By now you've all heard the news, Osama be dead. Well, I suppose you haven't heard it if you've been living a cave, which apparently? Osama was not. Although from what I've heard, that mansion? Wasn't all that nice. I think that's probably beside(s?) the point.
The news of his death has elicited a multitude of reactions from people all over the world. Don't worry, this blog isn't about to become political or insightful or anything (oh the horror!), but allow me to say that some of the people who are reacting are first-class wieners. I'm not talking about Osama supporters who are all, boo-hoo. That reaction, we predicted. And I'm declining to comment on what I think about their behavior. I'm talking about the football player who tweeted something wiener-esque. Don't remember what the tweet said, (the husband told me about it yesterday during dinner, you don't honestly expect me to remember what it was almost 24 hours later, do you?) but it was really really dumb. And then, THEN, there was an article on Yahoo! by some yahoo named Ted who was talking out his bum. Seriously, I'm nominating this guy for douche of the year.
Now that I got that off my chest, let's get to the real purpose of this post: what went down in the Sarcasm Goddess household as the husband and I awaited the announcement from the President.
As usual, it highlights my total and enviable awesomeness.
We were watching a sex-trafficking-in-America-show (it's a problem, y'all) on MSNBC when we were alerted to THE BREAKING NEWS: President to speak at 10:30. My first reaction was hmm...I wonder what it is.
Then we switched to CNN and bring on the panic and anxiety. The reporters on CNN were all, "oh this is extremely rare. the President is giving a speech to the nation, to THE WORLD, at 10:30 on a Sunday night. this must be big. oh my. never in the history of civilization has this happened. things are about to get messy. uh oh."
The husband first speculated that the speech would be about the tornadoes that hit Alabama or about Libya. But then the media said it had to do with national security. Being the non-worrier, glass-is-half-full, I'm-sure-everything-will-be-okay person that I am, I assumed the worst.
Me: Do you think he's going to say there's an asteroid headed for earth, one that will completely wipe-out civilization?
The husband: No.
Me: It's totally an asteroid.
Media: Oh my. This is bad. This is awful. Wrap your house in cellophane, folks. The end is coming.
Me: Do you think we're at war? Like a new one? Do you think we're being bombed? Like right now?
I kept checking the front door, waiting for troops to storm the house.
Wolf Blitzer: It looks like the President won't speak until 10:35. I have a pretty good idea of what he's going to say, but I'm not going to tell you. Hahahahaha.
Me: My stomach hurts.
I began shoveling popcorn into my mouth by the fistful.
Me: Are you sure it's not an asteroid?
The husband: Totally sure.
Me: It's totally an asteroid. We're all dead. I'm not going to work tomorrow. Are you sure there is no chance it's an asteroid?
The husband: none
Wolf Blitzer: Looks like the President won't be coming on until 10:40. I totally know what it is. But I-ii won't te-ell. I'll give you a hint though: you're all going to die. Except for me. I'm going to hide out in a bunker buried deep inside the earth and after the catastrophe has passed I will single-handedly re-populate the earth. The earth will be filled with little bad-ass, know-it-all blitzers.
Me: Do you think nuclear missiles are being launched at California?
Me: Do you think we bombed Canada?
Me: Does New York still exist?
Me: Why would we bomb Canada? WHY???!!!
Me: My stomach hurts.
Wolf Blitzer: The President isn't going to come on until 10:50. Have I mentioned that I totally know what he is going to say?
Me: THE PRESIDENT NEEDS TO HURRY UP! MY STOMACH HURTS AND I AM STRESS EATING! WHY DIDN'T I GET THAT PRESCRIPTION FOR ATIVAN FILLED!
Me: Are you worried?
The husband: I'm a little concerned. I want to know what he's going to say.
As the minutes ticked on, the delirium set in.
Me (being the President): My fellow Americans, we have discovered the location of William and Kate's honeymoon. They are coming to the United States. Thank you and good night.
The husband (being the President): Has anyone seen my keys?
Wolf Blitzer: I know what the President is going to say and it is going to make Americans very hapsfasd...
Me: Did he say happy or sad? Happy or sad? Are Americans going to be HAPPY OR SAD?
The husband: He said happy.
Me (wide-eyed and full of wonder): Do you think they got Osama?
Wolf Blitzer: The President is personally calling each and every American before he comes on to the make the announcement. I know what it is, but I won't say. Now let me pass it over to This Guy over here who looks like he just got out of bed, because guess what? He totally did.
This Guy: Well folks, the President is going to announce that Osama bin Laden is dead.
Wolf Blitzer: YOU ASSHOLE! That was my thunder! There will be hell to pay. I will unleash my army of little blitzers all over your pansy-ass. ASS! HOLE!
Me: I was right! I was right!
The husband: About which part? The asteroid?
Me: No! Osama!
The husband: Oh, right.
Media: Osama was killed in a mansion in Pakistan.
Me: I'm so glad we're not being bombed.
It still took another twenty minutes or so for the President to speak.
Me: Remind me to never go to a party at the White House. They obviously have no regard for starting on time. I hate standing around in stilettos waiting for things to happen.
The husband: Remind me never to go to a party at a mansion in Pakistan. No seriously, remind me. I have the worst memory. One day you'll call me and say, 'dinner's ready, where are you?' And I'll be like 'ohhh...I'm in Pakistan. At a party. In a mansion. I told you to remind me!'
I stayed awake to listen to the President. The husband fell asleep. That's it. That's what happened in the Sarcasm Goddess household the night the world learned Osama was dead.
Thank you and good night.