Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Well This is Unfortunate

I cannot say with absolute certainty, but I can say with a reasonable amount of certainty that I am an alien.

I know.

I, too, was disturbed by this revelation.

But is the only explanation I can come up with as to why people give me such weird looks at the grocery story.

Either that or I have teeth growing from my forehead or the side of my cheek. That can happen, you know.

I always thought I looked like a pretty regular person.  Not too sexy, not too heinous.  On the sexy-heinous scale I think I fall directly in the middle.

Pretty normal looking, right?  I thought so too.  But apparently, to everyone else, I look like this:

 Or possibly this:

That's pretty scary if you ask me.  I mean seriously, there's a f*ckin bird on my head.  I would run far far away if I saw someone who looked like that.  But it's not even that people run away, they just give me a look.  A mixture of confusion and disgust.  Like perhaps I just relieved myself in the middle of the produce section.

Granted, I have been known to pee at the most inopportune times.  Like in front of my entire senior class.


Um, yeah, that might have happened.  Or not.  You never really know with me.

It is possible that it's all in my head.  The weird looks thing.  Not the peeing at inopportune times thing.  Unfortunately, that's for real.  Or should I say, fortunately that's for real.  It's all about perspective, people.

It's entirely possible I'm just paranoid.  I have been known to dabble in the paranoia.  Add it to my list of many issues.

It can be hard to determine if someone is actually a Full Blown Paranoid, or just suffers from An Isolated Incident.  Fortunately for you, for the world, I've developed this handy dandy quiz to determine where you fall on the paranoia spectrum.

Instructions: It's pretty simple.  If you answer yes to the question, circle yes.  If you answer no, circle no.  I mean, don't literally circle yes or no cuz then you'd have circle marks all over your computer screen and that would annoying later on because duh.  (Honestly, I shouldn't have to explain these things.)  Also?  I'm pretty sure the government comes after you for shit like that.  They're always watching you, you know?  Always.  No really, AL - WAYS.

1. Do you tell your husband not to leave tile in the bed of his truck in case someone comes by in the night, steals it and uses it as a weapon to kill someone, making your husband guilty of involuntary manslaughter?

Yes   No

2.  Do you worry that the reason the person in the car in front of you is slowing down is so they can shoot you?

Yes   No

3.  Do you worry that the reason the police officer in front of you stopped and turned around did so in order to shoot you?

Yes   No

4.  Do you think that basically everyone you come in contact with throughout the day wants to shoot you?

Yes   No

5.  Are there certain things you won't talk about with your husband over the phone because you know "they" are listening?

Yes   No

6.  Do you get out of your car, walk into the store and worry that you are spontaneously naked?  Do you look down to make sure that you still have clothes on?  Do you think that maybe your eyes are deceiving you, that although you appear to be wearing clothes you are, in fact, naked?  Do you run your hand over your body to make sure you feel clothes, not just see them?

Yes, yes, yes and yes    No, no, no and no

7.  Do you worry that, as you are feeling for clothes, you will be arrested for inappropriately touching yourself in public?

Yes   No

8.  Do you think that the weird old guy at the grocery store who looks down at your pointy shoes, back up at you, down at your shoes, back up at you, etc., etc., etc. with a look of bewilderment and disgust is a serial killer whose "thing" is to kidnap and kill women with pointy shoes?

Yes   No

9.  When your husband tells you that a potential client has invited him to play golf, do you interpret "play golf with us" to mean "come to our lair where we will kill you?"

Yes   No

10.  Do you put together a very helpful quiz to help people determine if they are paranoid and worry that people are going to think you are a total psycho?

Yes   No

If you answered "yes" to one of these questions, you suffer from an isolated incident of paranoia and probably do not have teeth growing out the side of your cheek.  Congratulations.

If you answered yes to 2 - 5 questions,  you are paranoid.  And also probably an alien
I'm sorry.

If you answered yes to more than 6 questions, you are straight-up crazy. And also an alien with teeth growing out of every surface of your slimy green skin.
If you are not already doing so, you should start blogging right away.

That was helpful, yes?

You guys wanna guess how many times I answered no?  I'll give you a hint, it was less than one.


  1. Hahahahahaha!

    You're crazy but I love ya!

    I am an alien by the way.

  2. hahah:D
    you definitely make me smile:))
    love your blog<3

  3. You have the most beautiful cheek teeth I have ever seen. Your smiles brighten my day!

  4. I get those looks too and I love messing with people who give them. The plus side is I never have to wait in line everyone suddenly gets real nice and lets me go in front of them. Crazy has its advantages.

  5. 6&7 rock! ha ha ha ha!! I needed that.
    (and not because I relate...okay, maybe a little because I relate)

  6. hehe, i answered yes to one. I think it's more of a movie thing than an isolated incident...I will pass this on to my more paranoid friends....oh and anyone i know who smokes pot.

  7. There's no way I'm answering those questions and if I did, do you think I'm going to tell you? What are you going to do with the information anyway?
    I used to tell people I was an alien. The disturbing part was that everyone believed me.
    And what may I ask is wrong with having a bird on your head?

    Arlee Bird
    Tossing It Out

  8. I get to worry about being paranoid along with the other stuff traumatizing my brain! Very funny post...and like Arlee, I'm workiing with that little blue bird nesting on your head.

  9. Oh my Gaaawwwwdddd. I'm paranoid AND an alien? Eeek.

  10. This post made me giggle as I realized I am not alone in my paranoia! Oh my goodness, it's good to know I'm not the only "alien!" :)

  11. This seriously made me laugh! Great post! And yeah, we're ALL aliens from other planets! At least, that's what my voices tell me. :) I came by way of RDC!

  12. Oh, my gosh! This was hilarious! You are hilarious! And I think you may also be in my head....are you in my head? Did you see my thoughts and then write this from my perspective? Or is it just my paranoia talking!?

    I may have answered yes more than 2 times...but I don't want to tell you in case this is a conspiracy.

    Great, hilarious post. Stopping by from RDC, and so glad I did. I'm going to be a follower now...just so I can keep an eye on you :)

  13. How is it you know these things about me? Are you watching me?

  14. apples and autobots.. LOL! You beat me to it!

    Stopping by on the trdc linkup, and hearing you, sister. straight up crazy and unpredictable!

  15. what?!?!
    i love the line about the "fucking bird on my head".... thank you for making me smile


I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.