Friday, June 24, 2011

If The Boss Evaluates My Work Performance Based on Tweets Per Hour, Then I'm Totally Getting a Raise

My yearly review at work is coming up.  Ugh.  As much as I'm not looking forward to it, I suppose it could be worse.  If I worked in p0rn, my review would include a vagina swab and an AIDS test.  Although if I worked in p0rn, a vagina swab and an AIDS test would be the least of my worries.  Topping the list would be, oh I don't know, the fact that I work in p0rn and also, trying to keep my pant legs dry as I waded through my mother's tears (why not just wear shorts?  because your vagina swallowing your inseam as you walk is not a good look for anyone).

#Iamnotapornstar  Hashtag?!  What are you doing here?  This isn't twitter!

Honestly, is there anything more full of bullshit than the employee self-evaluation?

How would you rate your work performance this year?

Hmm..let's see.  I sent an average of 127 tweets per day, read 8-10 blogs per day, which is just under my goal of 11-13, updated my facebook status four times a day, accomplished my goal of 500 tweets in one 40 hour work week (that one wasn't easy, let me tell ya.  missed the deadline for that Very Important Project and lost three important accounts in order to do it, but it's all about priorities, right?), licked raw chicken every Sunday night so I could honestly tell you I can't come in on Monday cuz my stomach is at war with my ass and woah you would not believe how far I can projectile vomit (I may be a colossal waste of company time, but I am not a liar!), perfected the art of banging on the keyboard, shuffling papers and frowning in concentration every time you walked by (you totally thought I was working, didn't you!), was mesmerized for six hours one day by an ant walking up my wall, spent a total of 19 days winding up my toy caterpillar Henry and watching him creep across my desk until he dive-bombed into my pen drawer (funny stuff! shit gets me every time), scheduled "doctor's appointments" at 3:30 every Friday (you would not believe how far I can hit my Driver now!  still missing some critical putts though.  i plan on rectifying that in the coming year by scheduling "doctor's appointments" at 3:30 on Thursdays), drew 12 pictures of monkeys, and illustrated the Lily Lemonade post in just under 10 hours (yeah, you totally paid me overtime that day.)  All in all, I'd say my work performance was excellent.

I'm not a boss, but if I were and I saw that evaluation, I'd give the employee a raise for being honest.  I mean, if you think about it, one day your boobs will touch your toes, your ass will resemble a bean bag chair, your skin will sag, your teeth will rot and your limbs will fall off (the hell?) but at least you'll have your integrity.

One area in which I did not score high on in last year's evaluation was "works well with others."  I can't say for sure, but I think it may have had something to do with the fact that I threatened to stab people in the knee cap if they didn't like my ideas or disagreed with me.  I've made a concerted effort to work on it over the last year, and to prove it, I'm going to have you guys help me fill out this year's self-evaluation form.  I will share the questions and my answers.  If you disagree with anything or think I've left something out, please leave your comments in the comments (ah, redundancy!).

Question 1
Job Summary and major responsibilities

You want me to tell you what I'm responsible for?  Shouldn't you know this?  I mean, you are the one who hired me to do all this shit I haven't been doing.   Seriously?  You're really going to make me do this?  Okay, here goes.  My major responsibilities on, I know this!  It has something to do with paper or maybe, uh, puppies?  No!  No hints!  I've totally got this.  I am responsible for...for...for...Huh.  How bout that?  I have no f*cking clue what I'm supposed to be doing here. 

Question 2
Attach your individual work plan for the past year and indicate which goals were met.  If some goals were not met, provide an explanation for each.
Individual work plan?  Is that kinda like a plan for work, as in the work we plan on doing?  This is a joke right?  Where's the hidden camera?  No one actually plans on doing work, right?  I know I didn't, and any work that I did do this year was done on accident.

Question 3
Were there additional or special accomplishments that were not in your job description or work plan that you completed?
Yes!  I drew a monkey yelling at a giraffe for stealing his banana stash.  Record blog traffic and comments that day.  And several new followers.  That was an epic day.

Question 4
What skills, talents, or knowledge helped you contribute most to the company's success?
Well, I'm very flexible.  I'm very good at making whipped cream adhere to certain body parts.  I have mastered the inverted octopus.  What?  You're not talking about my sexual skills.  Oh.  Well then I guess the answer is none.

Question 5
What aspect of your work are you most interested in or passionate about?
Bahahahahahahahahaha!  You're funny.

Question 6
How can we improve your work environment?
1. Leave me alone
2. Don't schedule meetings during peak tweeting hours
3. Don't schedule meetings during peak blog reading hours
4. Don't schedule meetings, period.
5. Get out of my office.
6. Don't touch shit on my desk.

The next 427 questions ask me to rate my quality of work, my productivity, my communication and teamwork, my attitude, my leadership, my blah blah blah who cares, on a scale of 1 to 5, but like with most work assignments, I've grown bored and have no intention of finishing.

What's my boss going to do?  Fire me?  Bahahahaha!  He's paid me this long to not do my job, why should this be any different?  Honestly, I watched an ant crawl up a wall for six hours and am amused by wind-up caterpillars.  These aren't skills you can just replace.  

Job security, bitches.  Job.  Security.


  1. I just shared this entry with a few work friends - they said it sounds like I wrote it =)

    Hilarious! Thank you for the afternoon laugh. I needed it.

  2. This is my first time I'm not sure if you really want my input or not. On the off chance that you do, I would say your answers are perfect as is. But I'm not someone who really cares about keeping jobs, so I might not be the one to ask.

    You know what? Let's just forget I commented at all. My advice, as it turns out, is useless.

  3. I'd hire you.

    I need to set you a tweet challenge, you might get not just a raise, you might get a promotion!

  4. when you do quit, promise me you will turn this in along with your letter of resignation.

  5. I would hire you to be the social media consultant of my business. I would also have you redo the employee evaluation system, teach others how to be honest, and cancel all meetings that were ever planned.

  6. You've gotta be pretty bold to tweet at work, unless you have a lot of creative freedom. I wish I coul find a job where all I'm doing is tweeting an blogging, actually. What a cool job that would be.


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