It was probably a bad idea to proudly call myself a social media snob several years ago.
“Oh,” I said with an upturned nose and a look of disdain, “I don’t do that facebook thingy. I have real relationships, with real people, in real life.”
I resisted and resisted until it became clear that real life no longer mattered. If you didn’t have a facebook page, it was like you were dead. Rotting in the ground, maggot meat, do you think these bones make me look fat? kind of dead.
I never did the myspace thing, cuz everyone knows that’s only for whores. And as much as I proclaim to whore myself all over the internets, I actually think sex is evil. #NoIDon’t.
Woah! Did you see what I did right there? I just combined two social media mediums, twitter and blogging!
See, you DO know what you’re doing!
Yeah, don’t get too excited. That right there was an anomaly. In statistics, they just throw those things right out, cuz they f*ck up the rest of the data.
I know as much about social media as Sarah Palin knows about saying things that don’t sound stupid. If you're a Sarah Palin fan then replace her name with the politician/realty star/hockey mom of your choice.
But somehow, I manage. I’ve got this here blog, where I put up words (gasp) and sometimes those words form sentences (oh!) and sometimes there are pictures (ooh, yeah, don’t stop) and one time I even put up a video (OH YES! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! – if you get that reference then you and I are sole-mates – can I borrow your hot pink stilettos? thanks.).
Several weeks ago, I put my twat on display and joined twitter. Since joining I have tried multiple times, with little success, to explain twitter to those of you who are not twats. I finally think I’ve come up with an analogy we can all understand. Twitter is like when the husband opens up the 365 day sex book and says, “let’s do number 130.” And you’re like, “you want my leg to go where?” It’s confusing as hell, yet pleasurable at the same time.
As much as social media confuses me, it can, occasionally, be incredibly helpful. Recently I announced on twitter that I would like to create a button, and on a scale of one to impossible, how hard is it to do? The answer? Pretty f*cking impossible. For me. Apparently.
Many of my twats came to my aide, emailing me detailed instructions, referring me to websites, or providing the steps in their tweets.
I compared and cross-referenced all the sources, hi-lighted and copy and pasted, and not the hi-light-right-click-copy-right-click-paste kind of copying and pasting. The literal scissors and glue copy and paste method. I got a giant poster-board and organized all my information with arrows and flow charts, and Venn diagrams and concentric circles and pie charts and pictures of flowers - those didn’t really serve a purpose, I just thought they were pretty – and pivot charts and bar graphs and push pins on a map connected by color-coded string.
By the time I was finished, my living room looked like Russell Crowe’s shed in A Beautiful Mind, and when the husband returned from, yet another, golf weekend, he was all, “Woman have you gone mad?!”
Um…are you just now figuring that out?
Finally Rach @DonutsMama took matters into her own hands and created the damn button for me. Those of you that participated in my Most Embarrassing Moment linky owe her a huge thanks. Heck, all of you on twitter owe her a huge thanks cuz I can now shut up about WHY THE HELL IS IT SO CONFUSING TO MAKE A DAMN BUTTON!!
I was starting to feel pretty good about myself. I’m on twitter! I have a blog! I have, like, 86 facebook friends. That’s right. Eighty. Six. It’s okay. You can be jealous.
I was all, “I’m a social media winner!”
And then Google + happened.
No really. WHAT?!
Immediately I was all, “Nuh uh. No way. I have no idea what Google + is, but it is dumb and lame and I don’t need it.” Which is code for, "Nuh uh. I don't understand it. I'm scared. Someone hold me."
I figured it was just a fad, like I thought twitter was several years ago, when the crazy lady jumped up in the middle of a meeting and shouted "TWITTER!" and we all thought she was a mental patient.
But then I heard more and more about Google + and twats started tweeting that they just had THE BEST TIME with TitsMcGee and RoboTwat on Google + and I couldn’t help but wonder: What the hell are they doing over there?
My guess? Acid.
I imagine Google + to be like a movie flashback, or flashnow, or whatever it's called when they cut to a trippy scene with psychedelic lines and swirls and rainbows and maybe Rainbow Brite is there- do you guys remember Rainbow Brite? i loved her - and it makes you feel high just watching it, which I imagine is the intended effect, because otherwise why? And people are floating all over the place and getting closer and then farther away and then closer and then farther away, and this goes on and on until you forget what movie you were even watching and you're like, "whatever! I'm high!...Or am I?" You honestly don't know, but you feel amazing and sneak into your neighbor's yard and start jumping on their trampoline and you're all, "everything is so brilliant! look at all the pretty colors!" And then all your friends come over and start jumping too and it's THE BEST DAY EVAH!
That's exactly what Google + is like. I assume. I don't actually know cuz I haven't been there yet. Because my mom was all, "hugs not drugs," when I was growing up, but um Mom, have you seen some of the people giving out drugs these days? They have no teeth and open sores and um yeah, they can keep their hugs; I'll take the drugs. To throw away, of course.
Cuz seriously, y'all drugs be bad. Don't you remember those commercials? Apparently your brain is a raw egg and your brain on drugs is scrambled eggs.
Which, in theory, sounds like a good analogy, but did anyone really think that through, because last time I checked raw eggs contained salmonella which could make you die, but scrambled eggs? F*ckin delicious. So… pretty sure scrambled is the way to go.
That is not an endorsement to do drugs! If you are doing drugs I will come punch you in the throat! Because I love you. Hugs not drugs, and all.
Is there a point?
Yes! The point is STOP IT SOCIAL MEDIA. You're going to make my brain explode. And honestly, how many different ways do you expect people to worship me? Hey come be my friend on facebook, ooh look follow my blog, be my twat! And while you're at, come, um...Google + me?
Seriously, though, this is starting to make me feel incredibly inadequate and dredging up horrible high school memories. Recently @mytimeasmom, who is a social media genius, said she was going to give StumbleUpon a try. I was all, "good luck with that," but then I had the crazy idea I could try it too. I went to their site, looked at the screen for a few seconds, turned off my computer and quietly walked away...to go bash my head into a wall.
And Pinterest? When I first heard of it I, of course, was immediately all, "whatever." I'm not even sure if this is social media or interweb scrapbooking, or whatever, but after months of resistance and watching everyone around me lose their damn minds over it, I decided to check it out.
Oh HELL no. There's no way I'm begging Pinterest for an invite just so they can reject me. I've been to that rodeo and it is not a good time.
When did I become one of those old people looking in wonder (and disdain) at all those crazy youngins runnin 'round with all their gadgets? When did stuff just stop making sense? When I was younger I could bash a little Italian guy's head on a brick until a mushroom popped out like nobody's business. But now, if you tell me to DM you, I'm all, "DM? DM?!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. AHHHHH!"
I think my relationship with social media can best be summed up by my good friend Jessie from Saved By The Bell. "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!"
This post is linked up with lovelinks! Yay!
Liked what you read? Of course you did! Then hit the little follow button. It would make me so happy to see your face there. Don't want to wait hours upon hours for my next post? Follow me on twitter @sarcasmgoddess and get minute by minute vagina action. I also talk about bacon a lot. And sausage. It's exactly as awesome as it sounds.