Honestly, I’m embarrassed I even have to write this. Email’s been around for what? Fifty years? It’s practically gone the way of the fax machine, virtually obsolete.
Perhaps people are just so used to texting and “facebook me” and “twat me” (sorry, I don’t understand Twitter speak) and “hey just tell it to me telepathically, would ya? I don't 'do' the whole written word thing,” that they have completely forgotten the correct way to behave when someone sends as an email.
Most of you are probably thinking that's ridiculous. Everyone knows how to respond to email. This is stupid.
And you know what, you're right. It is stupid. But there is still at least one person out there who has absolutely no clue what to do when they receive an email. Instead of walking into his/her office and dumping hot coffee on his/her lap, I blog about it. I'm pretty sure it's the only thing that has kept me out of jail lately.
For example, let’s I send the email:
Attached, please find version 20 of That 400 Page Report We’ve Been Working on for the Last Six Months.
There are two ways Joe could respond.
1.) Send me the changes in the email.
2.) Or call me on the effing phone.
Joe: Hey Sarcasm Goddess. How’s it hangin? Hope it’s not hangin at all for you…if you know what I mean. Ya know, cuz you’re girl. You don’t have anything that hangs. At least I hope not. Don’t tell me if you do; I can’t handle that. Hey, did you have that piece of candy that the boss man put on each of our desks? It is in my mouth right now, and man is it hard. Ha ha, that’s what she said! Don’t sue me for sexual harassment, okay? Anyway, about that report. I have some changes.
On page 24, we should change “people will love these new fuzzy kitten slippers” to “people will totally love these new fuzzy kitten slippers.” Make sure you italicize 'totally' so people will totally understand how totally fuzzy these slippers are. Did you find where it is? It’s right after we talk how there is no way a monkey could take down a grizzly, but right before we launch into the debate about which is cuddlier, a mountain lion or a bunny rabbit. Do you think we should add "rawwwr" after "mountain lion?" I'm torn, it's a really tough call. What do you think? How bout you send me one version with the word "rawwwr" and one version without. If we're still undecided about it, we can call a department meeting and talk about it for four hours.*
On page 129, delete paragraph two and replace it with this really long story I’m going to tell you about the time my mother tried to buy beef jerky from that crazy guy who lives up in the mountains. You know him, Wild Whiskey Willie? Man, what a crazy goat that guy is. Anyway my mom trudged all the way up the mountain and…(667 words later) did you catch all that? I think this is a much better paragraph than what we originally had. No one gives a rat's turd about the importance of having a carbon monoxide detector in your home, am I right?
On page 269, hee hee sixty-nine, we should…you know what, can we go back to page 129? I think we should delete the paragraph about my mom and put the carbon monoxide stuff back in. I mean, we are a company that sells carbon monoxide detectors. You saved that paragraph somewhere, right? Hell, I hope so. It took me 14 weeks to find those statistics on the number of people who die from carbon monoxide poisoning each year, and I totally didn’t save the data. You deleted the paragraph and it’s gone forever?! Ah, f*ck it. We’ll make the numbers up. If I remember correctly, the number was two billion. Two billion people die from carbon monoxide poisoning each year. Or maybe it was 12. Either way, the numbers are scary enough to make you take a dump in your pants, am I right?
On page 324, change…You know what? I gotta go, Trevor just stopped by my office to show me pictures of the girl he took home from the bar last night. Wo-ah, those are some huge knockers! I hope you hit that Trevor. Anyway, Sarcasm Goddess, email me the changes I gave you, and I’ll holla back atcha with 397 more changes at a date TBD. Later, bitch!
Which way do you guys think is the appropriate way to respond? I'll give you a hint. It's not the second one.
* If you cannot relate to four hour meetings to discuss completely inane things then your life is