Thursday, July 21, 2011

Excuse Me Ma'am, But I Think You Dropped Something

This blog is about to go to new places.  Namely?  My vagina.  You've been warned.

Currently, according to a statistic I just made up, there are 69 different types of birth control on the market.  SIXTY.  NINE.  I'm sensing a theme here. 

Of those, 64 are hormone related.

I don't do hormones, because honestly.  Have you met me?  I have plenty of hormones.

She looked at me like I'd just asked to lick her face and responded by trying to push the pill on me again, but I was all, "My vagina!  My choice!"

For those of your unfamiliar with a diaphragm, imagine those balls at the McDonald's playground, only less colorful and more "hey, wouldn't it be fun to stick me in your vagina?" Cut it in half and insert a springy rim and you have yourself a diaphragm.  Kinda.

You know what?  Here's a picture:

Exciting right?  You Have No Idea.

You're supposed to fill the diaphragm, who will henceforth be known as Gertie, because anything getting that up close and personal with my junk must have a name, with a bunch of gunk called spermicide, meant to destroy the hordes of sperm rushing to your uterus, DESTINATION: EGG.

Seriously, can you imagine anything more terrifying than a being sweet little egg, minding your business, bouncing round the walls of your uterin home and suddenly hearing a big whooshing sound, like a toilet flushing and next thing you know Oh Shit! What is that?  Tadpoles?!  How the hell did they get in here?!  Go away!  Go away!  But they don't go away and they keep racing straight for you intent on burrowing their squirmy little selves inside of you without even buying you a drink first.  Honestly.  Men.

Just remember, your night of fun is someone else's home invasion.

Since I wasn't planning on having sex right there in the exam room, there was no need for the sperm killer and apparently my doctor thought there was also no need for lubricant, because nothing says I'm aroused and ready to go like stirrups and a vagina swab.

Step right up, folks!  Fun times straight ahead!

She unceremoniously inserted and removed Gertie in my lady business and then was all, "Now you do it," like it was some sort of dare and left the room.

Um, okay.  No problem.  I got this.  But not literally or anything, cuz remember when I said the ring was springy?  Think Mexican Jumping Bean on insane amounts of crack.  Pinching the sides together is an absolute must in order to launch Gertie through the vagina canal and dock her safely at the cervix.


Assuming you actually get it in there.  Which, you guys!  Heed my advice.  If you're ever attempting to ram an object up your vagina for the first time, I suggest being as drunk as possible.  It will not make said ramming easier, quite the contrary probably, but it will dull the pain of being smacked in the junk every time the little sucker springs from your grasp right before entry.

After treating my vagina like a veritable punching bag for half hour or so, Gertie finally decided to go on in (honestly, was she expecting a formal invitation?) and I managed to position myself back on the table, all spread-eagled-check-me-out like right before my gyno came back in.

Gyno: So how'd it go?

Me: Well, she, I mean it, is in.  But I'm pretty sure there isn't room for anything else in there.

Gyno: Let's have a look-see.

Me: By all means.  Please do.

She donned one of those helmets with the light and rooted around like she was mining for coal.  Try your best not to visualize that analogy.  It will make your head explode.

Gyno: Are you dumb or just an idiot?

Me: Is this a trick question?

Gyno: You did it wrong.  Try again.

In order to explain this good and proper like, allow me to introduce visuals.

Of course my gyno didn't offer me any helpful drawings showing me where Gertie should finally end up. I just kept shoving her further and further in until "Houston, we have contact."

I may or may not have done a bare-assed happy dance complete with heel clicks and jazz hands.  Seriously y'all, good times were had.

The gyno came back, took a look and was all, "good job!"  And I was very proud cuz I'm a people pleaser.

"Now take it out," she said and left again.

Oh I WILL...not.

Bitch did not want to leave!

Listen Gertie, I've heard my vagina is the place where dreams come true, but you can't be in there all the time.  It's like Disney World.  It's magical because you only go once or twice a year, if you're lucky.  If you go ever day, it loses its enchantment.  Despite the husband's opinions to the contrary.  He would prefer to go every day, but I'm like "do you have any idea how expense Disney World is these days?!"

I'm not positive, but I think that analogy just made me a prostitute.  And last time I checked?  I give my shit away for free.  Not my SHIT shit, cuz ew.  My VAGINA shit.  EWWW!

Fasten your seatbelts folks, cuz this train be de-railin'.

Does anyone remember what we were talking about?

Ah yes, excavating Gertie from my vagina.  VAGINA.  Hee hee, that's a funny word.  Not only would being drunk have come in handy, so would a vacuum or anything with a enough suction to counter-act the raw magnetism with which Gertie and my vagina - which at this point honestly deserves a Lucy! and they could have their own show: I Love Gertie and Lucy! It'd be a Laverne and Shirley/I Love Lucy hybrid.  or not. whatever.  i'm blogging, there is wine, you do the math - were attracted to each other.

