Sunday, July 10, 2011

I'm Gonna Be Somebody Someday

I just hope it's not somebody in a mental institution.

Finally!  It's July!  You know what that means?  It's no longer June.

Thank goodness.

June was the month I was going to post every day.  Every.  Single.  Day.  Nine days in, I failed.  I blame spotty Internet, vacation and peeing on myself.

This reminds me of the time I bought boots and threw them away before wearing them.  True story.

Last fall I went shopping and bought two pairs of boots. A grey I-look-so-hot-in-these-you-would-never-guess-I-am-clueless-about-fashion pair and a black pleather (cuz I'm classy like that) knee high my-name-is-Hilga-and-I-will-dominate-you pair.

I got home and tried the black ones on with a long t-shirt belted at the waist and was all, "husband! bring me my whip!"  But apparently?  I don't have a whip.  Which is another tragedy for another day.

I examined my get-up in the mirror and decided I looked ridiculous (long t-shirt, belt and boots?  I can't imagine where I went wrong.) and boxed the boots back up, put them in the corner and planned to return them.  Just like that suit I purchased three years ago and that sundress I bought two years ago, which are both buried at the bottom of my closet.

I kept the grey ones in the box for safe keeping and emptied the other four boxes of shoes I bought (what? they were buy one get one.  it's not like you can just not buy them.) and put the empty boxes in a giant garbage bag and put the bag in the garage for the husband to take out with the trash.

A week later the husband and I decided to out for the early bird special which meant it was time to break out my grey boots!  High and low I searched.  Where oh where could my grey boots be?

I know!  I know!  You threw them out with the empty boxes!

Correct! You win a box of empty boots!

Yeah, that was a good day.  I die a little every time I think about it.  Now, whenever I ponder the idea of buying boots, I just throw forty dollars in the trash instead.

But enough about me.  It's time for the Sarcasm Goddess Award Show!  I do realize this is a week late, but let's just pretend it's on time, okay? I suggest a libation other than wine to get you through tonight's show.  Something like hard liquor.  Moonshine if you have it.

Let's bring out our host, Tony the Intoxicated Turtle.

Honestly, Tony.  Get your shit together.  We have a show to do.

The first award goes to...drum-roll, please...Me!  You guys didn't honestly think this show was about you, did you?

No, I did not make an award for myself.  I was given an award by the hilarious-make-you-pee-your-pants Laura from Catharsis.  Put your hands together and cheer wildly for me as I accept my award.

Thank you, thank you.  Wow.  This is so unexpected.  I mean it's definitely, deserved.  But unexpected in the what-the-f*ck-took-so-long-for-someone-to-give-me-an-award sense.  I'd like to thank myself, and, well, that's it.  Oh fine, I'll thank Laura too.  (You guys wanna know a secret?  I freaking love that girl.  She cracks my ass up on the daily and I'm secretly plotting to move the husband and I and our two dogs to Michigan and live in her backyard where I can stalk her good and proper like.)

Okay seriously enough about me.  Who does our first award really go to, Tony?



Not again Tony!

Fine, Tony.  I'll do it myself.

The first award goes to someone who I honestly cannot believe has not already received one.  The fact that she has not is a gross injustice and I vow to get to the bottom of who is responsible for this.  Let's all raise our bananas in a toast to Alison at Mama Wants This for her award.

The next award goes to someone who took their sweet ass time getting here.  I won't hold it against him because he is the only one who has access to my most favorite wine in the world.  Andrew, next time I see you, remind me to ask you for a case, 'kay?

Let's all raise our shafts in salute to Andrew for his award.

Whatever the heck that means
Now it's time for the Comment of the Week honor.  There were a lot of stellar ones to choose from this week, partially thanks to tampon bird, but mostly thanks to you guys being awesome.  If I could, I'd bottle your awesomeness up and spray it all over myself.  Or, you know, something a little less weird.

Before I bestow the Comment of the Week honor, let's acknowledge a few honorable mentions:

Mama_Mash said in response to my Life Lessons post: The fact that I'm back after surviving tampon bird should put your paranoia at rest.  I am not being nice to you because I don't like you.  I'm being nice to you because I'm afraid you'll throw used feminine products at me.

While that is very valid fear, Mama_Mash, I would never throw a tampon bird at you for fear the FART JAR.

Twinisms said in response to WTF Wednesday: Jackson once vomited, like a huge, huge puke, inside Fresh Market.  I hope that makes your day. It kind of made mine when it happened.

You know what?  That totally did make my day. 

Momma Teach Lady said in response to Head, Balls and Shafts:

It means so much that you care about my safety.  *tear* 

The winner of the Comment of the Week goes to...
Cereal Stray for her comment in response to tampon bird: Hhahhaaahahhahahahaaa.  Tell us which island!  Treasure hunt!

I love a girl with a sense of adventure.

Well folks that's it.  We've come to the end of the show.  I would wish you all a fantastic Monday, but let's face it.  It's Monday.  It's gonna suck.


  1. Bahaha! These things always make my day! I am grateful you survived June, who else would listen to the ravings of a self-admitted lunatic like me? Maybe one of the other personalities or my imaginary friend, but I have serious doubts.

    Thank you!

  2. That treasure hunt comment is just nasty.

    Instead of throwing that $40 in the trash, send it my way. I'll buy something nice with it and send you a picture.

  3. Woohooo!! THANK YOU for my award, I LOVE it! I do like monkeys.

    I'd like to thank myself too, seeing as I practically BEGGED you to give me #afreakingawardalreadywhathef*ck.

    I love it! Do a grab button won't ya? (Jessica can probably tell you how to do one, seeing as she's very tech/ blog savvy and I mean that in the nicest way)

  4. ohmygoodness! I totally forget to return stuff all the time... or rather just to lazy to do it.

    Nice award show =)

  5. I'm a whore! A whore! Just what I've always wanted! Thanks for pimpin' my shit, lady!

    Oh, and I guess I should mention that you are incredibly funny. Not the passing chuckle kind, like those douche bags on Comedy Central get just because people feel uncomfortable and don't know what to do, so they utter a fake "Ha heh hmm" while desperately looking around, trying to avoid contact with the comedian so he {or she, but usually he - shes know funny and would never get a half-hearted nervous laugh} won't come over to their table to pick on them in order to change focus from their suck ass bit to the people who don't like it. Not that kind of funny. Real, laugh-out-loud, ouch-my-cheeks-hurt, please-I-must-stop-reading-cuz-I've-had-2-kids-and-my-bladder-and-bowel-control-ain't-what-they-used-to-be kind of funny.

    The end.

  6. Oh thank you for the laugh this morning. The perfect award for my hubs. And seriously, what the hell DOES that even mean???????? My second favorite golf line he says to me when playing in a scramble which I heard no less than 18 times during our last one....( Following my putt) "you showed me nothing, that showed me NOTHING. Usually after I asked "how was that?"

  7. Wow, you're really witty. I love it. where's my award?


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