Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Toughest Decision Ever

Women.  We're faced with tough decisions every day.  I would provide some examples of those decisions, but I am still recovering from the latest awful decision life thrust my way and consequently, my mind has emptied itself of all coherent thought.

I had two choices.  Neither of them was good.

I am a hoverer.  You know?  When using a public restroom.  You can spare me the lectures of why it is bad to do this: not fully emptying my bladder, contributing to UTI's...and not to mention hazards of another kind.  Hazards where you are forced to choose between two really horrible options.  No matter which you choose, it is going to end badly.

I was using the restroom at Borders and my stall was out of toilet paper.  This is usually the worst thing that can happen to a woman when using a public restroom.  It happened to me two weeks ago when the husband, some friends of ours and I were at a late movie.  I was the only one in the restroom and out of 20 stalls I, of course, select the one stall without T.P.  I drip dried as much as possible and then took my chances, and with my pants around my legs, ran into the stall next to me to "finish the process."

Yes, you read that right.  I ran (and I use that word loosely) bare-assed from one stall to the next in a public restroom with the chance that someone could walk in and see me.  What can I say?  I like to live dangerously.

Thankfully today, my S-I-L was in the stall next to me and could just hand me some paper.  Catastrophe averted right?  No chance of someone walking in and seeing my bare bottom as I scurry from one stall to the next.  There was no chance anything else could go wrong.  Right?


The single greatest hazard to hoverers?  Automatic flushing toilets.  Because sometimes?  They decide to flush while you are peeing.  Which is exactly what happened tonight.

There I was mid-stream and forced to make the split second decision: get splashed in my ya-ya with public toilet water or jump out of the way and pee on myself.

I chose?  Jump out of the way and pee on myself.  Yes, it was as awesome as it sounds.

Some of you are probably thinking, oh you poor girl, that's awful.  But can I tell you a secret?  You promise you won't tell anyone?  It'll just stay between us, right?

I'm kinda used to it.  This is not the first time I've peed on myself while hovering.  But the first time?  I can't even blame it on spontaneous flushing.  I just sorta got...distracted and the next thing I know my entire left pant leg Was.  Soaked.  And also?  I was at work.  I hadn't been working there very long so I was too uh, embarrassed?  Ashamed?  Horrified? To tell my co-workers I need to go home and change because I just pissed all over myself.  So I just went back to my desk and continued working.

Honestly, you can't teach this kind of awesome.  You're just born with it.

So ladies, what would you have done?  Get splashed in your ya-ya with toilet water or pee on yourself?


  1. Ugh, that is sooo horrible!!! I don't know if I could choose between the two. However, I have a really strong olfactory sense so I couldn't stand the pee on myself... I'd have to get splashed, at least I could dry it off and warm back up. The smell would stay with me all day...

  2. (laughing) Those are two evil choices all right. Having been faced with them in the past, I am now more likely to out without my wallet in my purse, than without a handy pack o' Kleenex in there for just just a dilemma.

  3. Wow, that's a dilemma. But as someone who pees herself on a regular basis (being old and having birth 3 kids in a relatively short span does that to a person) I'd have gotten splashed.

    Why? Something different. That's why.

  4. I've totally peed on myself. Its so awful, but yeah, given the choice I would do that over getting gross toilet water all over me and perhaps contract some disease. I have to say though, you have gumption. Guts. Cajones. I don't know that I would bare-ass stall hop. However, that could totally be a cool name for a blog hop: Bare Ass Stall Hop where we share the horrors that happen in public restrooms. What do you think?

  5. Hi,

    OH GOD, how awful! I avoid public toilets unless really desperate! But my bag is always bulked out with travel tissues and wipes. Although my girls are grown up and long since left home the "be prepared" angle has never left me. I won't even touch door handles without a tissue in hand. ;)


  6. The Mother-in- LawJune 8, 2011 at 7:42 AM

    The most routine things of life are such an adventure with you. I like the name for an ongoing blog called Bare-Ass-Stall-Hopping. It might be so funny I would pee my pants!

  7. Fortunately I was blessed with awesome holding powers. So I do not have to face these kind of life altering decisions. However in the unlikely event I did have to choose, I definitely see myself pissing down my leg. Those self flushing toilets are the work of satan I tell ya.

  8. Nooooo!!! I would have gotten splashed! Only because I wouldn't have managed to jump fast enough. Which is why I avoid public toilets. I actually have recurring nightmares of public toilets. Gah.

  9. I would have chosen getting splashed....at least that could have been dried (and washed off) and no one but me would know. Now, peeing on yourself, those images usually end up posted on the web somewhere!

  10. Ashley "sit don't squat" R.June 8, 2011 at 11:06 PM

    I wanted to leave a funny comment, but i feel the need to leave an educational one. Not cool, i know. It is also a logical one. Unfortunately your decisions are purely emotional in this case, and any good salesperson knows you cannot reason emotions with logic. But what the heck, you need to hear this! You are walkimg around in your own wee!!! Why are you forcing yourself to choose between these two options? I am very concerned. First, why aren't you just padding the seat with loads of toilet paper or seat covers. That solves two problems, 1) you find out immediately if there is tp, and 2) you protect yourself from the "germs" you are imagining are there. I repeat, your alternative is leaving you walking around in your own wee! Second, notice the second point above; you do know that you are just imagining the scary germs you go to such lengths to avoid, right? It' s science!!!!! Anyway, I love you no matter what, pee soaked pants and all.

  11. Splashed. Alcohol wipes at home if not full shower. Glass of wine (or 6) to erase scary health thoughts that follow.

  12. I would have jumped and prayed my Kegels were strong enough to stop myself from peeing on my leg. But I don't usually have this problem, because I am a public toilet sitter. I know, it's gross. I just try not to think about it and get my business done, because I have so many other things I'm already neurotic about.

  13. Urine is sterile. I have learned this from Bear Grylls, and he is very smart. Except for when he is giving himself oceanic enemas or drinking water that was encased in dried elephant dung.

    So either way? You can't really go wrong.

    I'd need a photo of the bathroom itself to decide on which I'd do. You know, determine levels of potential germiness.

    In japan, the toilets splash your undercarriage clean on purpose. How awesome is that?

  14. Ok, I'm working from home this morning and got distracted....of course. So I went on TRDC and found you! I knew I would like you, because some of your followers are MY followers/twitterfriends. After I read this, I KNOW I like you. Awesome!


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