Tuesday, June 28, 2011

This One Time, I Was On An Island, And I Had To...

Warning: this post has the potential to horrify you. Do not read if easily horrified.  If you do read and end up horrified, well then, that's your own fault, isn't it?

I'm debating whether to tell you guys about my most mortifying moment(s) or the most disgusting thing I ever did.  It wasn't disgusting for me, just A-Day-In-The-Life, but it was probably pretty disgusting for those future unsuspecting campers.

Oh look, a robin.

Wow it's really red.

What brilliant feathers.  

Is that...it looks like blood.

Is it injured?

What the...

Is that a...

No, it couldn't be.  How'd it get way out here?

I'm goin' in for a closer look.

Oh!  My eyes!

Who would do that?!  Sick.  Really really sick.

In my defense, I was on an island.  Without a bathroom.  What else was I supposed to do with the tampon?  Sure bury it, is the obvious, and unimaginative, choice.  Granted, when I flung it through the air like a beautiful bird in flight, I didn't intend for it to lodge just so between the branches of the tree-I-don't-know-the-name-of-but-will-now-be-forever-known-as Tampon Tree.  Seriously, people.  I am talented, but I couldn't do that if I tried. (I have attempted to re-enact that scene no less than 100 times, and never once have I even come close to repeating it.  In related news, my neighbor is becoming very verklempt by all the tampons mysteriously appearing under the oak tree in his front yard.  "Do you know anything about this?" he asked me, because apparently I look like the girl who would know something about mysteriously appearing tampons.  "Looks like a Christmas miracle to me," I responded.  "Except, you know, it's June and instead of a Christmas tree it's and oak tree and instead of a miracle it's a bunch of tampons.  But oh!  They still have the string!  You could hang them from the tree!  Insta-ornaments and recycling all in one!"  He was not amused and surprisingly unappreciative that I just handed him the next billion-dollar idea.  Ungrateful asshat.)

What were we talking about?

Ah yes, the delightful children's tale A Tampon in the Woods.

It really was quite lovely, displayed there at eye-level - as any proper work of art should be - reminiscent of the Mona Lisa or Monet's Water Lilies.  Or perhaps it more closely resembled the works of Van Gogh in that once people saw it, they wanted to cut off their ear, and by that I mean, gouge out their eyes.

Look at me and my dramatics.  Is there anything more natural than taking your children on a hike through the woods and spotting the rare, hardly seen, but deeply sought after Tampon Bird?  Those kids will grow up to be conservationists.  Or possibly serial killers.  Either way, their parents will be proud, right?

What did I do after I lodged the tampon in the tree?

Turned to the one who has all the answers - the husband - and exclaimed with wide-eyed wonder and abandon - yes, just like those kids on Christmas morn - "what should I do?!

The husband: Meh.  Leave it.  It's not the most disgusting thing you've ever done.

Me: Whatever do you mean?!

The husband: Don't tell me you forgot about the time your uterus exploded all over the Pottery Barn bathroom.

Me (slapping hand to forehead): Oh, how could I forget!...Wait!  How do you know about that?  That doesn't happen until years later.  Oh my bloody tampon, are you from the future?!  Will I grow up to have big boobs and long shiny locks.  Will my skin remain tight, my ass upright, and be able to party all night? Ooh, am I going to be a poet? Tell me, oh wise husband from the future.

The husband: Pull your pants up and let's go.

Me: Are all husbands from the future so bossy?

The husband: A bug's about to crawl up your ass.

Me: Well good for him!  Or maybe it's a her.  How do you tell the gender of a bug?

The husband:...

Me: Fine.

And so I (rather begrudgingly) pulled up my pants, bidding my tampon a "farewell" and a "hope to see you soon," but in a "from a distance" kind of way not a "hey, come on in" kinda way.  Obviously.

Sometimes when life is particularly stressful, or depressing, or lacking in art, I like to think of my little Tampon Bird, nestled cozily in its little Tampon Tree bringing unsuspected joy to hundreds of campers, hikers, boaters, and the like.  I just can't help but smile.  My little gift to the world.  My way of spreading joy.  Bringing hope.  Giving Back.

Up until today, I have never shared this story with anyone.

Not because it's disgusting.

But because I like to do my charity work, anonymously.

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This post is linked to http://freefringes.com/2011/06/28/lovelinks-12-open/   Ooh aah!

and...

