Friday, May 13, 2011

Slumber Parties Part Two

[Update: Apparently Blogger was having some "issues" recently and removed all posts since Wednesday, so I am now re-posting this; however, my comments are gone, which makes me really really sad, cuz comments make me really really happy.  Blogger is such a wiener.]

In Slumber Parties Part One I mentioned that while the slumber parties of our youth are tres cool, the slumber parties of our adult-hood are even better.

Mainly because the slumber parties of our adult-hood involve wine.  And the re-uniting of those childhood friends with some super cool new ones picked up along the way.  And also?  Wine.  Because let's face it, the drunk version of ourselves is the best version.  Honestly, I can hardly stand to be around myself unless I've consumed three glasses of wine, taken six purple hooter shots and downed a fifth of tequila.

Now I know some of you are saying, "my childhood slumber parties did involve wine, purple hooter shots and tequila," but my friends and I?  We were good girls.  The goodest of good. 

Except for that one night when we were sixteen and we got totally blitzed and all of us got knocked up.  We don't talk about that night.

Seriously, though, our parents were so lucky.  Sure they raised us to say no to drugs and alcohol and to not be skanky whores, but at the end of the day it was still our decision.  And we chose to do none of those things.  As I said, we were good.  Which is why I'm never having children.  It is common knowledge that the better the child you were, the worse the child your children will be.

But back to the matter at hand.

Every year the boys in my and my friends' lives have a golf weekend.  They will tell you it is THE GREATEST WEEKEND EVER!  But I can assure you, it's not.  I know this because the husband never returns with any good gossip.

Which brings us to the differences between male slumber parties and female slumber parties.  At the end of this analysis we will all agree that female slumber parties are the superior of the two.

1. Alcohol
This is the only common thread of both types of slumber parties, although what happens at each slumber party once alcohol has been consumed differs.  At female slumber parties, the more alcohol consumed, the more we show each other various sexual positions to try out with our men at a later date (to be further discussed later on). At male slumber parties, there comes a point when enough alcohol has been consumed that someone will strip down, jump in a lake and swim with the alligators.

It does not take a rocket scientist to determine which of these activities is the better.

2. Gossip
One of the very best things about female slumber parties is dishing and getting caught up on all the latest dirt.

"Can you believe how much better looking Angelina has gotten since high school?  Plastic surgery has to be involved.  What a whore."

"Isn't Cara's baby the ugliest?"

"Totally, the ugliest."

"Did you hear Madison is a doctor?"

"No way!  Good for her...what a whore."

"Listen to this.  Guilanna left her hot Navy SEAL husband for the fat mailman!"

"Ugh, Guilanna!  Loser and a whore!"

"Melissa was finally able to adopt a baby."

"Oh, yea!  I'm so happy for her."

We liked Melissa.  Melissa is not a whore.

"Justine is getting married to Connor."

"Pshh.  Like that'll last.  Justine's such a whore."

"I heard Marlene is a lesbian."

"Chloe has four nipples."

"Heather couldn't get pregnant so she stole her brother's baby and ran away to Mexico where she got run over by a donkey and a Mexican drug lord found the baby, who is now seven years old and in charge of the largest heroin drug trade in the northern hemisphere.  And also?  He can kill you with his mind."

We go on like this for hours.  We present the information as absolute truth without giving credence to the fact that there is a very high probability that the truth has been twisted and molested as it tumbled through the rumor mill until not an ounce of factual information remains.

Gossip at male slumber parties is non-existent.  Not only do boys not care if Ricardo got a sex change, adopted 18 orphans and started his own religion, they don't even remember who Ricardo is, unless, of course, he has a good golf swing or is in their fantasy football league.

3. Conversation
Simply put: the conversation at female slumber parties is interesting and proves very useful at a later time; the conversation at male slumbers is lame and has proven to be of no value at a later date.

Following are some examples.  Warning, if talk of sex makes you uncomfortable, stop reading.  Also, I have changed the names of my friends (and I) to protect their (my) identity.

Female slumber party conversation:

Lulu: So how often is everyone having sex these days?

Maisy: Three to four times a week.

Marigold: Every night but Thursdays!

Daphne: Once a week if we're lucky.

Rosy: Three times a day!

Daisy: Sex?  What's sex?

Everyone else: Oh no!  Daisy!

Daisy:  We're just so tired all the time.  We lay in bed and want to have sex.  I'm like 'you get on top' and 'he's like, no you get on top'.  I wish we could do it, without actually doing it, you know?

