Friday, June 17, 2011

I've Entered The Vortex and I Can't Get Out

At approximately 9ish p.m. yesterday the earth shook, the sky turned black and a whole bunch of other really bad things happened.  Yep, I tweeted my first tweet.

For those of you not present for the blessed event I said...

@SarcasmGoddess:  I'm a twatter.  Now what?

Brilliant.  Just brilliant.

I followed that little gem with several tweets about twat manuals and a manual for twats and something about winning twitter.  I was all prepared, and tres excited, to send out countless tweets of inane twaterific nonsense.  It's taken me a year and a half to get 75 blog followers, so I figured it'd take me half as long to get well, half as many twitter followers.  (Math is hard!  That'swhatshesaid!  Um, no.) But then suddenly, I had followers!  And more followers!  Until I had twenty - one.  Twenty.  One.  


I could no longer say any nonsense that just popped into my head.  People were listening, or you know, reading.  I had to think long and hard (long and hard -bahahahahaha) about my tweets.  I am a writer, the written word is sacred.

What did I say?

Here's a taste (mmmm, yummy) of said sacredness:

@SarcasmGoddes: Just took my twats to the vet.  Twats = dogs.  Obviously.  Honestly, I shouldn't have to explain these things.


@SarcasmGoddess: Remember the day I bought those boots & threw them away before wearing them?  Yeah, me too.  That day sucked.

I'm expecting the Pulitzer any day now.

I pride myself on being a Serious Journalist and therefore feel it is my journalistic duty to describe Twitter to those of you non-twatters.  I think it can be summed up in one, albeit long, sentence.

Twitter is an orgy of mischievous crack addict honey badgers high on speed, with the occasional spider monkey throwing poo at the Chip N Dales in cowboy hats and ass-less chaps - and by Chip N Dales, I mean the cartoon chipmunks Chip and Dale, not the exotic dancers; obviously.


It's that awesome.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and I can't stop doing it.  I have been sucked in to the twitter vortex.  The twitortex.  And I can't get out.

If you're not following me on twitter, you're missing out.  Obviously.

If you're following me on twitter but not following my blog, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!

Sorry, that was the mischievous crack addict honey badger talking.


  1. Yay! I can get you sent to my phone now! Haha, yeah that's the next step in the world of twatting. My twat name is @MissAllieO I don't use it as much as I used to I go through phases. Speaking of which, I have internet back now so I should be on more often again!

  2. And yes, I really did get the nips pierced! I do have pictures to prove it but I'm not sure I want naked pictures of myself floating around the internet (yet). They hurt but not bad. Well, ok, the left didn't really hurt that much but oh god did the right one hurt!! It was the fifth hole I got in that one trip though so my nerves were on FIRE. Actually, getting them pierced makes them more sensitive to just about everything. The only thing I'm worried about is if I ever get pregnant. Can you imagine me shooting milk all over my house?!?!?! It would hilarious but awful to clean up. I hate milk, bleh.

    I will share our getting together story at some point. Gotta try to get some headway on this crazy photo challenge. Heh heh headway. Sorry couldn't resist. Speaking of drunken nights... you should definitely try some topless beerpong in a pool. With some randomass bartender that no one knows but one wants to bang lol. It was crazy! You would approve.

  3. Oh no!!! They got you too? Am I going to be the only non-twatter left on this planet? Or perhaps it makes me a twat not to twitter. Using twat and twitter in the same sentence sounds kinda... well... it sounds downright naughty! Have funt weeting you twit!

  4. Oh Twitter is a vortex. I even wrote a post all about it, titled "How @Twitter #RuinedMyLife. I don't wanna pimp my post in your comments, so I'll email it to ya :)

    And since you're a real Twatter now, may I suggest you download Tweetdeck or Hootsuite? You can keep track of tweets, tweeps and join all sorts of fun things like #wineparty!

    Oh and another thing? I totally think you would rock in a vlog. Check out this terrific vlog meme Vlogtalk

    It's FUN!

  5. I've just installed iStripper, and now I enjoy having the hottest virtual strippers on my taskbar.


I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.