Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Stop It Social Media

Those of you who are regulars ‘round these parts (thank you, I love you, you are my favorite) know that me and the technologies?  We gots the issues.  And by technology I mostly mean social media.  But also? Technology in general.

It was probably a bad idea to proudly call myself a social media snob several years ago.

“Oh,” I said with an upturned nose and a look of disdain, “I don’t do that facebook thingy.  I have real relationships, with real people, in real life.” 

I resisted and resisted until it became clear that real life no longer mattered.  If you didn’t have a facebook page, it was like you were dead.  Rotting in the ground, maggot meat, do you think these bones make me look fat? kind of dead. 

I never did the myspace thing, cuz everyone knows that’s only for whores.  And as much as I proclaim to whore myself all over the internets, I actually think sex is evil. #NoIDon’t.

Woah!  Did you see what I did right there?  I just combined two social media mediums, twitter and blogging!

See, you DO know what you’re doing!

Yeah, don’t get too excited.  That right there was an anomaly.  In statistics, they just throw those things right out, cuz they f*ck up the rest of the data.

I know as much about social media as Sarah Palin knows about saying things that don’t sound stupid.  If you're a Sarah Palin fan then replace her name with the politician/realty star/hockey mom of your choice.

But somehow, I manage.  I’ve got this here blog, where I put up words (gasp) and sometimes those words form sentences (oh!) and sometimes there are pictures (ooh, yeah, don’t stop) and one time I even put up a video (OH YES! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! – if you get that reference then you and I are sole-mates – can I borrow your hot pink stilettos?  thanks.).

Several weeks ago, I put my twat on display and joined twitter.  Since joining I have tried multiple times, with little success, to explain twitter to those of you who are not twats.  I finally think I’ve come up with an analogy we can all understand.  Twitter is like when the husband opens up the 365 day sex book and says, “let’s do number 130.”  And you’re like, “you want my leg to go where?”  It’s confusing as hell, yet pleasurable at the same time. 

As much as social media confuses me, it can, occasionally, be incredibly helpful.  Recently I announced on twitter that I would like to create a button, and on a scale of one to impossible, how hard is it to do?  The answer?  Pretty f*cking impossible.  For me.  Apparently.

Many of my twats came to my aide, emailing me detailed instructions, referring me to websites, or providing the steps in their tweets.

I compared and cross-referenced all the sources, hi-lighted and copy and pasted, and not the hi-light-right-click-copy-right-click-paste kind of copying and pasting. The literal scissors and glue copy and paste method.  I got a giant poster-board and organized all my information with arrows and flow charts, and Venn diagrams and concentric circles and pie charts and pictures of flowers - those didn’t really serve a purpose, I just thought they were pretty – and pivot charts and bar graphs and push pins on a map connected by color-coded string.

By the time I was finished, my living room looked like Russell Crowe’s shed in A Beautiful Mind, and when the husband returned from, yet another, golf weekend, he was all, “Woman have you gone mad?!”

Um…are you just now figuring that out?

Finally Rach @DonutsMama took matters into her own hands and created the damn button for me.  Those of you that participated in my Most Embarrassing Moment linky owe her a huge thanks.  Heck, all of you on twitter owe her a huge thanks cuz I can now shut up about WHY THE HELL IS IT SO CONFUSING TO MAKE A DAMN BUTTON!!

I was starting to feel pretty good about myself.  I’m on twitter!  I have a blog!  I have, like, 86 facebook friends.  That’s right.  Eighty.  Six.  It’s okay. You can be jealous.

I was all, “I’m a social media winner!”

And then Google + happened.

Um what?

No really.  WHAT?!

Immediately I was all, “Nuh uh.  No way.  I have no idea what Google + is, but it is dumb and lame and I don’t need it.”  Which is code for, "Nuh uh.  I don't understand it.  I'm scared.  Someone hold me."

I figured it was just a fad, like I thought twitter was several years ago, when the crazy lady jumped up in the middle of a meeting and shouted "TWITTER!" and we all thought she was a mental patient.

But then I heard more and more about Google + and twats started tweeting that they just had THE BEST TIME with TitsMcGee and RoboTwat on Google + and I couldn’t help but wonder: What the hell are they doing over there? 

My guess?  Acid. 

I imagine Google + to be like a movie flashback, or flashnow, or whatever it's called when they cut to a trippy scene with psychedelic lines and swirls and rainbows and maybe Rainbow Brite  is there- do you guys remember Rainbow Brite? i loved her - and it makes you feel high just watching it, which I imagine is the intended effect, because otherwise why?  And people are floating all over the place and getting closer and then farther away and then closer and then farther away, and this goes on and on until you forget what movie you were even watching and you're like, "whatever!  I'm high!...Or am I?"  You honestly don't know, but you feel amazing and sneak into your neighbor's yard and start jumping on their trampoline and you're all, "everything is so brilliant!  look at all the pretty colors!"  And then all your friends come over and start jumping too and it's THE BEST DAY EVAH!

