Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The Husband's "Other Woman"

Most people think the husband is incredibly normal.  But honestly, compared to me, who isn't?

The question the husband gets most often is, "you're married to her?  have you met her?"

Some of you are probably saying, "I have a general distrust of people who are normal."  And you should.  Happy-go-lucky-I'm-not-paranoid-and-don't-think-people-are-out-to-get-me people are actually not people at all.  They're robots -alien robots - sent to earth to steal our bacon.

Fortunately the husband is not one of those robots.  I know this because of that one Very Bizarre habit he has.  A habit that wasn't always bizarre - funny yes, sometimes a little scary, but mostly funny - until That One Night.

You see the husband, he talks in his sleep.  Not incoherent mumblings, but full blown, eyes awake, looking at you, nodding back and forth, sitting up, arguing with you, talking in your sleep.

The first I'd heard of this was in college when the husband's roommate entered the dorm, the husband sat up and said, "they're on the ceiling," and laid back down and went to sleep.  The roommate left the room and slept in the hall, or a ditch, or maybe a crackhouse, all of which would have been safer than being in the same room with the husband.

The longer the husband and I are married the more...interesting the "conversations" get.

The husband usually falls asleep before me because I am a vampire and sleeping at night is against my religion.  One night I was watching TV in bed and something totally hilarious happened and I lol'd.  Literally.  L. O. L.ing.  Loudly.  The husband "woke up" and was all, "huh what's going on? what happened?"

Me: Sorry, something funny on TV.

The husband: TV?  Huh what?

Me: Yeah, the TV.  Sorry I woke you.

The husband: Why are laughing?

Now some of you may say, "he's not sleep talking. he's awake.  your laughing woke him up."

I would agree with you.  Except for his eyes.  When the husband talks in his sleep, his eyes are totally creepy.  Vacant.  Glassy.  Like he's not really there.

That was exactly how his eyes looked when we were talking, so I knew he was asleep and therefore real conversation was futile.

Me: I'm laughing at the TV.
(although now I'm kinda just laughing at him, because even though he has creepy eyes, the whole thing is fantastically funny)

The husband: Humph.

He rolls over in a huff, turning his back to me, yanking the covers with him.  He.  Is.  Pissed.  Which is freaking hysterical, cuz the husband never gets pissed.  Like ever.  So to see him pissed in his sleep?  Well, what else is there to do but laugh?

Me: What's wrong?  Why are you mad?

The husband: I'm just trying to get a straight answer.

Bahahahahahaha!  A straight answer like, the TV made me laugh?

Next time I'll try not to be so confusing, honey.

The husband had no recollection of this the next day.  He never remembers these late night conversations.

I usually try to talk to him for as long as possible to see what kind of weird stuff I can get him to say, trying my best not to laugh.  Cuz soon as I do, he starts to realize what's happening.  He knows he's saying stupid crazy shit, but can't really wake himself up and stop.  This, of course, makes him pissed.  And is the highlight of my night.

Until That Night happened.

We were staying with our friends J and P.  We went to bed really late.  We were completely exhausted, up almost 24 hours for a full day of tailgating and watching the Gators obliterate whatever team it was we played that day.

I was awoken a little while later by a strange sound.  I rolled over and saw the husband waving the bedside lamp above his head like a cowboy does a lasso.

The hell?

Suddenly he stopped swinging the lamp.

And slowly...



brought the lamp to his lips for the most gentle kiss I have ever seen.

Me: What are you doing?

The husband: Creating a Hollywood moment.

What.  The f*ck.

Okay, sure honey. Whatever you say.

I rolled over and went back to sleep, leaving the husband to his beloved lamp.

The next morning we woke up and the lamp was laying on its side, the shade on the floor, and shockingly, didn't work any more.

The husband: What happened to the lamp?

You know what eight words I never thought I'd say to the husband in the entire history of our marriage? 

"You made out with the lamp last night."

And people say I'm the weird one.


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  1. Oooh, that is awesome.
    You should get him one of those kitschy lamps with the pinup woman as the base and the tassel lampshade. HAWT.

  2. It's no wonder he's forced to make out with lamps when you refuse to give him a straight answer. Did you ever think of that?

  3. Oh my HELL!!!! SO funny! Man, I wish my hubs talked in his sleep. Then I'd have funnier things to blog about.

  4. lmfao.. greatness!

    you should totally video tape these late night happenings... it totally worked in Paranormal Activity.

  5. Oh, Christ. You are something. He must have Hollwooded the hell out of that thing if it didn't even work the next morning. Also, I love that you just rolled over while he tongued the furniture.

