Thursday, July 28, 2011

Guest Poster In Da House!!!

You guys!!! I am literally beside myself with excitement!  I'm not exactly sure how one is beside herself, but I can assure you, I am there.  I am hosting my first guest poster!

EEEEEEEE!!

When I met this amazing HILARIOUS woman at She Writes, it was one of the best days of my life.  I have mentioned her several times before.  She is...

Laura from Catharsis!

And the crowd goes wild.

The first post I read of hers had me peeing from laughter.  And then I read Balls, Box and Other Baseness about how she and her husband are the epitome of maturity (snort!) and I knew she was somethin special all right.

But her awesomeness does not end there.  She started the Witty Women community, of which I am a proud member.  When I joined, I hit her up on the twitter and was all, "I joined.  Where's my prize?"

Her response?  "Check your ass."

I was smitten.  I knew we would be Best Friends Forever Ever.  Laura aka @lauramiri is also responsible for all the vagina kicking that goes on at the twitter.

So without further ado, let's all welcome Laura from Catharsis!
Image via Wikipedia

Of Flags and Pornography

Dear Neighbor,

This is embarrassing. I know we don't know each other very well, but I feel it's important for us to get some things out in the open.

About the other day. Look, I know you think you know what you heard and saw. But that's totally not it. Totally. Please, just give me a minute of your time, and I'm sure you'll see things from our perspective.

You see, those signs plastered around the neighborhood with our pictures on them? So. Not. True. For one, we are NOT bigots. Not at all. Sure, we may be uninformed about a few things, but the accusation that we are homophobic is complete nonsense. And as for that visit from CPS? I assure you. We are NOT showing our son pornography and encouraging him to call passersby explicit names. That pornography is not for him, no matter what that social worker's official report suggests.

See, my son, my three year old, he has a bit of a speech impediment. He has a hard time saying his L's. A reawy, reawy hard time. It's not a big deal. I mean, he is only three. Should correct itself in time. But this speech impediment? It's responsible for that catastrophe problem slight misunderstanding last weekend. Yeah. That nice family out for a stroll? They've got it wrong. All. Wrong.

What everyone else thought was, "Hey! Daddy, look! A fag! A fag! Daddy, there's a fag! Over there! See it? Do you see that fag, Daddy? Do you SEE THAT FAG?!" was NOT in reference to that nice gentleman's sexual orientation. Really, it was in reference to his lovely flag. The lovely, patriotic flag he enjoys carrying on his person whilst strolling. See, no fags here.

And what the neighborhood thought was, "And that cock! Mommy, look at that cock! That cock right there! The cock on the sidewalk! Look, Mommy! A cock! That cock! That COCK ON THE SIDEWALK!" was in NO WAY in reference to that nice man's son. No. Way. In actuality, my son was talking about that son's clock. The clock he brought with him to time his stroll. The one he laid on the sidewalk while he tied his shoe. Clock. So, again, cock-free over here.

And the nice man's wife? My husband accidentally slipped and punched her nose. It WAS NOT intentional. It was merely an outgrowth of high tensions, and that's ALL. That's precisely what you should say to the detective next time he stops by. Pure. Accident. Nothing to be concerned about. Won't happen again. Promise.

Really, what I'm saying is, it's okay to revoke that restraining order and remove the bars from the windows. You have nothing to worry about from us. Honest.

Sincerely,

Your Completely Sane Neighbors

P.S. Are we still on for that play date?

Liked what you read?  Of course you did!  Visit Laura at Catharsis for more awesome hilarity, become a follower and hit her up on the twat: @lauramiri

Thanks so much Laura!  Love you, my vagina kickin sister!

10 comments:

  1. Hahahahahaha!!! Absolutely brilliant Laura!! Loved this.

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  2. Pure awesomeness, she is! Loved it!

    Mandi
    Smile and Mama With Me

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  3. You guys are too funny! I love your sense of humor. I laughed out loud. Sure wish I did it more often but not everything is very humorous nowadays, except the likes of you! Thanks for the smile and hilarious writing. You two rock!!!!!

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  4. Hahahaha! This kind of stuff has happened with my two year old daughter. She had several different words that, when pronounced in her sweet language, sounded very crude and, um, "mature." Why these were the words she insisted on repeating and saying louder and louder with each breath, I don't know. Perhaps we need to screen our TV a little more. Kids say the darndest, huh? Really enjoyed this piece!!

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  5. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! This reminded me of an incident we once had with Gavin at Meijer . . . Priceless!

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  6. LOVE. My oldest son... used to to exclaim "Look mama! A WHORES! WHORES MAMA LOOK!" Every time he saw a HORSE somewhere. It let to some fairly nasty stares...

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  7. Awesome! I'm gonna go check her out at her place too!

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  8. Aahh! Back from a week-long camping trip, and this is what I find. Thanks for the love! And thank YOU for hosting me as a guest poster!!!! I loved it!!!!!!

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  9. Well, what a hoot. I'm sure with the raging success of your first guest post you won't stop here! Glad I popped by!

    Denise

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  10. Thank you for documenting the awesomeness of chicken nugget Wednesdays and the amazing sauce!!

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.