Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Mistaken Identity

Can you believe it's already here again?  One of my most favorite days of the week...WTF Wednesday!  I cannot thank Poppy enough for hosting this most magical of days on her amazing blog Funny or Snot.

I have always had an affinity for Wednesdays.  Sure the humping is great, but even better than humping?  Chicken nugget day.  That's right, I said CHICKEN NUGGETS!  Every other Wednesday at my high school (which was also my junior high school and my elementary school; I went to a pre K-12 school) was chicken nugget day.  The Wednesdays that weren't chicken nugget day were Chick fil-A day.  Yeah, my school was pretty kick-ass.  At least when it came to food.

Now as awesome as chicken nuggets are, they weren't even the best part of Chicken Nugget Wednesday.  The best part?  The BBQ sauce.

Now let me just say, I am not a BBQ person.  If you were to offer to cook me a BBQ meal I would probably punch you in the throat for suggesting something so vile and offensive.  But the BBQ sauce at my school?  Fan-freaking-tastic.  I highly doubt there was one real or natural ingredient in the stuff, which was probably why it was so good - and man was it good.

There was only one small problem with Chicken Nugget Fan-freaking-tastic BBQ Sauce Wednesdays.  The BBQ sauce pump.  In order to sauce up your nuggets you had to pump the sauce out of these ginormous soap dispenser things that sat on tables at the front of the cafeteria.  And by front of the cafeteria I mean, everyone-can-watch-you-walk-back-to-your-seat-after-the-BBQ-sauce-catastrophe.

What is the BBQ sauce catastrophe?  Allow me to illustrate.

This never, as in not once (because usually that's what never means.  usually.) happened to me.  Seriously, it did not - no sarcasm here.  Because I am smart.  And I always turned the pump away from me so that if it exploded, it could explode all over the floor.

The point of this story is: I've always loved Wednesdays because of Chicken Nugget Fan-freaking-tastic BBQ Sauce Wednesday, but now that Wednesdays are also WTF Wednesdays they are slowly but surely inching their way to being MY MOST FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK!

Now that the longest intro in the history of ever is completed let's get to the WTF portion of the program.

This week I am WTFing yours truly.  That's right.  Something happened last night that made me say, "WTF, me?"

The husband, my friend The Mandy, and I went to a new restaurant.  It isn't so much a restaurant as it is a cheese-slash-wine-slash-all-the-beers-in-the-world-slash-more-cheese-and-cheese-fondue-and-some-sausage-and-a-little-bit-of-salami-and-more-cheese-and-hey-I-know-this-isn't-on-your-menu-but-you-think-you-could-make-me-a-cheese-and-salami-sandwich bar.  Which is really fantastic and all, but totally irrelevant.

What is relevant is that I went to the bathroom.  Not in my pants this time - yay me! - but in the actual restroom, where most potty trained adults go to pee.

When I exited the restroom, I saw the husband standing at the end of the hallway.

Now here are three things you need to know about me and the hallway.

1. I am nearsighted. Or farsighted. Whichever one means I can't see far away.  That one.

2.  The hallway was dark.

3.  The hallway was long.  Meaning the husband was really kinda far away.

Got it?


So...I exited the bathroom, saw the husband and was all sexy-eyed hey how you doin?

And the husband was all sexy-eyed ohh yeeeaaah.

(And by sexy-eyed I mean we were talking with our eyes.  Not actually talking.  Just want to be clear on this.)

I continued walking toward him and we continued our sexy-eyed hey let's make out in the hallway and feel each other up...and down conversation.

As I got closer I was all, wow, what long hair you have, husband.  Much longer than I recall.


Wow, your mid-section has gotten...bigger, husband.

Closer still.

Wow, husband, have you gotten taller?

And even closer.

Oh shit!  You are not the husband!

That's right, I eye-molested a total stranger, who I thought was eye-molesting me back, but that could just be how he looks when he really has to pee.  I don't know those types of intimate details about him because he was a total stranger!

Now in fairness to me, the guy looked nothing like the husband and was wearing the exact same shirt as the husband.  So you can see how this case of mistaken identity could happen.  Also, please refer to points one, two and three above about me and hallway.

I went back to the table and impatiently waited for the husband and The Mandy to finish whatever they were talking about and blurted, "I almost molested another man I thought was you, husband."

Hahaha, we all laughed, and I thought this will make a great blog post.

But then a few minutes later I know what would have made an even better blog post? if I hadn't realized it was the husband and actually molested a total stranger.

And THEN I thought, WTF me?  You wished you had molested a total stranger just cuz it would make a good blog post?!

But the WTF me didn't last long, because I am a blogger.  And I know my fellow bloggers will agree: we will do almost anything for a blog post.

So I guess this isn't so much of a WhatTF Wednesday, but a WHYTF-did-you-have-to-realize-it-wasn't-the-husband-which-prevented-you-from-molesting-a-total-stranger-and-walking-away-with-the-best-post-ever! Wednesday.


Maybe next time.

Don't forget to check out the other WTF entries!

Liked what you read?  Of course you did!  Then hit the little follow button.  It would make me so happy to see your face there.  Don't want to wait hours upon hours for my next post?  Follow me on twitter @sarcasmgoddess and get minute by minute vagina action.  I also talk about bacon a lot.  And sausage.  It's exactly as awesome as it sounds.


  1. This morning my phone rang at 7:58. I was pissed and ignored it because I was TRYING TO SLEEP. So I pulled out my cell phone and updated my facebook status. It read: Catherine seriously hates it when the phone rings at 8 o'clock in the morning in the summer. It makes her want to punch someone in the throat.

    Punch someone in the throat! Get it? I thought I was the only one who said that.

    It IS like we're sisters.

  2. Seriously? You had a Blind Girl moment! A ME moment! I am so proud.

  3. You make me so proud! Now I kinda want to be your fake boyfriend too...

  4. I have been SO busy lately, I don't get to read all the blogs I wanna.

    But I made the time this evening to read yours. So glad I did. :)

  5. Ahhhh BBQ sauce Wednesday. Not sure I ever thought to point the pump away from myself. Genius. I bahahaha'd at the eye molesting a stranger thinking it was the husband. Thanks for always making me laugh!

  6. PS the dude in your drawings is totally my blond crush Craig severson, am I right? Oh the memories :)

  7. What. This seems completely normal. I often contemplate molesting strangers on slow bloggy days.

  8. I think I need to try molesting strangers. It might clear the writer's block.

    Also, McDonald's BBQ sauce is the only one I will eat. Lame right?

  9. I think you need contacts or glasses.

  10. So. totally. done this. Sadly, I am vision impaired as well and especially so in a dim room. I actually made contact with my "sexy" stranger though in the form of a held hand before I realized it. I may never forget how hairy his hands were compared to my husband...

  11. I'm with Bridget, I love the McDonald's BBQ sauce. I think it's mostly sugar. Pour some of that delicious delicious sugar water on my chicken nuggets and I am happy.
    My favorite part of this whole post?
    "Not in my pants this time - yay me!" Hahhaha

  12. You eye-raped a stranger. Go. You. Your husband should be PROUD!

    ps it's nearsighted. i think.

  13. p.s. get a freakin e-mail subscription please and thank you.

  14. Ha! I love this! K, I'm now hooked on your blog.

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