Saturday, June 11, 2011

The Deal

Another story for Romantic Friday Writers.  This week's prompt was FORGOTTEN.  As usual, I'm over the word limit, but only by 44 this time, which is much better than the original draft which was 116 over.   Be sure to check out the other stories!

The Deal
by Kelley Williams 

She went to Mrs. B’s Bar even though she knew he’d forgotten.  Ordering a beer, she sat with her back to the door to prevent her heart from accelerating every time it opened.  Her fingers worked the label on the Bud Light as she listened to the band cover the greatest hits of the last four decades and was transported back in time.

They’d come to Mrs. B’s after her best friend’s wedding.  Nursing a beer, she’d lamented that she’d be single forever.

“You’re ridiculous.  And any guy would be lucky to be with you.”

She’d snorted.  “You’re just saying that because you’re my friend.”

“That’s not true.”

He’d reached for her hand and time had stopped.  The music had faded into the background, the tables of rowdy college students, the cheering sports fans at the bar, the busty waitresses all disappeared.

His eyes had held hers and she’d searched for any sign he returned her feelings of all-consuming love.  His thumb had stroked the back of her hand and for a second, she’d thought she’d caught a glimpse he felt it too.

He’d leaned forward, resting his forehead on hers.  She’d moistened her lips in anticipation of the kiss she’d been sure was coming.

“I mean it, Angie.  Any guy would be lucky.”  As soon as the last word had escaped his perfect lips, he’d leaned back in his chair and motioned to the waitress with his empty bottle.

Disappointment settling heavy on her shoulders, she’d tipped her own bottle back and chugged until it was empty.

“Tell you what,” he’d said, after the waitress set two fresh beers on the table.  “If we’re not married by the time we’re thirty-five, you and me,” he’d motioned with the bottle, “we’ll get married.  We’ll meet right here at Mrs. B’s twelve years from today.  Deal?”

She’d looked into those sea-green eyes, and knowing she was committing herself to twelve years of false hope, she’d clinked her bottle to his and said, “Deal.”

The band launched into a rendition of Jessie’s Girl and Angie checked her watch.  One more hour til midnight and this day would be over.  She could finally move on.

“You look beautiful,” a voice whispered in her ear.

She turned her head, ready to tell the creep to get lost, but the words caught in her thought. 

Jake sat down next to her, one hand stilling her trembling fingers, the other wiping away the tear sliding down her cheek.

“I’d thought you’d forgotten.”

“I’ve been waiting twelve years for this day.”  He leaned forward.  She ran her tongue over her lips.  Her heart pounded.  She waited.  And this time, he kissed her.



15 comments:

  1. Oh! That was beautiful! Seriously like a scene in a movie. I love it! Great job!

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  2. Hi S.G,

    Oh so lovely cameos and, nice twist! ;)

    best
    F

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  3. Hello Kelley.
    Thought we were going to be in for another letdown...great twist at the end!

    In spite of time & distance, love will always rule the heart...

    Great job!

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  4. OMG! This is fabulous! I could picture it all - even hear the music! Hilljean's right, like in a movie!

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  5. Nice to meet you - this was gorgeous, a perfect story, a perfect ending.
    Thanks!
    Lxxx

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  6. I liked it a lot, your writing is wonderful, but for me, it was a little too much like the premise of My Best Friend's Wedding - even though the ending was very different.

    One thing that can shave off some words - in a flashback like this, after the first "had" (They'd come to Mrs. B's)you can cut all the rest. She lamented, she snorted, he reached...

    Then when you switch back to current day, just put a break & three asterisks, to cue as to the time change.

    Love all the texture in this piece, the band. Good writing. :-)

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  7. I loved this! But it also breaks my heart, because even though they end up together? Twelve. years. wasted. That's tragic. A love that is beautiful, constant, and true. But also tragic. Please tell me she gave him a little hell for making her wait? ;)

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  8. As Elise said, there is the pathos of the 12 years of waiting. She sounds so sad, heart wrenching, but your descriptions were so great, you had us there in the bar with her.

    Cutting words is hard, but I find it always sharpens it up as we do use superfluous words all the time, words which editors will want you to cut anyhow.

    Great piece for the theme S.G.

    Denise<3

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  9. Poignant, and good detail about picking at the label on the bottle. (Nice to meet you, BTW.) And I liked that he had actually been waiting and hadn't just shown up out of desperation at being single :)

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  10. Seriously?!?! You amaze me every time with your stories. I really loved this one Kelley. Agree with the others about the whole twelve years of not being together- gives the story so much depth. Keep up your awesomeness! You rock :)

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  11. Oh...to wait twelve years. That must be a record. Well done. I like the band playing oldies, nice setting.
    Nancy

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  12. I loved this story. I was hooked from the start. :O)

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  13. wow! beautifully written,loved it:)
    12 years was the sad part but still i enjoyed reading it.

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  14. Short and sweet... Nice to read your work. I want to participate in this community sometime when I am better at short stories. Still have to work on it.

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