I, too, was disturbed by this revelation.
But is the only explanation I can come up with as to why people give me such weird looks at the grocery story.
Either that or I have teeth growing from my forehead or the side of my cheek. That can happen, you know.
I always thought I looked like a pretty regular person. Not too sexy, not too heinous. On the sexy-heinous scale I think I fall directly in the middle.
Pretty normal looking, right? I thought so too. But apparently, to everyone else, I look like this:
Or possibly this:
That's pretty scary if you ask me. I mean seriously, there's a f*ckin bird on my head. I would run far far away if I saw someone who looked like that. But it's not even that people run away, they just give me a look. A mixture of confusion and disgust. Like perhaps I just relieved myself in the middle of the produce section.
Granted, I have been known to pee at the most inopportune times. Like in front of my entire senior class.
Um, yeah, that might have happened. Or not. You never really know with me.
It is possible that it's all in my head. The weird looks thing. Not the peeing at inopportune times thing. Unfortunately, that's for real. Or should I say, fortunately that's for real. It's all about perspective, people.
It's entirely possible I'm just paranoid. I have been known to dabble in the paranoia. Add it to my list of many issues.
It can be hard to determine if someone is actually a Full Blown Paranoid, or just suffers from An Isolated Incident. Fortunately for you, for the world, I've developed this handy dandy quiz to determine where you fall on the paranoia spectrum.
Instructions: It's pretty simple. If you answer yes to the question, circle yes. If you answer no, circle no. I mean, don't literally circle yes or no cuz then you'd have circle marks all over your computer screen and that would annoying later on because duh. (Honestly, I shouldn't have to explain these things.) Also? I'm pretty sure the government comes after you for shit like that. They're always watching you, you know? Always. No really, AL - WAYS.
1. Do you tell your husband not to leave tile in the bed of his truck in case someone comes by in the night, steals it and uses it as a weapon to kill someone, making your husband guilty of involuntary manslaughter?
2. Do you worry that the reason the person in the car in front of you is slowing down is so they can shoot you?
3. Do you worry that the reason the police officer in front of you stopped and turned around did so in order to shoot you?
4. Do you think that basically everyone you come in contact with throughout the day wants to shoot you?
5. Are there certain things you won't talk about with your husband over the phone because you know "they" are listening?
6. Do you get out of your car, walk into the store and worry that you are spontaneously naked? Do you look down to make sure that you still have clothes on? Do you think that maybe your eyes are deceiving you, that although you appear to be wearing clothes you are, in fact, naked? Do you run your hand over your body to make sure you feel clothes, not just see them?
Yes, yes, yes and yes No, no, no and no
7. Do you worry that, as you are feeling for clothes, you will be arrested for inappropriately touching yourself in public?
8. Do you think that the weird old guy at the grocery store who looks down at your pointy shoes, back up at you, down at your shoes, back up at you, etc., etc., etc. with a look of bewilderment and disgust is a serial killer whose "thing" is to kidnap and kill women with pointy shoes?
9. When your husband tells you that a potential client has invited him to play golf, do you interpret "play golf with us" to mean "come to our lair where we will kill you?"
10. Do you put together a very helpful quiz to help people determine if they are paranoid and worry that people are going to think you are a total psycho?
If you answered "yes" to one of these questions, you suffer from an isolated incident of paranoia and probably do not have teeth growing out the side of your cheek. Congratulations.
If you answered yes to 2 - 5 questions, you are paranoid. And also probably an alien
If you answered yes to more than 6 questions, you are straight-up crazy. And also an alien with teeth growing out of every surface of your slimy green skin.
If you are not already doing so, you should start blogging right away.
That was helpful, yes?
You guys wanna guess how many times I answered no? I'll give you a hint, it was less than one.