That's exactly what Google + is like.  I assume. I don't actually know cuz I haven't been there yet.  Because my mom was all, "hugs not drugs," when I was growing up, but um Mom, have you seen some of the people giving out drugs these days?  They have no teeth and open sores and um yeah, they can keep their hugs; I'll take the drugs.  To throw away, of course.

Cuz seriously, y'all drugs be bad.  Don't you remember those commercials?  Apparently your brain is a raw egg and your brain on drugs is scrambled eggs.

Which, in theory, sounds like a good analogy, but did anyone really think that through, because last time I checked raw eggs contained salmonella which could make you die, but scrambled eggs?  F*ckin delicious.  So… pretty sure scrambled is the way to go.

That is not an endorsement to do drugs!  If you are doing drugs I will come punch you in the throat!  Because I love you.  Hugs not drugs, and all.

The point?

Is there a point? 

Yes!  The point is STOP IT SOCIAL MEDIA.  You're going to make my brain explode.  And honestly, how many different ways do you expect people to worship me?  Hey come be my friend on facebook, ooh look follow my blog, be my twat!  And while you're at, come, um...Google + me?

Seriously, though, this is starting to make me feel incredibly inadequate and dredging up horrible high school memories.  Recently @mytimeasmom, who is a social media genius, said she was going to give StumbleUpon a try.  I was all, "good luck with that," but then I had the crazy idea I could try it too.  I went to their site, looked at the screen for a few seconds, turned off my computer and quietly walked away...to go bash my head into a wall.

And Pinterest?  When I first heard of it I, of course, was immediately all, "whatever."  I'm not even sure if this is social media or interweb scrapbooking,  or whatever, but after months of resistance and watching everyone around me lose their damn minds over it, I decided to check it out.

Invite only?!

Oh HELL no.  There's no way I'm begging Pinterest for an invite just so they can reject me.  I've been to that rodeo and it is not a good time.

When did I become one of those old people looking in wonder (and disdain) at all those crazy youngins runnin 'round with all their gadgets?  When did stuff just stop making sense?  When I was younger I could bash a little Italian guy's head on a brick until a mushroom popped out like nobody's business.  But now, if you tell me to DM you, I'm all, "DM?  DM?!!  I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.  AHHHHH!"

I think my relationship with social media can best be summed up by my good friend Jessie from Saved By The Bell.  "I'm so excited!  I'm so excited!  I'm so...scared!"

This post is linked up with lovelinks!  Yay!

Liked what you read?  Of course you did!  Then hit the little follow button.  It would make me so happy to see your face there.  Don't want to wait hours upon hours for my next post?  Follow me on twitter @sarcasmgoddess and get minute by minute vagina action.  I also talk about bacon a lot.  And sausage.  It's exactly as awesome as it sounds.


  1. Are you me? Cuz you've used two terms in this post that I use. Which makes me love you even more. Does this mean I'm in love with myself? Am I Tyler Durden? I'm so confused.

  2. Best description of Google+ I've seen yet :)

  3. Two days ago, I googled DM.

    Yes, I did.

    You're blog makes me laugh. Not LOL, 'cause I don't do that. Nor do I do sideways punctuation faces (sorry to the commenter above me. No offense)

    Google+ is blowing my mind too since I just started Twitter myself. I can't reel myself in. I want to comment comment comment. Now I'm a stalker. But I'm confused because I thought that was what this internet world was about about. Stalking and the occasional commenting.

    I'm doing it again.........

  4. So I'll see your Google + (which looks like FB!) and raise you a newly revamped MySpace acct and 14532 spammers...

    Yeah, no thanks. I'll whoring it at the corner of Twitter and Vine..

  5. This is a HUGE issue right now!

    People are getting bored with FB. First, the attention spans of people today are horrible. Second, Google will rule the world one day, i'm sure of it. We will probably rename this country The United States of Google.

    Third, and I'm only numbering to sound intelliigent and like I actually have a thought process here, Twitter is like the In 'n Out of the social media world. Meaning, it's awesome in its simplicity. Yes, there are those pesky DMs and RTs, BUT, there is NOT a bunch of other crap like Farmville and circles. AND, anybody can follow anybody. I didn't realize it for a long time, but Twitter is social networking for the free world, man!

    But I feel your pain. I am whoring myself all over the Internet lately. Think the fact that I'm married with children will counteract it?

