Thursday, March 24, 2011

You Know What I Just Love? Updated to Make More Sense. Maybe. Probably Not.*

*Monoxide.  I meant monoxide.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry about it.  If you do, yay...this day is the worst.  If there are any dioxides on this post replace it with monoxide.  Or don't.  Whatev.

You know what gets me all "yippee!" and "wohoo!" and "right on!"?  You know what really turns me on (in a completely non-sexual way, or maybe sexual, I'll let you decide)?  You know what freaking makes my day?

When I have a thought, an idea, a suggestion, a if-we-don't-do-this-the-world-will-end solution and I have been saying it for months and months and people either stare blankly at me or look at me like I've grown five heads.

And then someone new hops on the scene and is all you know what we should do? and everyone thinks they're f*cking brilliant. 

For example, let's say I suggest that in order for people to live, they should breathe oxygen.

Everyone else: Wow, breathing this carbon monoxide sucks.  I don't feel so good. I think I might die.

Me: Carbon monoxide is a terrible thing to breathe.  It will kill you.  Who ever told you you should breathe carbon monoxide?  What you need is oxygen.  Step out of the car, open the garage, go outside and inhale.

Everyone else: Man this carbon monoxide really sucks.  I'm feeling sleepy.  I wish there was an alternative.

Me: There is!  It's called oxygen.

Everyone else: What are we going to do about this carbon monoxide?  Does anyone know of an alternative gas to breathe.

Me:  I do! I do!  Oxygen!  Breathe oxygen!

Everyone else: DOOM AND WOE!  Carbon monoxide! If only there was an answer!


Everyone else: Caaaaaaaarrbooooooon Monnnnnnnnoooxxxxxxiiiiiiiiiideee.

New person: Hey guys, carbon monoxide is a terrible thing to breathe.  What we need in order to survive is oxygen.  Follow me outside!

Everyone else:  Oxygen!  You are a f*cking genius!  Why didn't anyone mention oxygen before?  Wow, you are an expert at surviving.  Yay for oxygen! Yay for new person!

Equally pleasurable is when you've been working your ass off for months on a project and it is two days, two days, before the big reveal and new person is all you did what?  Why did you do that?  I would have done this.  This would have been so much better.

I f*cking LOVE it when people do that.  Sincerely, I do.  It definitely does not make me want to say next time, why don't you do it bitch?  If you have all the bright ideas why don't you be in charge?  Oh, wait.  The last time you were in charge and had all these big ideas you f*cking did nothing.  Nothing!  And I had to carry your ass because you don't follow through on shit.

I never want to say that.  I'm all hugs and rainbows and candy coated raindrops.  And I definitely don't want to stab them.  Nope, not at all.

Speaking of stabbing, I was texting my friend last night who is dealing with equally annoying assholes awesome geniuses as my previously mentioned new person.  She may have been a little tipsy on Screwdrivers, which is her one-and-only true-blue favorite drink.  I have known her for years and I know she intravenously injects really likes Screwdrivers and when she is a drinkin, that be what she drinkin.  However, when she texted me that she was going to go to work with her cup full of screwdriver because she anticipates the day is going to end badly, the first thing I think of is that she is going to go to work with a bunch of screwdrivers, as in the tool, in a cup and stab people with them.  I was all wow, I never knew H was in to stabbing.  Turns out?  She's not.  Or maybe she is.  I don't know.  It's hard to really focus on anything other than my own giddiness stemming from new person discovering oxygen thereby ensuring the survival of mankind (thank goodness).

I'm not really sure how to end this delightful tale - as I mentioned all the joy is making it hard to focus - so I will end with this:

1.) I apologize if the use of the f*ck word seemed obsessive, but I can't help it.  I'm so irate happy.

2.) If you tell me that the air we breathe is more nitrogen than oxygen thereby making nitrogen the saver of humanity, I will stab you.  I'm sorry.  I'm not normally this mean.  It's been that kinda day.

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