Monday, June 20, 2011

If It Itches, Go To A Doctor

So yesterday was supposed to be my award show post, but those take me, like, fourteen hours to produce and I was tired so I decided to go to bed, but then I couldn't sleep so I watched 327 episodes of Oprah Behind the Scenes, the whole time thinking I should be blogging right now and how the hell do these people have so much energy? Answer: they are robots.

When there were no more Behind the Scenes to watch, I spent the next three hours trying to build a robot version of me out of PVC pipe, electrical tape, wheels from my old rollerblades and two D batteries. All was going fine until I started being mocked by my own robot: "D batteries? Really? Aren't you more like double A? No! Triple A! Hahahaha!" I had no choice but to destroy the bitch with a hammer, which was really quite tragic because I had finally gotten her hair to part just right.

As you can imagine, I was completely exhausted by the time I was finished with all that, and had only been asleep for approximately eight point two minutes when I was awoken by the husband screaming from the garage, "what the hell is all this green goo?!"  Robot blood, duh.  Honestly, sometimes it's exhausting being the only genius in this relationship.

I had all kinds of intentions of doing the award show today, but I have an exhaustion hangover so instead I figured I'd answer some of the questions frequently asked by you guys. And by "frequently asked" I mean "no one has ever asked these questions."

Why are you so awesome?
I'm pretty sure I've answered this several times in various posts, but since you guys have the attention spans of crickets, I'll say it ONE MORE TIME. I was born this way.

Will I ever be as awesome as you?
Keep reading my blog and maybe one day I'll tell you.  It's possible I will tell you sooner if you send me money or land me a book deal.

What is wrong with you?
A team of doctors, scientists, psychologists and gardeners (gardeners - wtf?) have been working around the clock for the last twelve and a half years to determine the answer. It's possible we'll never know the answer.

This has been itching for a week and now it's turning bright red and also starting to burn. Do you think it's infected?
Uh, ew. I'm not exactly sure what gave you guys the impression I'm a doctor. Perhaps it was the time I performed brain surgery on my neighbor's iguana, but seriously people, that was just an Isolated Incident of Surgery. More of a hobby really. And also? Last time I checked, an iguana is an animal which would make me a veterinarian.

Your blog is awesome, why don't you have thousands of followers?
I have no f*cking clue, but I blame the lizards.

You aint much fun since I quit drinking.
Although probably true, that's not exactly a question. In fact, I think it's a line in a Toby Keith song.

What is up with that guy in your office who doesn't know how to properly respond to an email?
I. Don't. Know. But if he picks up the phone and calls me one more time in response to a question I asked him VIA EMAIL, I am going to ninja kick him in the face. If any of you are ninjas, please contact me right away. I will pay top dollar for ninja kicking lessons.

Have you noticed that in your avatar picture thingy, you look a little cross-eyed?
Yes, I just noticed this the other day. This realization was almost as disturbing as the one that I am an alien.

You talk about peeing your pants a lot.
I'm sorry, did you have a question or just like stating the obvious?

Have many times have you actually peed your pants?
Probably several thousand times. I wasn't born potty-trained, you know. If you guys were, congratulations. Personally, I would keep that information secret if I were you. If NASA finds out they'll be all over your ass - or whatever - trying to perform experiments on you, cuz that's just not normal.

No, I mean how many times have you peed your pants as an adult?
Depends on the age you define as being an adult? If it's 25, then zero. If it's between the ages of nine and nineteen, then the answer is between zero and eleventy thousand.

What about the years between 19 and 25?
I am forbidden by the government to publicly talk about those years.

There are a lot of typos in your posts.
Yeah, and you smell like cheese.  You don't see me complaining do you?  Probably because I love cheese.

What is your favorite animal?
You know, now that I think about it, a person smelling like cheese is kinda gross.  In fact, the thought makes me dry-heave.  I may never be able to eat cheese again.  Thanks a lot.

What is your favorite color?
Badgers.  Specifically honey badgers.  But not the one named "Frederico," if that's even his real name.  That guy's a real asshole.

Where is your favorite place to vacation?
Blue.  I think I'm behind on the questions.

The WOOT WOOT dance the husband does when you get a new follower sounds awesome.  What do you think he has planned for when you reach 100 followers?
The husband is keeping this a closely guarded secret, but based on some notes I found and peering through the crack in the door of his office while he rehearsed, I'm fairly certain it will have something to do with fire, a ferris wheel, seven to ten spider monkeys, fake snow, a light show and feathers.  Lots and lots of feathers.

Well, that's it.  I think the first Q&A session went...okay, considering that you guys asked some really weird questions.  If you have more questions, leave them in the comments and I'll answer them sometime when I'm too lazy to write a real post.


  1. Paragraph 2 & 3 ROCK!!!! I was having so much fun reading them I almost peed MY pants. I think your incontinence may be contagious. Great post. Lots of freakin' laughs!!!!

  2. Wickedly funny. And that was even before I got to the Q&A. Thank you for Monday laughs.

  3. I want to know:

    What will YOU do when you reach 100 followers?

    And why the pink feathery mask?


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