The question the husband gets most often is, "you're married to her? have you met her?"
Some of you are probably saying, "I have a general distrust of people who are normal." And you should. Happy-go-lucky-I'm-not-paranoid-and-don't-think-people-are-out-to-get-me people are actually not people at all. They're robots -alien robots - sent to earth to steal our bacon.
Fortunately the husband is not one of those robots. I know this because of that one Very Bizarre habit he has. A habit that wasn't always bizarre - funny yes, sometimes a little scary, but mostly funny - until That One Night.
You see the husband, he talks in his sleep. Not incoherent mumblings, but full blown, eyes awake, looking at you, nodding back and forth, sitting up, arguing with you, talking in your sleep.
The first I'd heard of this was in college when the husband's roommate entered the dorm, the husband sat up and said, "they're on the ceiling," and laid back down and went to sleep. The roommate left the room and slept in the hall, or a ditch, or maybe a crackhouse, all of which would have been safer than being in the same room with the husband.
The longer the husband and I are married the more...interesting the "conversations" get.
The husband usually falls asleep before me because I am a vampire and sleeping at night is against my religion. One night I was watching TV in bed and something totally hilarious happened and I lol'd. Literally. L. O. L.ing. Loudly. The husband "woke up" and was all, "huh what's going on? what happened?"
Me: Sorry, something funny on TV.
The husband: TV? Huh what?
Me: Yeah, the TV. Sorry I woke you.
The husband: Why are laughing?
Now some of you may say, "he's not sleep talking. he's awake. your laughing woke him up."
I would agree with you. Except for his eyes. When the husband talks in his sleep, his eyes are totally creepy. Vacant. Glassy. Like he's not really there.
That was exactly how his eyes looked when we were talking, so I knew he was asleep and therefore real conversation was futile.
Me: I'm laughing at the TV.
(although now I'm kinda just laughing at him, because even though he has creepy eyes, the whole thing is fantastically funny)
The husband: Humph.
He rolls over in a huff, turning his back to me, yanking the covers with him. He. Is. Pissed. Which is freaking hysterical, cuz the husband never gets pissed. Like ever. So to see him pissed in his sleep? Well, what else is there to do but laugh?
Me: What's wrong? Why are you mad?
The husband: I'm just trying to get a straight answer.
Bahahahahahaha! A straight answer like, the TV made me laugh?
Next time I'll try not to be so confusing, honey.
The husband had no recollection of this the next day. He never remembers these late night conversations.
I usually try to talk to him for as long as possible to see what kind of weird stuff I can get him to say, trying my best not to laugh. Cuz soon as I do, he starts to realize what's happening. He knows he's saying stupid crazy shit, but can't really wake himself up and stop. This, of course, makes him pissed. And is the highlight of my night.
Until That Night happened.
We were staying with our friends J and P. We went to bed really late. We were completely exhausted, up almost 24 hours for a full day of tailgating and watching the Gators obliterate whatever team it was we played that day.
I was awoken a little while later by a strange sound. I rolled over and saw the husband waving the bedside lamp above his head like a cowboy does a lasso.
Suddenly he stopped swinging the lamp.
brought the lamp to his lips for the most gentle kiss I have ever seen.
Me: What are you doing?
The husband: Creating a Hollywood moment.
What. The f*ck.
Okay, sure honey. Whatever you say.
I rolled over and went back to sleep, leaving the husband to his beloved lamp.
The next morning we woke up and the lamp was laying on its side, the shade on the floor, and shockingly, didn't work any more.
The husband: What happened to the lamp?
You know what eight words I never thought I'd say to the husband in the entire history of our marriage?
"You made out with the lamp last night."
And people say I'm the weird one.
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