Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Go Away Morning People

Wednesday has quickly become one of my most favorite days of the week.  Not because of all the humping but because it's WTF Wednesdays!

Before we get to today's post, I have a very exciting announcement...

I am going to host a linky link ba-dink a link! (sort of like a honky tonk ba-donk a donk except with less country music.) I hope no one thinks I'm trying to take advantage of another linky by whoring my own.  I'm not.  I just really wanted to announce my linky today, which happens to be Wednesday, a day I really enjoy participating in the WTF linky.  You know what, if anyone does think I'm shamelessly whoring, WTF ever.  My body!  My choice!  Or something like that.

I suppose I should say I'll be hosting my very first linky, assuming I can figure out how to install the Linky Tool. And you know what they say about assumptions - they make everyone look like an ass.

The topic of the linky? Your Most Embarrassing Moment. Because those incidents that cause us to hide under the table, haunt our thoughts in those final moments before sleep and make us want to bash our heads against a wall to induce amnesia should be forever immortalized on the internets.

When is the linky taking place? Monday, July 18th. So start thinking, start writing, tell EVERYONE you know, and link up next week!

Crap. This means I'm going to have to figure out how to create a badge, doesn't it. Oh technology, why doth thou hatest me!

Onward to today's post!

WTF is up with having to go to work?  Sure it's nice being able to afford food, and toilet paper, but WHY T.F. do I have to start earning those things at the ungodly hour of any-time-before-noon-o-clock?  WHYYY????

FURTHERMORE, WTF is up with morning people?  Because there are ten of us doing the job of hundreds, I just saw you clowns no less than four hours ago.  Is it really necessary to be all, "hello! good morning! howdie doody!"  HELL NO!  And Ex-cuuuuse me for not responding with a chipper, "top o' the marnin' to ya!"  Unlike you, I don't fart glitter and poop rainbows in the morning, so get the EFF outta my way until I've had least eighteen cups of coffee.  Better yet, just get the EFF outta my way, period.

While we're talking about morning people, WTF is up with them calling me at six o' clock in the A.M. and being completely shocked, and a little condescending might I add, that I haven't been up for hours bouncing around my house like a schizophrenic squirrel on crack. 

"You're still asleep?!"

Still asleep?  I had just managed to dose of before you so rudely called me and told me something that could positively not wait until several hours from now.  Something involving you crocheting a tiny hat for your stuffed giraffe that you won at the county fair where Bobby McSloberton tried to kiss you but then you were rescued by Frankie McSpankypants who was your first kiss, but he didn't kiss you that night cuz how unromantic would that be, he waited six weeks and you positively thought you were going to die and...WTF ever.  I'm going to sleep. 

Do you see me calling you at 2:00 a.m. and being all, "You're in bed?  What a lazy piece of monkey poo you are!  Speaking of poo, do you have your phone nearby cuz I'm going to text you a picture of my latest bowel movement and I dare you to tell me it isn't shaped like a heart. You and me, Best Friends Forever ever."

No, I do not do that.  It's called consideration, people.  And by the way, I would never text a picture of poo to you, I'd send it to your email with the subject To You, From Me, With Love.  And I'd most likely draw a picture of cupid shooting an arrow through it, or maybe add chains like it's a locket we could wear around our necks, but there's only one so I'd have to...

WTF? Am I honestly talking about poo locket necklaces?  Do you see what you've done morning people?!  If I lose followers over this, there will be HELL to pay!

Speaking of people who are out of their damn minds, WTF is up with morning people who exercise?  Why hasn't the government done something about this?  Clearly these people are aliens.  I recommend we strap them to a chair, stuff their faces with Twinkies and send their asses back to Uranus.  Get it?  Your Anus?

Hahahaha!  Fine, it's not that funny.  But I'm writing this at 10:00 a.m., four hours before my ideal wake up time.  WTF do you expect?


  1. Sunshiney morning people are the reason I quit working to stay at home.

    Little did I know my son would be an early riser and a bit of a tornado in the mornings.

  2. They're about to be the reason I quit mine. And I cannot imagine the energy required to tame a tornado in the morning. Mothers are truly remarkable.

  3. OMG! I completely agree! I'm up waaaaay earlier than I had planned on because my morning person of a boyfriend decided we should go to the park to find his disc he lost yesterday playing disc golf... Really??? I enjoy my sleep thank you very much. I don't like functioning on 4 hours. I need a new coffee maker so I can be less of a biatch when I do wake up in the morning. We should start a fundraiser for this. No one wants to be around if I wake up early, I'm not nice...

  4. Embarrassing moment? How do I just pick the one?

    Who the hell is calling you at 6am? Is it an emergency? It's GOING to be.

    Anyway, I hate people, I like your poo necklace idea, but please don't send me one.


  5. I'm a morning person. However, that does not mean I accept calls before 10 AM. My family is especially guilty of this since they live in a time zone 4 hours earlier than mine. Hi, 10 AM your time is only 6 AM my time. Figure it out!

  6. I think the phone should be banned. Period. We have email, it's obsolete!

  7. I'm a morning person. But, I'm not condescending or even interested in other people in the morning. I promise, no Howdy Doodies unless you call me. Then, oh called.

  8. fyi, I totally fart glitter.

    p.s. since I can't e-mail you back (no-reply - WHAAAA!) the cookie jams? Target baby! Aw Yeah! online. And cheap. WTF!

  9. I have never understood those crazy ass morning people. Don't talk to me until the sun is at the top of the sky. Don't ever call me at 6am either. WTF.


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