Sympathetic head nods all around.

Male slumber party conversation:

Bob: When was the last time you played golf?

Fred:  Thursday!

Frank: Last week.

Frodo: Yesterday.  Twice

Everyone else: Oooh.

Tom: Three days ago.

Carl: It's been at least a month, maybe longer.

Everyone else: Oh no!  Carl!

Carl:  Work, man.  It's killing me.  I want to play, I just don't have the time.

Sympathetic beer chugs all around.

Female slumber party conversation:

Maisy:  What types of birth control are you guys using?  I just got off Yaz and started Seasonique.

Marigold: Ugh, I hated Yaz.  I have a friend who's on Seasonique; she likes it.

Daphne:  Diaphragm, spermicide, condom, pull-out.  We really don't want a baby.

Daisy: Condoms

Rosy: Nothing.

Everyone else: Gasp!

Lulu: I'm on the pill and I hate it. My  boobs hurt all the time and I have no sex drive.

Maisy:  Rosy, we need to get you on some form of birth control and Lulu, we need to get you off the pill.

Everyone else concurs by opening another bottle wine.

Male slumber party conversation:

Fred: I'm 160 yards from the hole.  What club should I use?

Frank: A seven iron.

Tom: A three wood.

Frodo: Your pitching wedge.

Carl: Buy me a beer and I'll tell you.

Bob: If you can make it in the hole from here using your putter, I'll pay for your drinks for the rest of the weekend.  If you don't make it, you have to strip naked and swim with the alligators.

Fred: Deal.

Everyone shot-guns a beer to consummate the bet.

Female slumber party conversation:

Daisy: What's everyone's favorite position?

Maisy: Missionary!  It's totally under-rated and underused by the general population.

Marigold: Me on top.  Hits just the right spot!

Rosy: Reverse cow-girl.  Yeehaw!

Daphne:  I like em all.  I can't pick a favorite.

Lulu:  Dog-leg on the third hole.

Everyone else: What's that?

Lulu: It's where you lay on your back, flip your legs over your head and he comes up behind you and stands over  your head.

Daphne: Wow!  Can't wait to try it.

Rosy: I don't know if I'm flexible enough for that.

Lulu:  You keep stretching, girl.  You'll get there.

Daisy: I like inside-out scissors.

Maisy: Oh!  Me too!

Everyone else: What's that?

Daisy and Maisy: Here we'll show you.

Daisy and Maisy get into position.  (They are fully clothed and as much as any boys reading this want to imagine a hot girl on girl scene, there was nothing sexual about this demonstration, it was purely scientific.)

Daphne: So Maisy is the guy?

Daisy: No, I'm the guy.

Marigold: Yeah, but how does that work?

Maisy: See my legs are up here and over Daisy's.

Daisy: And I'm more on my back than my side.

Rosy: Oh yeah, we've done that.  It helps to have the girl a little higher up.

Maisy shifts up.

Everyone else: Oh, now I see. Oooh...

This information is stored in our sexual library and retrieved when our men return home.  They are very grateful.


Male slumber party conversation:

Frodo: If you could only use one club for an entire round, what would it be?

Bob:  That's easy.  My driver.  Good ole Black Betty.  Mmm mmm.  She's all I need.

Frank: No way.  I'd use my putter.  It's not how to drive it's how you arrive.

Fred: I'd probably go with a seven iron.  It's my go-to club.

Tom: I agree with Frank.  Putter all the way.

Carl:  Gotta go with my three-wood hybrid.

Everyone else: Gasp!  What's that?

Carl: Let me show you.

Everyone else: Oooh.

Seeing the three-wood hybrid gets the boys all hot and bothered, making them have golfing wet dreams for the next month and a half.  We, their girls, are not very grateful for three-wood hybrids and golfing wet dreams.  Rarely do they prove useful in the bedroom. (I say "rarely" because I just know there is some reader out there thinking I could totally find use for a three-wood hybrid in the bedroom.  And to you, dear reader, I say I'm sure you can and congratulations.  I am doing my best to keep this post below an X rating and therefore will not address the possible multi-functionality of golf clubs, but do feel free share with us in the comments.)

There you have it.  A thorough analysis on the difference between male and female slumber parties.  There really is no need for a concluding paragraph, the data speaks for itself.  We all agree that female slumber parties are far superior to male slumber parties.

The.  End.

2 comments:

  1. Agreed! My last adult female slumber party consisted of drinks, "scary" movies, and lots of sex talk and gossip. Always the best times.

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