Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Do You Hear That?

Shh... Listen closely.  Do you hear it?  Turn down your radio, tell your husband to mute whatever sport's game he's watching and listen.

Can you hear it?  It's getting louder.

Could it be?

I think it is!

It's...

WTF! Wednesday!

I am super excited to be linking up with Funny or Snot for WTF Wednesday.  Before doing so, I dug around her page looking for the twelve page manual outlining the rules, guidelines and standard operating procedures.

Turns out?  There isn't one. Probably because it's pretty straight forward, stupid.  If something makes you say WTF then write about it and link up.

Now there are many reasons a person might say WTF:

In confusion: WTF did I just step in?

In annoyance: WTF did my idiot neighbor do now?

In hilarity: WTF is on his head?  Haha.  Too funny.

And...when you want to bitch: WTF is so hard about making a sandwich?

Guess which one I'm going with.

That's right.  Bring on bitch mode.

Ready?  Here we go.

Seriously, Fresh Market.  WTF is your problem?

First you employ someone who makes sandwich-making look harder than eradicating malaria in third world countries.  If only there was a sandwich making equivalent of the mosquito net, I might get my lunch sometime before my hair goes grey and my tits touch my toes.

Secondly.  SECONDLY.  You have the balls to ask me if I'd like to taste some wine.  On my lunch break.  Hells yeah I want to taste some wine.  I'd like to taste about 12 bottles worth.  I don't know what about this suit and this walk-like-I've-got-a-stick-up-my-butt-cuz-I'm-a-business-professional implies I have the luxury of getting wasted at twelve in the afternoon, but I can assure you, I do not.  I mean, I haven't consulted the employee handbook lately, but I'm pretty sure "getting shit-faced on your lunch break" is frowned upon.

Thirdly, where the hell are you getting these "wine sellers?"  More like ex-con drug pushers.  Are you part of some inmate rehabilitation program with the county prison?  I wasn't asked one time if I wanted wine.  I wasn't asked two times if I wanted wine.  I was asked, hold on let me count...eleventy thousand times if I wanted wine.  Just how much self-control do you think I have?  There's only so many times you can dangle a catnip-stuffed mouse in front of a feisty feline before it says, "screw work, company policy and my reputation" and claws your eyes out to get the scrumptious little rodent.

Fourthly: Really?  Really?  We're back to sandwich making?  Sandwich girl from number one must a gotten a demotion cuz I saw her sweeping up a bag of spilled WTF is all over the floor in aisle 3?; but her sandwich-making replacement?  Not. Much. Better.  I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty f*ckin certain he insulted me when making my sandwich the other day.  I said, "can you please make me a chicken salad sandwich on a Kaiser roll with a little bit of lettuce."  He pointed to a board that read SANDWICH MAKER and said, "so you want a sandwich maker?"  Um, hmm, is that similar to make me a sandwich?  I'm no genius but they sound pretty freakin similar.  Seriously, there is nothing I love more than getting into a semantics game with the guy preparing my lunch.  I'm not even going to get into the way  he made my sandwich.  Clearly the guy needs to go back to Sandwich Making Boot Camp.

Unfortunately Fresh Market makes such yummy food and bonus! -they're located just minutes from my office so I can scurry away and get my lunch and scamper back before I miss any of the action - so even with all their atrocities, I will be coming back.  But seriously...

WTF Fresh Market?!  W.  T.  F.

Now hurry on over to Funny or Snot and read the other WTF entries.  Go!  Now!  WTF are you waiting for?!

16 comments:

  1. Love this! And here I went all serious and sh*t on my post for today. (Well, not really.)

    I love the idea of WTF Wednesday. And the little flasher, too.

    Sandwich making - they should know better than to toy with hungry people like SG.

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  2. Inconsiderate people, asking you to taste wine in the middle of the day - why couldn't they just turn up at 5pm at your office? WTF is up with that?

    My husband has issues with sandwich makers - he can't stand them hahaha

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  3. oooh this is so much more fun that Wordful Wednesday. I think I might convert. Loved this!

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  4. Jackson once vomited, like a huge, huge puke, inside Fresh Market.

    I hope that makes your day. It kind of made mine when it happened.

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  5. I think sandwich making is a prerequisite to getting hired at the DMV and then you don't need alcohol to get through the day, you need narcotics.

    I love what you did with WTF Wednesday. I have no rules because I'm as laid back as they come. If some douchebag wants to link up porn to my WTF Wednesday....WTF ever.

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  6. Um...hello? WTF? A post like this? Needs a much bigger tweet button cause this, THIS, needs to tweeted and retweeted and just shared all over the bloody place and I almost didn't see that tiny button. And no it's not because I'm old and need glasses. Excellent post. LMAO and definitely coming back!

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  7. WTF Ever for WTF Wednesday! HA! Kidding. Love this, I'd be tasting bottles with you. I so would.

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  8. I'm always extra kind to people that touch my food, the last thing I want is hair or spit on my BLT.

    And really, nothing wrong with afternoon wine :)

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  9. WTF is the reason they tempt you with wine on your lunch break? That is a crime. Seriously.

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  10. Free wine = anytime for me!!! Idq what you were thinking passing that opportunity up!

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  11. People are supposed to drink on their lunch breaks? Shit.

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  12. WTF Indeed. Why can people not speak the English language with any aplomb?

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  13. Oh my God, lady. You did it again. There's more than pee in my pants this time.

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  14. Great post! I'm off to your links now... Thanks! I'll be back to follow!

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  15. WTF Wednesday is brilliant. Best post I've read in a long time!

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  16. Apparently the employees at Subway are called "Sandwich Artists", yet my mayo only ever covers 1/2 the sandwich and the onions are always in one big clump.
    WTF indeed!

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