Thursday, February 10, 2011

Could We Be Any More Dysfunctional? No, Really. Could We? I Need to Know if it Could Get Worse.

Life can't ever really defeat a writer who is in love with writing, for life itself is a writer's lover until death - fascinating, cruel, lavish, warm, cold, treacherous, constant. 
Edna Ferber, A Kind of Magic, 1963

Remember when my friends wrote something really nice on my facebook wall and I freaked out and yelled at them and banned them from my wall, then tried to get them back and broke facebook and then the world imploded so I decided I was finally going to get my own facebook page instead of hijacking the husband's?

Yeah, me too.

Remember how I friend requested you and now we have tons of fun on my facebook?

Yeah, me neither.

It should come as no surprise to you that I never went through with it.  Because of The Issues.  And The Anxiety.

It really is quite ridiculous that I have so much unease about having my own facebook page since I invented The Facebook.

Well, technically, the husband invented The Facebook.  I know.  You probably think it was that Mark Zuckerackerbergers guy who went to Harvard and got all pissed that his girlfriend broke up with him and retaliated by becoming a billionaire.  (Um, yeah, pretty much the greatest revenge ever.)  But it wasn't.  It was the husband.

You know how every time someone comments on the husband's facebook page, his phone dings because he's a mister fancy pants with his i-phone?  Well the night I was trying to de-ban my friends and restore order to facebook it was dinging every five seconds as my dear friend Tabitha and I had eight separate conversations at the same time as I tried to figure out what was going on.  Which made the husband all verklempt.


The husband:  What's going on on the facebook?


The husband:  What'd you do now on the facebook?


The husband:  Are you getting off the facebook soon?  I thought we were watching Shawshank.

Me:  The Facebook?  Is that kinda like The Kmarts and The Walmarts?  My grandmother loved  the Kmarts.

The husband didn't mean to keep saying "the" before facebook.  It just kept happening.  Like the night he desperately wanted to talk about how Japanese food is so good, but he kept saying Chinese instead.  Because he lips would only allow him to speak the truth, which is: Facebook is really called The Facebook, and also, he's Chinese.  Probably.

Probably about the Chinese part.  Not about the facebook part.  That part is totally true.  We just didn't realize it until a few weeks later when we went to see The Social Network.

If you haven't seen it, I won't spoil it for you, other than to say that Facebook was originally called The Facebook until Justin Timberlake told the Zuckerackergers dude to drop the "the."

So now you see.  The husband wasn't just channeling my grandmother, he retroactively invented facebook.  Making us billionaires.  Well, billionaires as soon as our lawsuit against Zuckerackerbergers and anyone else who claims to have had a hand in inventing facebook is finalized.

Until then, the husband will continue creating "the" facebook pages.  That's right, the husband has created another facebook page.  The husband - who never wanted a facebook page to begin with but decided to create one to hawk some product to all his friends, but then only decided to friend one person so I took his page over and now he gets all pissy and tells me to create my own page and threatens to shut down his page - has created another facebook page.

Why?  So he could be "friends" with a local flag football team that he is a part of.  One week he was named the MVP for his mad ball handling skills.  And was given a trophy.  And they took his picture.  And put it on the flag football facebook page. And I was so proud. True story.

He didn't want to be friends with the flag football team via our current facebook page because apparently the big macho football dudes will get the wrong idea when he constantly talks about girls night out and compliments my friends' dresses and says things like "aw!"  "seriously, she's so cute," and "miss you!"

This new page was the husband's chance to take control of facebook.  His chance to no longer have his wife involved whatsoever.  But instead, he created a "joint" page.    Let's say the husband's name is Ken and my name is Barbie.  Then the new page that husband created is called Ken Barbie Doll.   And the email address he used?  Mine.

Sooo, whenever Ken Barbie Doll gets a message from his one friend, Flag Football team, it goes to my email address.

Whenever Ken Doll (the husband's original facebook page, aka my facebook page) gets a message from my friends, it goes to the husband's email address.


Let me summarize.

The husband, who hates facebook, wants nothing to do with it and never checks it, has two facebook pages.

Me, who is mildly interested in and utterly confused by and but sincerely wanting a facebook page, has zero facebook pages.  Or maybe I have half a facebook page.

I don't know.

The husband and I are the picture of dysfunction.

The good news is, I'm almost ready to have my own page.  Almost.  Over the last year-ish of hijacking the husband's page, I've been observing.  And taking notes.  And I think I have amassed all the information I need to have a successful facebook page.  And I am willing to share this information with you.  So that those of you who have been toying with getting your own page, can finally do so with confidence.

Stay tuned.

1 comment:

I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.