Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Better Late Than Never. Except in This Case, Never is Probably Better

The things I do for you guys.  Seriously.  Although I am still exhausted, I must fulfill my duties of producing The Sarcasm Goddess Award Show.  I had all kinds of intentions of going to bed early last night so I could wake refreshed and ready for a super fab show, complete with figure skating monkeys and fireworks, but instead got involved in a very serious conversation on twitter about uterus explosions (or uteru sexplosion, depending on how you look at it.) with@MamaWantsThis @amberwest @jenrambles and @Mama_Mash. 

Uterus explosions?  The hell?

Yeah.  See what you're missing out on by not being on twitter?

I am getting way ahead of myself.  Grab your Snuggie and your box of wine and settle in for the Sunday night show. 

Sunday?  It's Wednesday, dude.

It's called time travel, dude.  And you guys call yourselves scientists.  Pshht.

Before we get to the awards, let's recap the week, shall we?

I returned from vacation and spent nearly 36 hours in meetings and had to have a serious conversation with the boss about how said meetings were cutting into my blog reading time.   These blogs aren't going to read themselves, sir.   I told him this was going to be held against him in his yearly evaluation, but turns out?  The employees don't get to evaluate the boss.

How ludicrous.

You's a ho.  I said that you's a ho.  You doin ho activities with ho tendencies.  Hos are your friends, hos are your enemies. 

No, not that Ludicris.

I waited until the boss went to the bathroom and slid an anonymous drawing of him being eaten by a lion under his door.

In related news, I am a twat.  Which is to say I now twitter.

I know.

I'm sorry.

It's not my fault.

If you have to blame someone, blame all the people not following my blog. Obviously twitter needs a new slogan cuz "Bigger Boobs and Thousands of Blog Followers"?  Big.  Fat. Lie.  So far, thanks to twitter, I have just one new blog follower  (welcome, my fellow twat) and I'm pretty sure my boobs have gotten smaller.

Luckily for twitter I am a Professional Marketer and have come up with a few slogans that I think we can all agree are much better:

Twitter: Massaging Your Narcissism One Tweet At A Time.

Twitter: Where Confusion Meets What The Hell?

Twitter: Not Even Rocket Scientists Can Figure It Out.

Twitter: Because People Care About The Color of Your Last Bowel Movement.  No Really, They Do.

Twitter: Why Converse With The People You're With When You Could Talk to Strangers Who Are Actually Probably Robots?

Twitter: Has Society Really Come to This?

(trademark pending on all slogans.  if you steal them, what do you get?  that's right!  stabbed in the face!)

Perhaps the greatest accomplishment of the week, of my life, is how I revolutionized they way millions of you view the word twat.  For those of you who said "twat" to me in my blog, on twitter or in person, congratulations.  You are now a member of the Coalition to Ban Moist and Munch from the English Language.  Our first meeting will take place at a secure undisclosed location which will be disclosed to you - cuz, duh, how else would you get there? - via email.  Make sure you bring your bee-keeper suit, a snorkel and an oxygen mask. Oh, and a picture of Hallie Berry.  That last one is very important.

Several of you non-twats have expressed interest in being all kinds of supportive and wanting me to explain twitter to you and help you set up your own account and I was all, "twitter is hard, don't worry about following me, you follow my blog and that's all good."

But then I thought long and hard (bahahahaha, it never gets old) and realized if I can twitter anyone can twitter.  But how to explain.  Hmmmm.....

More long and hard thinking.


Honestly people, grow up.

Finally I came up with this handy dandy diagram to help all the twitter virgins understand what to do. (click to enlarge)

Got it?  Good.  See you on twitter soon.

Finally!  It is time for the award!

Our first (and only) award goes to Echo, who, as the name suggests is one super cool Guianan Cock-of-the-Rock.  (that's an actual animal people.  the saying "you can't make this shit up" has never been more true.)

In related news, rooster riots have broken out world-wide.

Wow, Echo, I have digressed.  I blame twitter.  Everyone please join me in congratulating Echo for her award:

Now it's time to introduce a new segment called "Comment of the Week" in which I highlight my favorite comment of the previous week.  This week the Comment of the Week honor goes to...