30 comments:

  1. Rendered speechless. I think you may have actually grossed me out, a feat I though impossible up until acquiring a mental image of a Playtex-sport-spattered bird.

    Gak.

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  2. This is a good note for my future self to never take a vacation to a bathroomless island with you.

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  3. Wow. Just wow. Note to self: never be left in the wilderness with you. ;)

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  4. Hhahhaaahahhahahahaaa.

    Tell us which Island! Treasure hunt!

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  5. Good thing I had my lunch earlier or I would have lost my appetite.

    I love you and all, but I wouldn't want to live next door to you. You know, seeing as my toddler MIGHT ACTUALLY TRY TO PLAY with tampon birds.

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  6. I'm neither horrified nor mortified or disgusted, but I'm rather amused. Visiting from Lovelinks!

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  7. I would have enjoyed The Time Traveler's Wife so much more if THIS had been a scene.

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  8. Hahahahahaha horrifyingly hilarious!!!

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  9. Ew.

    Here from lovelinks. Thanks for linking up!

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  10. Ba ha ha! I suddenly feel far better about my dog dragging my bloody tampon out into the living room and ripping it to shreds all over the carpet in front of company. On multiple occasions. Yeah, I KNOW, I should put the garbage can on the counter. Whatever.

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  11. I had to change my panties that was so frigging fantastically funny. Sick, slightly demented, sure! But I like that.

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  12. LMAO! I had a cat that liked to get at the Tampon birds (luckily, the unused ones) and sneak them into the living room to publicly dismember.

    Poor guys. Nothing like the face of a guy during writers critique group leaning over, "Oh, look, your cat's playing with a..." and then turning as red as a used one.

    It's a very good thing men don't have to deal with this kind of thing every month, I think they would commit mass suicide, they're so easily embarrassed.

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  13. This is in fact mildly disturbing. But it still made me laugh.

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  14. I've never thrown a tampon like a grenade through the air though I do remember one Seafair event in Seattle...(a huge hydroplane race and basically a free-for-all drunken fest on Lake Washington) I happened to bring my fiance, a foreigner, to the event. It was hot and he dove into the water only to surface with a used tampon stuck to his forehead. Needless to say, we never attended in the festivities again. You, my dear, are a wild woman. Great post!!!!

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  15. Came over from love links and am rendered speechless - which I think was your goal so well done on that achievement! I love the impish quality and since reading it will make me more awesome I better follow too.

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  16. That is absolutely disgusting and absolutely something that would happen to me.
    Kindred tampon spirits.

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  17. That is absolutely disgusting and absolutely something that would happen to me.
    Kindred tampon spirits.

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  18. Oh yeah, that was pretty disgusting. Thanks for the visual.

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  19. I already became more awesome by only reading your last post!! ;)

    I got here through the lovelink n.12

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  20. Ok, so I found that really funny...does that make me weird. I, however have to tell you that your story is not even half as gross as the one I long to tell in my blog, but sadly have not the courage to post! So cheers to you, brave (tampon) warrior!

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  21. OMG, I laughed so hard at this post. I give you props for having the guts to tell it in cyberspace, lol. The parts with your husband are especially funny - mine would never be that cool. He'd have freaked out.

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  22. LMAO! this is too funny.

    the husband dialog also made me crack up, i wish i was that clever on the fly

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  23. Ok, it posts at 10 am tomorrow...look out! Thanks for the encouragement!

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  24. Hilarious AND disgusting.

    Well done. : )

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  25. Most good stories should include a tampon. It could replace TPing as a juvenile prank if they weren't so damn expensive.

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  26. shut the front door!!!! you like to do your charity work anonymously! HA! Hilarious!

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  27. Ha! Ha! 'Joyful' Yes, That Is The Word : ) My kind of Gal!

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  28. The Mother-in-LawJuly 1, 2011 at 3:20 PM

    I am so proud. My sweet daughter-in-law is going to be famous for a tampon bird. Her awesomeness grows by the minute.....as does the grossness of the mental picture of a
    tampon bird.

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  29. Genius. This is genius. We'd love to post it on Cheesy Bloggers (.blogspot) this week. If you're up for it, email us at CheesyBloggers@gmail.com. GENIUS!

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  30. Looks like a Christmas miracle to me! LOL. You realize tampon bird is probably black now, right? :)

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.