Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Yahoo Hates Animals. Allegedly. Probably Not at All. This Blog is One of Satire, so Back Off Yahoo Lawyers.

(The commentary in this post probably in no way reflects the views, thoughts, feelings, mission, dreams, hopes, desires, or fantasies, of Yahoo, its parent company, sister companies, step-father's company, ex brother-in-laws company, great grand-pappy's company and that of their immediate and extended families, friends, social networks, neighbors, doctors, therapists, personal chefs, cabana boys, PTAs, HOAs, PPOs, HMOs, AA, AAAs, AARPs, BFFs... you get the point, yes?)

I have issues with Yahoo. What is up with all the sad animal stories on the homepage? All I want to do is search "what to do if you mysteriously hurt your heel and haven't been able to walk for two weeks and now your other foot hurts and also your achilles" and I'm accosted with pictures of sad Japanese puppy who won't leave other sad, possibly injured? possibly dead? (I don't know cuz I didn't read the story, because sad/hurt/hungry/lonely animals + me = depression x 1,000) Japanese puppy friend, or pictures of oil soaked pelicans because the assholes at BP couldn't figure out how to plug a hole. Or hey, how about watching these barbarian hunters club baby seals. For fun! Watch the blood splatter the screen! And don't forget your 3-d glasses! You'll think you're actually getting splattered with baby seal blood! Awesome!

No Yahoo, it isn't awesome. I don't know what kind of sick twisted individuals you have working over there, but when I find them I will hurt them. Like maybe I'll cover them in oil and chase them around with clubs and call that girl from X-Men who controls the weather and have her summon up a tsunami that affects just them and be all "isn't this tragic? oh this is just terrible. how sad." Except it won't be sad because they deserved it.

Do you guys sometimes get the feeling I'm a violent person? Justifiably violent, but violent nonetheless?

Yes?

I can see how you would think that, but let me just say I am not violent. I've never actually, in real life, wanted to inflict bodily harm on another human being.

Except...for that one time.

Hear me out. You're totally going to agree with me on this one.

The husband, my friend M and I were at a Comedy Show. And of course there was That Lady. You know the one. Thinks the world revolves around her. Has to be the center of attention. Shouts stupid, annoying subtly sexual nonsensical words at the comic. And when she doesn't get any attention from him, the words make even less sense and become overtly sexual. There's a lot of throwing of the arms in the air and "no we love you"s. That Lady made not only me, but everyone around me, want to get up and punch her in the face. But apparently? We were all civilized folk and just sat there.

It's a good thing our friend G wasn't there, because he? Would have straight up killed her. With his bear hands. Grrrr. Seriously he's been taking a class on how to kill people. Not for fun or anything. Just for in those situations when it's absolutely necessary. It's kinda handy having a friend like that. What with all the gangs running rampant in our sleepy beachside town. And by gangs I mean the gaggles of 80 year olds shuffling down sidewalks threatening to brain us youngins with their canes and walkers.

Seriously, Yahoo, the world is a terrifying, tragic, sad enough place without you forcing us to watch a litter of furry adorable golden retriever puppies play Russian roulette. Place your bets! Which one's gettin the bullet? The winner gets to watch these poachers gun down the last remaining herd of African elephants thereby making the species extinct. How cool is that!

Not cool, Yahoo. Not cool at all.

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