Saturday, August 27, 2011

Bacon Winners! And? I Tell Someone to Eff Off.

So yeah.  I told you all I'd announce the answers to the bacon quiz and the winners on Friday, and for many of you it's probably Saturday, which means I'm a liar.  But honestly you guys, you should know by now I don't do well with deadlines.

Yes I realize the deadline was created by me, but still.  DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH PRESSURE THAT IS?!

I apologize for the yelling, but it's kinda hard for me to hear myself right now due to this wicked awesome head-cold thing I've got going on.  Also, I think it's entirely possible I'll be giving birth to a hippopotamus later tonight.

Yeah, I'm not sure why either.  It's just this feeling I have, you know?

Anyhoudini, the answers are below and...we have a winner!  It's possible that some of you will contest me on some of the answers and to you I say, "you're probably, right."  I went to two sites to find the trivia for this quiz and did absolutely no fact checking.  It's called good journalism people, or something.  Whatever.  All I know is that you should never doubt your sources. Also?  When necessary, make stuff up.

(Correct answers are in green) (And be sure you keep reading after the quiz cuz I tell someone to EFF OFF!)

1. Bacon bits sold at supermarkets are actually vegetarian.

a. True
b. False

2. Bacon contains some vitamins and antioxidants.
a. True
b. False

3. Bacon usually comes from:
a. the butt of the pig
b. the belly of the pig
c. No animals were harmed in the making of bacon, because denial and all

Technically, b is the correct answer.  However, for those of you living in denial like me, c will also be accepted.

4. Bacon is tastiest when it is:
a. barely cooked
b. slightly rubbery
c. crunchy and crumbly

Some of you had said this is subjective, and to you I say YOU ARE WRONG! 


5. Kevin Bacon's ancestors were pig farmers and traded the first units of bacon on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange
a. True
b. False

I completely made this question up and have absolutely no idea if this is true; however, I'm guessing it's false.

6. People who don't like bacon are:
a. robots
b. aliens
c. robot aliens

I have a feeling this one that many of you will contest, so let's review the choices, shall we.  We know choice a is incorrect, because while robots may in fact like (or dislike) bacon, they are not PEOPLE.  And we all know choice c is incorrect, because robot aliens are sent to steal our bacon, so obviously, they love it.  Therefore, b is the correct answer.

But aliens aren't PEOPLE either.

Yeah...but...er...well.

Crapdammit!

Fine.  I will accept choices b and a as the correct answer.

But choice c includes robots and aliens in the answers, so by defa-

Okay, okay!  Relax.  I will accept all answers.  Honestly, take it down a notch.  It's not like there's some totally awesome prize for the winner.


Oh, wait.  YES THERE IS!

7. A micro nutrient found in pork products like bacon could actually boost the intelligence of an unborn child.
a. True
b. False

This is true according to the website I got it from.  That website may or may not be full of crap.


8. Which country consumes the most pork?
a. United States of America
b. Denmark
c. The United States of Sarcasm Goddess
d. Canada

Some of you asked if this was per capita or something else official and sciencey sounding, and I have no clue.  Honestly, people.  I just gather the information from possibly fallible or uniformed sources and tout them as fact and then either praise you or chastise you for your answer.  Duh.

9. Eating bacon makes you more awesome than The Sarcasm Goddess
a. True
b. False

This one was obvious, but hey, I had to throw in one gimme.

10. Which of the following statements is true?
a. The Sarcasm Goddess has always liked bacon, but her like turned to love when the husband made her breakfast seven years ago and proposed. The breakfast consisted of bacon cooked four different ways including a bacon quiche which contained her engagement ring.

b. The Sarcasm Goddess does like bacon but not nearly as much as everyone thinks she does. An innocent tweet months ago somehow spun out of control and now she has this incredible bacon-loving image she has to live up to, causing her insane amounts of anxiety.

c. The Sarcasm Goddess cooks in bacon in the microwave, not on the stove because when she was very little, another little girl in her grandmother's neighborhood was cooking bacon on the stove, knocked over the frying pan and was burned very badly by the grease. It was so bad the ambulance had to take the little girl to the hospital and The Sarcasm Goddess has been traumatized ever since.