  6. I'm avoiding Pinterest. Not for me. I'm on Google + and the Twatter of course plus some other sites. If they add anything else I might join you in the head explosion.

  7. I completely understand about Google+. My very first thoguht when they launched it was, "Crap, I have to learn ANOTHER one?"

    Oh, and. I totally got that Seven reference (and also I remember with clarity that Saved By The Bell episode). But I already knew we were soulmates. And I'm 6' tall, so I don't own any stilettos (but if I did, they would totally be hot pink). Can I borrow yours instead? I'll lend you my jean jacket.

  8. Ah, only you can reference the great "Don't do Drugs" episode from Saved by the Bell in such a great nonchalant kind of way!!

  9. You had me at "seven, seven, seven... seven." Classic Monica.

    It's too much, all the social media. Too freaking much. I've lurked around Google+, but I can't hang out there because I just don't have another social media minute. Unless all the cool kids start hanging out there and then I'll give into peer pressure, just like I did with Twitter.

  10. Anyone who quotes Jesse's drug episode on Saved By the Bell rocks the kasbah! Because I've raised kids for 28 years with various degrees of success, I've watched umpteen years of that show and I think I've seen that particular episode at least 4 times.

    Also, I am in your court on the techno troubles. Definitely need a twat tightening and maybe a new brain that absorbs this stuff. I'm puttering around the internet thinking I can get by with a post or two, but then they throw the wrench in and give me a frickin' learning curve. I haven't removed my Christmas lights yet...don't ask me to learn links and Google+ (although I did sign up!) You are truly funny. Love your blog and your irreverent humor. The world needs more!

  11. OK, I am laughing (should I be?) at your hilariously sarcastic post! I'm reposting it on Google+ for all my writer friends to see!

    Samantha from vB

  12. OK, I am laughing (should I be?) at your hilariously sarcastic post! I'm reposting it on Google+ for all my writer friends to see!

    Samantha from vB

  13. This is some funny stuff. But, let me put it this way, no technology will be beat until it outlives the lifespan that the dinosaurs lived.

    Trust me, in comparison to all else, it wasn't very long, though technology in comparison is just about up to an eyewink;-)

  14. Look, it took me forever just to get on Twitter. I still don't know what I'm doing there. I feel like the crazy chick at school who stands in the corner listening in on everyone's conversations and occassionally going to the center of the quad just to yell "PURPLE PUPPIES LICK PENGUINS!!" just to have everyone stop, stare, roll their eyes, turn back to their friends and continue on with their conversations. Occassionally, somone takes pitty and picks up the pencil I dropped or points out my text book isn't missing, it's still on my head.

    Just like changing schools, I don't think I could go to a new media. 2 is enough. I didn't like school that much anyway.

    That been said, I mess with Klout. Can someone explain why? So I can see how unpopular I am? To see how bad I was the other day for being of the net. I signed up to punish myself. Nuts!

    Sometimes I thinkI should just sell my laptop and use the funds to buy my weight in bacon.

    Monana was awesome! She and Channandler Bong made the cutest couple. ;0)

  15. I was thinking something along these lines the other day. I've signed up for so many sites that I can't even keep track. It's like I need a site to keep track of all my sites, and that idea is just nuts. Not balls, but nuts. I cannot figure out what the hell the Klout thing was, and the Google+ thing . . . "I know how to get people to think our site is worth joining, we'll make it like a fancy country club where someone has to invite you and you have to agree to give us your first born child and only wear clothing from Izod." Sheesh!

  16. I know what you mean. I'm also technologically challenged but am actually quite proud of myself for having started a blog and opened an FB account (I was also an FB snob). They do come up with new things so fast that I really am struggling to keep up too. But, I guess in order to keep my sanity, I'd just have to pick and choose and leave the others behind.

  17. WTH? Now I gotta look up DM and Google + and Pinterest to hang with the big girls. Thanks. Thanks a lot. (middle finger salute)

  18. I totally got the Friends reference and now we are soulmates and you totally can't take it back even though you really want to.
    Google+ scares me. Mostly, I don't want to have to re-friend all my friends and move all of my pictures over to a different platform.
    My Facebook got hacked and for a split second I entertained the notion that I would close my account. What a joke! My friends would probably assume I died. You're right about that.

  19. The good news and the bad news about Google+ - buzz is, if you sign on with a pseudonym, you're gone baby, gone. People are appealing this, but apparently for now what they are going is shutting down ALL the Google accounts - mail, blog, etc. of anyone who dares besmirch their sacred circles with a phony name.