Me! (seriously, did you guys expect anyone else?)

I am a member of SheWrites, which will be celebrating its two year anniversary on June 29th.  The amazing Monica Medina sent out a mass email asking everyone how they plan on celebrating?

My response?

"I plan on celebrating in the woods with a box of wine, a jar of olives and a mischievous badger named Charles.    Sorry.  That was ridiculous.  The badger's name is Wilbur."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Seriously, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I laughed for fifteen minutes straight.  And then I tried to read it to the husband, but couldn't.  Ya know, cuz of the copious amounts of laughter.

I suppose it's a little narcissistic of me to congratulate my own comment, which wasn't even on my blog, so...allow me to share part of a comment from the fabulous Miss Allie: "Speaking of drunken nights... you should definitely try some topless beerpong in a pool. With some randomass bartender that no one knows but one wants to bang lol. It was crazy! You would approve."

I would approve?  I'm not exactly sure the impression you guys have of me but clearly?  It's a good one.

Congratulations Miss Allie, on receiving the high honor of Comment of the Week.  (Oh and I'm still working on figuring out the code for your award, although I wish you would have asked for something easier, like teaching vampire squid (again, real animal) how to build rocket ships.)

We've come to the point in the show we're I'd give out Spirit Bananas...

Spirit Bananas!  OMG sounds amazing!

Oh, they are amazing.  But they're going to have to wait until next week, cuz I've been working on this post for 42 bajillion hours and I'm all out of wine.

Normally I would leave you with a lovely drawing or darling video, but please reference 42 bajallion hours and lack of wine above.

Thank you all for coming and have a twatastic day.


  1. Dude, your word verification for my comment is 'meleater'.

    A sign?

    Yes, a sign. A sign that your next post shall feature all word verifications your commenters have to type out to comment.

    You can totally do that at work, your boss has already been eaten by a lion.

    I do like the skating monkeys. Can you make that into an award? Or a button or something?

    And thanks for the Twitter shout out! Did you see my Twitter post? I wrote that before we had the #uterusexplosion discussion or it would so have been featured.

    See you on Twitter, Twat.

  2. good lord! where have your brains gone?!?!?

    Your drawing of the cock holdnig a bomb in one foot and hopping on the other as if to be running really cracked me up for like 12 minutes....

  3. Bahahaha - oh my god, that was manic! I loved it.
    Corn poop... really? LMAO
    Twitter confuses me every damn day.

  4. Lady, thank you for the much needed laughs! I just recently got a Twitter twat thing and I don't know what the hell to do with it. I mean, does anyone care to read my "updates"? Or will I be sending these off to cyberspace only to have them make their way to a small village in Timbuctoo where my identity will be appropriated by a pygmy who will then max out my credit card? Is it worth the effort? Please advise. Oh, and for icing on the cake, the word verification is "butpit." Should I interpret this as some sort of sign? Again, please advise. :)

  5. Okay, so, first of all, I couldn't get through the Twitter diagram without cackling at an unreasonable volume, which irritated my husband, so I had to share the damn thing with him on my teeny little smart phone, but then he smirked and thereafter admitted he didn't even get the joke, he's that bad of a twit, and I must have been hooting too loudly, cuz my 9 mo old started winding up with a cry, and then I knew I was in big trouble with husband, but, thankfully, it was just a false alarm, and that's exactly what it sounded like, an alarm, but we are okay now. (I once received a research paper from a kid that was one long run-on sentence, which makes mine above seem minute in comparison.) Anyway, I take issue with the whole kicking vagina thing becoming a part of your diagram. No I don't, I love it. K, nighty night. You are one funny twat, that's for sure.

  6. Bahahaha!!! Wow, I barely remember posting that comment (could have still been drunk, who knows!). But thank you! I am honored to be the first of your Comment of the Week picks. Oddly enough, before I stopped by tonight I named you in my What I'm Loving Wednesday post. Your twatter diagram made more sense to me than... well... anything else this week. Hope your week has been good!

  7. Thank you for making me laugh out loud during class. Really. It was worth the dirty look from my Professor.


I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.