    I'm supposed to be writing my Masters paper, but then I saw you posted something, and here I am. Fuck.

  6. Poor lamp.

    A Hollywood moment - SNORT!

    (I roomed with a former co-worker once in Bangkok for a work event, and she freaked.me.out when she started talking in her sleep, I was like WTF!)

  7. oh my, how delightful!!!!! You need to seriously find that hot legs lamp from 'A Christmas Story'.

    My husband does the same thing. I think he has dreams about being a secret agent or something because he'll start screaming, "HELP ME!" or "THEY'RE AFTER ME!" or "HIDE!!!" while shaking the shit out of the bed.
    I should tell him about the bacon stealing robots. That will freak him the fuck out.
    Never mind the time he was trying to throw the dog out a closed window because he thought the house was on fire.

  9. hahahahahahahahahaha

    Though maybe I shouldn't laugh. On rare occasion, I have been known to not only talk, but walk in my sleep. Once I was convinced there was a great urgency to go get the clean pillowcases out of the garage, though I did wake up and actually remember it.

    I mean, really, how can you get a good night's sleep without clean pillowcases?

    And I have also made out with an electrical appliance that plugs into an outlet - but my toy doesn't light up. Then again, I guess your DH's doesn't either, anymore. I'm going to be laughing all night about that one. Bless you for sharing.

  10. These are seriously the same type of conversations I have with my husband. It started in college when one night he woke his roommate up when he calmly said in his sleep "My mom? No, your mom, Goddamnit." He's constantly waking me with up crazy shit - one night I found him at the foot of our bed staring at me and asking me what the hell was wrong with me - hah!

    BTW, I now see why you've got Klout for bacon.

  11. LOL oh LOL!!


    I used to do this a lot. Now only every once in awhile.

    One time, I went to bed long before my Mark so I was fully sleeping by the time he did. He opened the bedroom door to come in and I sat bolt upright in the bed and said, "Dad?"

    It's still cracks me up!

  12. TEARS streaming down my face from laughing here!

  13. Oh girl, let me tell you. One night husband freaked me the fuck out because "the micronauts" were crawling on him. Another night, there was a fire. It's so creepy!

  14. No fake wake ups for my man creature. Snores like a freight train. Ah yeah, that's why I often visit the guestroom sofa.

  15. At least he only made out with the lamp.

    [check for light bulb sized condoms]

  16. Hysterical, as always.

    DBF and I had a conversation about him putting out some random fire one night when he was talking in his sleep. It ended in him yelling, "Noooo I don't WANNA!!!"

  17. At least he can't get the lamp pregnant or catch an STD. A plus?

  18. Dear God this is one of funniest things EVAH.

  19. Best. Story. Ever. And I think I still have that lamp somewhere...I'll give it to him for his birthday. Aaaaaand...look at me commenting FROM MY PHONE! I win.

  20. Hahahaha.

    That is great. Both me and my husband talk in our sleep from time to time, but my husband giggles, giggles like a school girl. It always makes me wonder waht he is dreaming about.

  21. Cracking up laughIng right now. Mark should let you tell more stories about him- they are the best!

  22. Oh my God, I seriously can't stop laughing!

  23. I'm confused. I'm a robot-human hybrid sent ot this earth to steal your bacon BUT I'm also anxiety ridden and NOT normal. Be glad you aren;t married to me. Yeah, my poor wife, boo hoo hoo.

    Oh yeah, this is your blog.

    Look, we all have our things. I haven't made out with a lamp since the Panana City Beach incident of 1991. I digress.

    I think you should get a lamp w a base that you can put a picture of yourself on. That way, it's not cheating but the kink is still kitschy.

    You;re hilarious. Do you have any bacon?

  24. I have argued with people in my sleep. Then I get really mad when they don't understand what I'm getting at.

  25. Hilarious! Love it. Can't wait to read more! I'm now a follower :)

  26. Very funny. So sad to think there once was so much emotion and tenderness toward the lamp and the next... discarded like a college coed who projectile vomits in your bed. I am visualizing the lamp having to make the "walk of shame" back to the night stand. Great post!

  27. I think this just means your husband is kind and brilliant and handsome and creative and very important.
    And this has nothing to do with the fact that I do the exact same stuff in my sleep. Not. At. ALL.

  28. Are you sure it wasn't the red dress and the pretty brown leg that got him!

  29. awesomeness. EPIC Awesomeness...

  30. Did you know that you can create short links with AdFly and get cash for every click on your shortened urls.


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