Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I'll Take A New Theme Song for $400, Alex

Is his name Alex Tribec or Alec Tribec?  Is that how you spell Tribec?  I could google it, but laziness completes me.

You guys!  It's Wednesday!  You know what that means.  Another episode of WTF Wednesday!  I know, I know.  I am way behind on the Sarcasm Goddess Award Show and I feel seven kinds of anxious about it.

Which actually segues quite nicely into my WTF topic.

Dear Anxiety,

WTF is up with you?  No, really.  W. T. F. is up?

If my life had a theme song it would be the Black Eyed Peas featuring Papa Roach's Anxiety.

I don't fear none of my enemies
And I don't fear bullets from Uzis
I've been dealing with something that's worse than these
That'll make you fall to your knees and that's the
The anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
Don't get me wrong.  It's a great song.  It's just that, well, if I had a choice I would prefer my theme song to be Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off.
Everybody now!
She’ll start with kickin’ out of her shoes
Lose an earring in her drink
Leave her jacket in the bathroom stall
Drop a contact down the sink
Them pantyhose aint gonna last too long
If the DJ puts Bon Jovi on
She might come home in a table cloth
Yeah tequila makes her clothes fall off

No, I'm not a whore.  I just play one in real life.

Seriously, anxiety, it was super fun walking into the party, grabbing a glass of wine and running back out the door to hide behind the husband's truck.  But maybe next time I could look a little less like a freak and oh, I don't know, stay in the room like a normal person.  If that's just too much to ask, maybe you could grab the bottle before we bolt, cuz one glass of wine just aint gonna cut it.  And also?  As much as you like to make everything all about you, there's two people in this relationship.  It's about time you did your fair share of alcohol stealing.

Oh!  And remember that time everyone was all, "let's go to the beach!  that'll be fun!"

And I was all, "ooh the beach sounds like fun!"  But you were all, "you know what's even more fun?  an anxiety attack."  And I was all, "fine, but I'm not gonna like it."

Good times that was.

And you know I how used to tell people I was "sick" to get out of doing things because of you?  Well now thanks to your recent mission of hey-let's-be-bffs-and-braid-each-other's-hair-and-have-pillow-fights-and-never-leave-each-other's-side my oh-sorry-I'd-really-love-to-come-to-your-party-but-I-can't-stop-shitting-my-pants excuse is no longer a lie.

So, I guess thanks for no longer making me a liar.

Sigh.  There are so many things I love about you, but perhaps the thing that makes me feel the most warm and fuzzy all over is my issues with peeing in restaurants.  Not peeing at the table of course, cuz that would just be ridiculous.

But you know what's not ridiculous, not even in the slightest?  Spending the entire meal with an ever-accelerating heart-rate.  Not being able to focus on conversation or enjoy my company because I must keep one eye on the restroom so it does not move further way, making my trek across the restaurant longer and more you-filled.

Honestly, it's the best.

Everyone should have a friend like you.  Wherever  I go, I know you'll be there too.  You can't buy that kind of friendship.

So than-

Wait.  Hold.  The.  Phone.  It's 3:00 in the P.M. and you've only attacked me twice, and they were mild attacks at that?

You don't...

You wouldn't...

You're not spending time with someone else are you?!

WTF, Anxiety!  Don't you love me any more?  Did I do something to offend you?!  I didn't mean it!  I promise!  Tell me what I said and I'll apologize!  What?  You're not talking to me now!  Tell me what I did!  Tell me!  TELL ME!  You know how I hate to lose friends!  I'm feeling dizzy!  It's hard to see the screen!  MY HEART IS GOING TO JUMP OUT OF MY CHEST!!

Oh, look.  You're back.

With you, I'm anxious.  Without you, I'm anxious.  WTF, Anxiety?  I hate you.

P.S. Damn you, for making me feel anxious about posting this! 

P.P.S. Go check out the other WTF links, would ya?


  1. Totally subconscious, I posted today that featured WTF.

    Not as much fun as you & your BFF, anxiety. Love the songs. Have never gone home in a tablecloth yet - must not have been enough Tequila. Perhaps next time.

  2. I'd like to tell your BFF anxiety to eff off. Is that rude?

    Anxiety leave her alone! We need our awards show! And ours superstar Twatter!

  3. I'm with Alison. EFF Off anxiety. I don't care if that was rude.

  4. BYOB - bring your own box (of wine)to at least make anxiety a little more fun because right now she sounds like a total bitch.

  5. You know what might help? Drugs. Seriously. All the cool kids are doing them.

    Btw, love the site, totally stalking you now.

  6. O-M-G do we have the same anxiety? Is she two-timing us?

    No. I think we have different anxiety BFFs. Phew.

    I LOVE this post!

  7. Ugh. Hate anxiety. Such a party pooper.

  8. This is *easily* the best love letter to anxiety I've ever read. Amazing!

  9. Your BFF Anxiety needs to meet my BFF Klonopin.

    And I almost had a urinary accident reading Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off. I'm also too lazy to google so will assume you wrote it and you are hilarious. Even if you didn't I'll never find out anyway.

  10. Ugh, I'm so husband suffers from anxiety attacks (he's been on meds for quite a while now), but seeing him struggle with them is very hard. I'm with Alison :)

  11. Oh girl, I feel on the anxiety bs... They have me somewhat medicated but it doesn't really help. We'll beat this thing though!

    I'm glad you can poke fun at it, that's difficult at times.


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