Saturday, July 9, 2011

Head, Balls and Shafts! Oh My!

As I write this the husband has spent the last 48 hours with 11 other men fondling each others shafts and juggling each others balls.

That's right, it's the Annual Guys Golf Retreat aka HomoErotic Fest 2011.

I'm not accusing these men of being a little gay for each other, I'm just saying that this weekend?  They act a little gay for each other.  I guess it's not entirely their fault.  They're engaging in a sport (or is it a game?) in which the equipment used are balls, shafts and head.

A typical day on the course goes something like this.

"Hey come check out my new balls."

"Is that a new shaft?  I want."

"I'm outta balls, can I borrow one of yours?"

"Clean your head off before you swing.  It's dirty."

"I'm going to hit my balls with my shaft first, then I want to use yours."

"Is this your shaft?  You left it in the third hole."

"Too bad you're a lefty or I would whack my balls with your shaft."

"We'll use your ball; it has a better angle at the hole."

Oh don't look at me like I'm the dirty pervert.  They're the ones saying it, not me.

Fine, they don't say it quite like that.  But the sentiment is there.

While the husband has had a stimulating day of whacking his balls in holes with his shaft, I too, have had an orgasmic kind of day.

After spending eight hours pretending to look busy at work, I came home and started cleaning where I:

Fell down the stairs twice.

Fell up the stairs once.

Almost poked my eye out.

Cleaned up the remains of the dearly departed cousin of tampon bird which my dog had gotten from the trash and dragged all over the house.

Plucked my eyebrows.

And stalked a piece of paper for an hour.

Good times.

Tomorrow all the girls are getting together for our Girls Night aka Wine-and-Sex-A-Palooza, where we drink wine and share sex stories.  As I've discussed before, the ladies always walk away from this night with some very useful information.  Which is way better than what the boys take away from their weekend: nothing more than shaft envy.

The husband: Honey, I'm home.

Me: Did you have a good time?

The husband: Yes!  I perfected my golf swing.

Me:  That's nice.  I installed a sex swing.

Wine-and-Sex-A-Palooza beats HomoErotic Fest every time.

9 comments:

  1. ooo Wine-and-Sex-A-Palooza sounds like the best time ever!! I may have to um borrow this idea and start an event of my own here in the middle of the country!

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  2. Will you write about the sex swing? (please?)

    How do you fall *up* the stairs?

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  3. You crack me up. This was great! It reminds me of Tobias on Arrested Development and how he's always making really dirty sexual comments without being aware of it. If you haven't watched the show--you must! Totally your humor :) And mine too, for that matter. P.S. I don't know how these things are typically done, but I'm thinking we need to collaborate sometime with some guest posting business. I would love to have you write sometime for me! What say you?

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  4. OMG my husband isn't into golf but he and his friends play Dungeons and Dragons...at least in Golf it's just dirty sayings...in D and D its actual fake characters in love trysts, drag queens, and weird sex monsters...or at least I think that's what they do...HomoErotic Geek Fest 2011!

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  5. Oh my gosh, this is hilarious! We haven't twatted mush at each other recently (as if that *doesn't* sound dirty), so this post made me miss you. And want to come to one of your parties!

    Alison, it's ridiculously easy to fall up the stairs. I do it all the time. I think I have an actual disorder: http://thingsthatarenotbagels.blogspot.com/2011/05/three-things-i-might-wish-you-didnt.html

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  6. Given your recent cleaning adventures, I'm worried about you and the sex swing. Things could go horribly wrong. I suggest a helmet, knee pads, and elbow pads.

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  7. I'm with Momma Teacher Lady on this. Lol. Tho I have to wonder why your hubby would leave when you've installed a sex swing?? Hmmm...

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  8. Hahahahahaha!!! Love this! My fave line: "I'm going to hit my balls with my shaft first, then I want to use yours."

    Now I'm going to go read about tampon bird. :D

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