Saturday, August 6, 2011

I Has Smartness

Those of you who know me, and by know me I mean read my blog, are my bloggy BFFs or my twat, and oh yeah, know me in real life -

What's real life?

It's that thing that happens outside of twitter and your blog. 

Never heard of it, but it sounds terrifying.

Oh it is.  That's why I try to spend as little time as possible there, except when I'm hanging out with my real life BFFs.

Did you notice how that first sentence isn't even a sentence?  It's an incomplete thought.  I know this because I has smartness.

But apparently some people think I don't.

If I had finished that first sentence it would have said: Those of you who know me know that I am a highly intelligent articulate person.

We all agree with this, yes?

Yes!

Well you know who doesn't agree?  A one @jeffblakely22.

Now please believe me when I say I don't want to feud with anyone on the interwebs.  I'm a can't-we-all-just-get-along-and-eat-bacon-kinda girl.  But when I am so viciously attacked, I must respond!

Viciously attacked might be slightly overstating the incident.  But you know what they say about assumptions.  They make you an asshole.

The whole thing went down on twitter because of course it did.  Now while I do has smartness, I also have tech-tardedness so instead of inserting the conversation from twitter, I will have to retype the entire thing verbatim.

You're welcome.

Ready?  Here we go.

@sarcasmgoddess: Work sucks balls.  I am so over it.

Hours later...

@jeffblakely22: Been there.  Best escape route is a degree, no question.  Here's some info on programs/financing

Excuse me!  EXCUSE ME!  This person does not even follow me, has never spoken to me and assumes I do not have a degree!  The nerve.

Allow me to be clear, I do not think you have to have a college degree to has smartness.  I don't think you even has to has a high school degree to has smartness.  But to just assume I don't have a degree?  That's what makes me want to unleash the fury of tampon bird on his ass.  But instead I responded like the mature adult I am.

@sarcasmgoddess: I agree!  Thing is, I have a degree.  In vagina.  Do you think that's where I went wrong?

@sarcasmgoddess: I also minored in bacon and specialized in sausage. On the surface it seems the 3 are unrelated but you'd be surprised...

@sarcasmgoddess: ... At the similarities.

@sarcasmgoddess: and as I just told @SarcasminAction I am considered an expert in the field of uterus explosions.

@sarcasmgoddess: if you don't believe me about the uterus explosion thing, just ask those poor sweet women at pottery barn.

@sarcasgoddess: the incident happened over a year ago and they're still dealing with the aftermath.

@sarcasgoddess: I am also the single authority on tampon bird. Every one of my followers will agree with me.

I was going to keep going but I was afraid he was going to send the twitter police after me for harassment.

But, do you notice how he doesn't even respond?  So rude.  We're having a conversation @jeffblakely22.

I decided to do a little research on Mr. @jeffblakely22.  He follows 28 "people" some of which are:
Education Week
USA Today College
Inside Higher Ed
US News Education
Women in Higher Ed
New York Times College
The White House

I checked out every one of these websites and not one of them mentions vagina anywhere.  Not even The White House.  No wonder this country is in the midst of a debt crisis.  Don't they know vagina is the answer to everything?  And bacon.

If those are the sites he follows, I suppose I can't blame Mr. @jeffblakely22 for not appreciating the value of a degree in vagina.  I don't even think he knows what one is.  So...

I have decided to make it my personal mission to help him understand.  I mean, honestly, if we want to grow as human beings, improve as a nation, unite as a global society, we must all understand and appreciate the value of vagina.  And bacon.  And sausage.

I invite you all to join me in this effort.  Together, we will make a difference.

Linking up with lovelinks again! Have you linked up? Well, why not? Did you know you can vote for me to win lovelink? Well you can! I don't know what I win, exactly. Maybe endless supplies of bacon. Or maybe just the right to say HA! In your face! I won! But, I would never do that. #yesiwould.


Liked what you read?  Of course you did!  Then hit the little follow button.  It would make me so happy to see your face there.  Don't want to wait hours upon hours for my next post?  Follow me on twitter @sarcasmgoddess and get minute by minute vagina action.  I also talk about bacon a lot.  And sausage.  It's exactly as awesome as it sounds.

27 comments:

  1. I CAN NOT WAIT to get another spam tweet! OMG. I'm going to sit right here and pray until I get one. Bombarding Twitter spammers is the new black!

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  2. Just tell us what you need oh great leader!! Spammers beware!!
    Jenn

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  3. This should be blog post of the century. LOL

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  4. Spamming the spammers? That's an awesome idea! I can't wait for the next moron who tries to spam me!

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  5. So great, as usual.

    And I just nominated you for a Liebster. :)

    http://jenniedavenport.blogspot.com/2011/08/liebster.html

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  6. Yeah, spam the spamer! You r the second one in my circle to do this n I dig it.

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  7. Hello SG -

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading you here and I agree... you're no dummy-foo! Well done; fabulously written & articulated. Happy Sunday to you ^5!

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  8. Well if it didn't say vagina, did it at least use the word twat?

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  9. Sory that Ahole thinks your lacking sum smartnes. Hes a dick pickle. U shood tell him to eff off.

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  10. Good. For. You. And I think you're on to something with this vagina is the solution to our debt problems. I'd vote for you.

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  11. I'm glad you're standing for all those out there with vagina smartness and other such not officially recognized smartness!

    oh.. and I want a bacon MAJOR!

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  12. I love reading your posts and your commenters responses and I do believe dick pickle is my new favorite word combo.

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  13. I minored in bacon too!!!
    I knew we had a lot in common when I ran across your blog.
    Amazing.

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  14. Best part... But you know what they say about assumptions. They make you an asshole.

    Giggling out loud for that one... and will probably use it my future!

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  15. I'm curious as to which programs he'd thought you find interesting . . .douchebag. (Not you, him.)

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  16. Clearly he is lacking in vagina AND bacon AND sausage. Dear god.

    There must be a program or something to get him help.

    Have Massengill or Bob Evans been contacted?

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  17. Well, the "dick pickle" (still laughing at that one) has been eliminated. His twitter no longer exists.

    Aw, so sad.

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  18. Haha! You're hilarious. I like it that you have a degree in vagina, bacon and sausage!

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  19. you're getting all the fun ignorant spammers :p

    lucky girl.

    visiting from lovelinks

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  20. AHHAHAHA ! LOL!
    visiting from lovelinks!!

    So glad I found you!

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  21. You are brilliant. And I also think you are trying to get klout to identify you as an expert in not just bacon but also vaginas. I believe you might be.

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  22. Fabulous! Can you help me spam the porn people too?

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  23. Hilarious post and tweets. I only know my vagina bc I gave up girls when I gave up drinking and I can't really remember those beauties, obviously. <3

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  24. I'm all about downing the spammers...yes let's start a revolution!

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  25. Was so excited to see I'm up to almost a 1,000 followers checked out the 1st one twatspam...the last 10.... 5 are more spammers. I'm feeling like the Queen of Spam right now.
    And for a second I was feeling loved.

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.