Unfortunately my gyno's office did not have a vacuum cleaner so I was left to my own devices to get that thing out before my doctor came back in, cuz there was no way I was going to let her know I'd failed again.  In order to get it out, you need to hook your finger under the rim and quite simply, pull it out.   But Gertie was all, "Nuh uh.  You wanted me in. I'm stayin in."

I tried everything: jumping up and down, throwing myself into the wall in an attempt to dislodge it, turning my head and coughing, bearing down and pushing - it wouldn't be the first time I'd gotten something out of Lucy that way, and I'm not talking baby.  Haha.  Kidding.  Not really.

I was running out of time.  My gyno would be back soon.  I could not fail.

I went in one last time.  Miracle of miracles, I broke the seal. Hooked my finger under the rim.  And tugged.  And pulled.  And yanked.  And tugged and pulled and yanked some more.  The suction finally gave way after one put-your-back-into-it yank and Gertie came flying out of my vagina like a bullet from a gun, blazed through the air and landed across the room.

Wo-ah shit!  Did anyone just see that?

I ran across the room to retrieve Gertie, did a quick scan of the area to make sure my cervix hadn't gone with her and hopped back on the table just in time.

Gyno: Did you get it out?

Me: I sure did.

She was proud.  I was happy.  And Gertie?  Well she didn't say it, but I could totally tell it was the best damn day of her life.

You know how sometimes, you write a post and as soon as you hit PUBLISH you think, "I'm totally going to regret this?"  This is not one of those times.  

Liked what you read?  Of course you did!  Then hit the little follow button.  It would make me so happy to see your face there.  Don't want to wait hours upon hours for my next post?  Follow me on twitter @sarcasmgoddess and get minute by minute vagina action.  I also talk about bacon a lot.  And sausage.  It's exactly as awesome as it sounds.


  1. I did not do the math but I'm pretty sure the word vagina was in the post about a dozen times at least.

    You rock.

    How's Gertie?

  2. Ahahaha! I love you! Sadly, Gertie died in a tragic accident. I enjoyed three blissful years with her and then she exploded.

  3. Okay, so if it wasn't already too late I think this post would have made me stay a virgin.

    I think I'll send it to my fourteen year old daughters, thank you :)

  4. So, judging from your MS Paint pics....your vagina is HUGE!

    Might want to add the "Not to scale" disclaimer.

    Just saying.


  5. Yes, VAGINA is a funny word. I've encouraged my daughter to say Va-J-J insted.

    You do realize this ws all totally TMI, right?

    But really funny too!

  6. Am I really the only one who's going to say what we ALL are probably thinking? *sigh* Ok, here goes....


  7. lol. gertie exploded??? like in the microwave???

  8. I think you are now my favorite person.
    Your drawings totally rock btw!

  9. BWAHAHAHAHA. Trampoline in the uterus - that must be why I cramp.

    Awesome. I love you.

    In college, one of my roommates had a diaphragm. You know how I know? Because she wrapped it in my other roommate's washcloth. Share and share alike?

  10. My God, girl. Just go on the pill, take the dark facey splotches, and get on with your life. This Gertie nonsense is too much trouble. You're going to end up with a cavernous tunnel there if you keep shoving Gertie in and out like that. Unless you already HAVE a cavernous tunnel, which, judging by the doctor's need for a headlight and rooting position, may be the case. No judgment here. I've had a doctor elbow deep in my shit trying to get a baby out, so, cavernous doesn't even begin to describe it.

    Vagina. Vagina, vagina, vagina. Why is it so damn FUN to say?

    You know what? On second thought, keep using Gertie. You get to say vagina a lot that way.

  11. Apparently the Bloggess has a vagina that's 8 miles wide. That's what I hear anyway.

    I am not a hormone type birth controller either. In fact, that's how we got my second son. (Kidding. Kind of.) I do how ever use a Diva Cup and it sounds scarily the same. Drawings and all.

  12. That totally reminded me of the time I tried to use one of those "menstrual cups." Oh yeah, I did. I realized when it was far too late that I had scheduled our 15th anniversary trip to the Virgin Islands right smack in the middle of aunt flo. So, I was like, hmmm....and I tried it. Oh.... It was awful. Fortunately, I practiced before the trip and discovered that I have an anteverted uterus, and the fact that I got it out at all was nothing less than a miracle. OUCH. So, I embraced my monthly woman happy time in all its glory and enjoyed the trip anyway. Fuck. This comment had no point whatsoever.

  13. Well, shit, we all know our vaginas have super powers.

  14. There is truly nothing cooler than hand drawn pictures of a vagina.


  15. Bahahaha!!! I've never used a diaphragm but now I'm intrigued!! This is probably the funniest thing I've read in ages. I can just see you trying everything to get that out: lasso, magnet, harpoon gun.

    We need more twat conversations, they have disappeared...

  16. This is one of my most favorite blog posts I have ever read. Thank you.

  17. You are hilarious. and such a funny writer!

    Have you used a Diva cup??


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