    So, pull up a chair and wait awhile, and if people nag you about it, tell them you daren't go there, until you're sure you won't get fried there. If you'd like to check it out, THIS: http://wosushi.wordpress.com/2011/07/21/yet-another-google-post/ is the most exhaustive & helpful post I've found on G+ so far.

  20. I still haven't figured out the appeal of Google+. How many social media thingies do we need? Wosushi's post is a good one. I need to sit down and check out those links but the idea of it makes my head hurt.

  21. I'm with you. I can't go to the bathroom without somebody asking me to make a new profile and start making connections.

    Google+ does sound like it has some advantages over FB and I sort of hate FB so if in a year or so everybody has shuffled over to Google+ I'll bite. But for now....ugh. Too tired :P

  22. You are a smart cookie:

    1.- Nicely to get someone to get to do your button ;-) We can finally say that 'not knowing something" pays off.

    2. Is this a smooth way of asking for an invite for Pinterest? LOL
    To be honest, I joined Google+ because, I wanted to kind of take my name or spot or whatever space before the whole world is there. Because of popularity, I joined; but to be honest I barely use it. I guess I'll let it roll more until all glitches are fixed so my life is easier then. Pinterest I've never heard of, so I won't even going to search for it. I am already busy as it is.

    P.S. I loved your post

  23. My husband is starting to sweat... I've been a SAH for about 6 months now and in that time I have joined facebook, started a blog, joined LinkedIn (or something like that?), and as of this week joined Twitter. I am live people, plugged in and live!

  24. This post is funny 'cuz it's true. I feel exactly the same. But with out the funny. Just sad and scared and clueless. Must go twat you now.

  25. LOVE that description of Twitter. You should market that. As a newsie, Twitter is the new "wire." Awesome.

  26. I know, too much, eh? MySpace is for whores? But, what if I was wearing my pearls?

  27. You are friggin' hilarious! Best Friday night read...fo sure.

    First, I followed you on the Twitter 'cause you made me laugh out loud. Oh that, and apparently, we're soul sisters...SEVEN!!! I don't have any pink stilettos, but I'm sure we can still work it out.

    And after three years on Facebook (which I only signed up for so that I could see a small handful of peeps updated pics...until my cousin found & friended me...been there since), I have 98 friends. So, there's my 98 to your 86 and they sound a whole lotta like to me. So, maybe I'm a little less chatty on Facebook than I am on Twitter (as a FB friend pointed out tonight at #wineparty).

    And I resisted Twitter with all my might, until a friend said she was docummenting her transplant via that chirpy place. And so I caved a year ago. Even though in the beginning I sat there with my jaw drooling on my keyboard, I'm comin' up on 8,000 tweets and I'm lovin' it.

    And Friendly soulmate, you absolutely must know that Pinterest is heaven on the nets. It's uber easy peasy and if you think ya might brave that one, email me & I'll send you an invite! Easy. I swear!

    Now, Google+? Oh. I've pulled up the screen to update my profile with 'em...several times now...and quickly tab over. Wonder if I'll eventually cave on that one too. But, seriously, how many places can a gal keep up with peeps and actually know what they are talking about?! I worry that if I sign up for that too, I'll experience a sudden and explosive personality split. Shoot, my one voice in my head is already too much to handle and I could end up with hundreds of different voices chatting away in there and then I could accidentally start spilling them out upon Google+, Twitter, Facebook, blog, StumbleUpon, BlogFrog, and more. And I honnestly don't want to frighten anyone. Or have to listen to all that in my head.

    Yup, I do love me some social media. Surprised the hell out of me too. But, don't want to overdo it, right? Explosive Spontaneous Split Personality Disorder doesn't sound like something I want to ink my name on screen for. Right?

  28. It is like you took my thoughts and spilled them out on your blog. It is insane isn't it. I love you explanation of twitter. Haven't heard that one before! I always thought of it as facebook on crack! It is all a lot isn't it. I have to agree with TimeCrafted. Pinterest is fantastic and I too can send you an invite if you want one. I really find it to be one of the easiest social medians. I haven't even begun to thought about trying Google+. I have the account and everything... I just can not bring myself to have to manage and update one more thing!!

    So happy I found you. Visiting from the Red Dress Club link up!

  29. I wish I was friends with a Tits McGee or Robot twat somewhere on the innerwebz.

    I can't get into google+. It's easy to tuse but it smells and looks like facebook, which I hate, and thus, deleted over 19 months ago.

    Twitter is perfect. Short, sweet, stupid, sarcastic, and succinct.


  30. I cannot figure out Google+ either. Maybe if I had another 10-15 extra hours in the day I could actually get on the technology bandwagon. Let's just agree to stop at Google+ ok?


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