It broke me heart that so many of you thought b was the correct answer.  It's like you don't even KNOW me!  *sob*


Even the husband got this one wrong.  He said, "you don't love bacon that much.  you don't eat it every day." 

"Oh really?" I said.  "I had it for lunch today and I had it for lunch yesterday.  And if we had it in the house, I'd be eating it right now."

Sadly, c is the correct answer.  I don't know what ever happened to that little girl, but I will never forget that day.  It was awful.  And so, I urge you bacon lovers, please be careful when cooking the most delicious of all the delicious foods.

And now for the winner!

We actually have a tie!  Who'da thunk that would have happened?

The winners are Kid Id and Coffee Luvin Mom!  Woo hoo!  Congratulations you crazy bacon whores.

I know you will be more than excited to claim your prize:




That's right!  It's a button!  Feel free to whore that thing all over your blog, make some t-shirts, have it blown up into a banner, make buttons, table cloths, satchels, whatever.  Go crazy.  You earned it.

I was going to make a button for all of you who participated, but you guys.  I.  Am.  So.  Lazy.

Also?  I have to go tell someone to eff off.

So today, as so dubbed by friend Just Jennifer, is Fantasy Eff Off Friday.  The instructions are to write a post about something you need to get off your chest and say "Eff Off" to that you normally can't IRL (in real life).

It will probably come as a shock to many of you that I had a really hard to time thinking of someone I wanted to tell to Eff Off.  Not because I'm a particularly violent stabby person, contrary to what some of my tweets may indicate.  But, well I'm trying out this whole "just go with it, don't worry about stupid asshats, be happy" kinda thing.

Apparently it seems to be working because, although I still encounter people every day too dumb to function, they seem to make me less stabby than normal.

However, I really wanted to support  my friend Just Jennifer on her first meme, so all day long, through my head-cold induced haze, I thought and thought about who I could tell to eff off.  And all day I was drawing a blank.  But then.  I ate lunch.  And my tooth starting hurting.  Again.  For like the twelveteenth day.

And then I knew exactly who to tell to Eff Off.   My Dentist.

I would go to the dentist for said aching tooth, but he's an asshat. And every time, EVERY TIME, I go, it costs $200.  TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.  The first time I went he didn't even clean my teeth.

Technician: Okay, well just have a seat in this office room and the dentist will be with you shortly.

Me: Uh okay.  So um, is he going to be cleaning my teeth in here?

Technician: Oh, no, not today.  It's your first time here.  Dr.  Asshat always says he doesn't treat just the mouth, he treats the whole person.

Me: I'm sorry, what?

Technician: Didn't they tell you on the phone you'll be here for three hours?

Me: I'm sorry, I think I blacked out for a second.  Did you say three hours?

Technician: Mmm hmmm.  That's right.  He wants to get to know you first.  He wants to know where you grew up, your favorite color, all your hopes and dreams, do you have children, do you plan to have children, what's your favorite time of day, your favorite movie...

Me: Listen, I know most girls require a guy to buy them a drink and listen to tales of their childhood before he starts shoving foreign instruments in their mouth, but I'm not one of them.  At least not today.  You tell him to cut the small talk and get in there.  I got shit to do.

I know.  I should have left right then and found a new dentist.  But did I mention how supremely lazy I am?  It took me four years to make this appointment.  If I had to open the phone book again and randomly pick another dentist, I'd be 87 by the time I got my teeth cleaned.  And by then all of my teeth would have fallen out and the whole thing would have been one epic exercise in futility.

Every time I go to this guy and his supporting cast of clowns, it's never a straight forward cleaning.  They act like they're performing rocket science in my mouth.  I hate to break it to you lady, but it's a tooth brush and floss, you're not sending anyone to the moon.  I, on the other hand, will be sending your ass there if you put that goopy shit on my teeth again.  You know the stuff.  It hardens and won't come off for fourteen days and makes me talk with a lisp and drool all over myself.  Don't test me, bitch.  You come within three feet of me with that crap and I will cut you.

I can totally see why the visit costs $200, though.  The dentist spends three minutes stabbing my teeth with a metal pick and choking me with a tiny mirror like he's mining for gold in the back of my throat.  That there is a specialized skill.  You can't just find any homeless crack addict off the street to perform something that requires so much precision.

