted. I owe you my life. Or maybe I'll just give the shoes to you??

  4. No, seriously??? LOL. Like telling the skimpilly dressed blong in a horror movie "don't open that door!"

    I really needed this Hon, thanks :)


  5. Well frick. I guess I can go ahead and unpack my suitcases... Killjoy.

  6. Sometimes you just have to pay the Stupid Tax.

  7. Uuggh...
    Bridget Jones 2 was just on and I was like, what the heck are you doing, ya dumb drug mule?! lol

  8. I love watching the Locked Up Abroad shows because these people are so stupid. Of course it's drugs they want you to smuggle.

  9. Love that you figured this out and were able to warn us from the evils of drug lords and easy money. So...let me get this you mean when that guy in El Salvador offered to perform a free colonoscopy he wanted me to carry drugs in my caboose? I thought it was just a good healthcare plan. I'll be damned.

  10. Locked Up Abroad is one of my favorite shows.. the people are just so dumb!

    Have you watched Brokedown Palace..??

  11. Thanks for the warning. I never trust such offers unless I want a noose around my neck.

  12. I wonder if these people are thinking, "Do it for the story, man!" I honestly can't imagine what other scenario would compel them to be so stupid.
    Thank you for the public service announcement. Much appreciated.


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