I'm pretty sure that cavity he filled two years ago wasn't even a cavity.  More like a "I need a new yacht fund."

Well you know what Dr. Asshat?  You and your yacht can go Eff Off.  I'll just let this new cavity continue to grow until it spreads and my whole face rots off.  Ha!  I showed you!

P.S.  See you next Tuesday at 2:00?  Great. (You know how terrible I am at breaking up with doctors.)  I'll be the one with the briefcase full off unmarked hundred dollar bills.

P.P.S.  Until then?  Eff off.

P.P.P.S.  I was just kidding. Please don't stab me with that tiny pickax thing.




16 comments:

  1. Dangit! I didn't join in the bacon quiz! But congrats to the lucky winners!
    And--totally get you on the dentist thing. It really sucks how much money it all costs. I just did $3000 worth of dental work a few months ago--and am about to go to another dentist and possibly redo it all for health reasons. Sucks. This was so funny, though! I love your writing :)

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  2. I can't believe how bacony it is getting in here, for serious! Thanks for the award - it makes me feel like I'm truly winning!

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  3. I am so angry I didn't win the bacon award!

    But then I'm so happy that you are so supportive that you worked real hard in the midst of your illness to link up with me. You rock!

    And it did NOT suck!

    I will go pimp your post.

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  4. So, you like bacon I gather?

    What's a 'den-tist'?

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  5. Okay, I'm new here, so I have questions. Do you do peanut butter & bacon? And if not, why not? Are you near an Original Pancake House, home of the Dutch Baby and the really really awesome bacon? Did you know you can buy a CASE of their bacon and take it home with you for like a mere four dollars a pound? Whoa. For reals. Did you know that if you do this, you will go through that fifteen pounds of bacon faster than you believed was humanly possible? It's totally true.

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  6. When I was a child, my face was like a magnet for hot burn-y things. I managed to burn the shit out of my chin once when I was only counter-high due to my over zealous need to see what was in the frying pan while my mother was cooking. Another time I managed to burn my face ON A FUCKING CLOTHING IRON. I have no idea how that happened but somehow I did it and I've pushed it (mostly) from my adult memory. Thankfully I never needed emergency medical attention for any of my run ins with hot shit, I'd probably feel more stupid than I already do.

    BTW I almost peed my pants and definitely shed a couple tears laughing at the bacon prize.

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  7. Do you know how much better bacon tastes after 4 or 5 mimosas?

    Correct answer: A LOT better. In fact...many things taste better after 4 or 5 mimosas.

    I hope knowing that I'm leaving this comment at 5:43 a.m. helps you feel better. I don't know why it would, but I still hope it does.

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  8. YAY! I co-won and I get a button?! This day can't get any better.

    So if your dentist offered you a free drink first, would it then be okay to insert all those foreign objects into your mouth?

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  9. What is it with bacon???? And how come nobody knows that it cooks best on a rack in the oven?
    Don't even get me started on dentists. Grrr....

    Buah ha hahaha. Good post.

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  10. Oh. My. GOSH! I am SOOO with you! It's funny, because my last post, before the walmart one, was about the very evil of dentists!!! (http://jenniedavenport.blogspot.com/2011/08/fridays-confession-booth-satanic.html)

    Hate them. And their damn tools.

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  11. Sorry I made you mad with my last comment. Holy long fucking post batman. Keeping me entertained during my pedicure tho.

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  12. EFF THE DENTIST. I went in for a cleaning and ended up with a $3000 root canal. THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Mother fucker cutting into my iMac fund...

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  13. I can't believe I didn't win the bacon challenge.

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  14. I love that your website provides people with an open forum on bacon. Bravo to you!

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  15. YES. I agree that your dentist needs to eff off. Most dentists do, in my opinion. They aren't even the ones DOING anything, ever. Except drilling the eff out of your face or numbing your whole head from the bottom of your neck to the nostril area. Yeah. I couldn't swallow, or talk, or breathe (okay, I could breathe, but I was keeping that one up in case, you know, I needed to file something). Douche. Needless to say, I did not go back to the dentist who tried to kill me. I went to a different one who tried to kill me.

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.