Friday, February 11, 2011

4 Tips on How to Have a Successful Facebook Life

Do you login in under your friend or spouse's facebook page to find out what's going on because you're too overwhelmed and confused to have your own facebook page?  Do you have your own facebook page, but wonder why you don't have more friends or get more comments on your posts?

Don't worry.  You're not alone.  Millions, or possibly tens, of people are afflicted with the same FEAR OF FACEBOOK.

Lucky for you I've been signing in under my husband's facebook page for the last year and have been taking notes.  After careful observation I have developed
4 Tips On How To Have a Successful Facebook Life.

1. Your Profile
This is the very first step in setting up your facebook page.  It's a pretty simple process.  If you can fill out a form, you can set up your profile.  A few important things you're going to want to keep in mind.  Be sure to make your full birthday, including the year, visible on your profile.  This will save identity thieves a lot of time when gathering the information they need to steal your life.

You're also going to want to fill in all the blanks that ask you about your education, work, arts, entertainment, and sports preferences, and your favorite activities and interests.  In those answers, make sure you include the names of all your pets, past and present, every nickname you've ever been called, your anniversary date, graduation date, street number, date of your first born, mother's birthday, along with all you hobbies, likes and dislikes.  This will make it much easier for all the hackers to guess the password to your bank account, 401K, Roth IRA, credit card account, ebay account, craigslist account, and, of course, facebook account.

2. Photos
Uploading photos to your facebook page is crucial to having a successful facebook life.  The first photo to start with is the all-important profile picture.  Your profile picture is your first chance to let people know how much better looking you've gotten since high school.  (If you've gotten worse looking since high school just dig out your best looking high school pic and use that.  People will totally think it's a current picture of you.)

It is important that the profile picture is of you and only you.  Don't have a solo picture of yourself?  Not to worry.  You have two options.

A. Hold your camera at arms length from your face.  Tilt head, purse lips, sultry-fye your eyes.  And click.  You have just taken one of the best pictures of yourself ever.  There will never be a need for a do-over because pictures like this never come out bad.

B. Find a really, really good picture of you with other people in it.  Crop everyone out of it, but you.  It's best if you are leaning in toward the person next to you that way when you crop out every last speck of that person, you will have cropped right up to the edge of your face.  It is likely that you will have several inches of blank wall, background or pure nothingness on the other side of your face.  DO NOT crop this out.  If you do, you risk making the photo look unnatural.  Photos like this make great profile pictures because not only do they show off how utterly amazing you look, they let the other people in the photo know exactly how you feel about them.

After you've uploaded your profile picture, it's time to create photo albums.  I recommend creating three photo albums right away.  You can add more as you go, but these three are a must.

Label the first album "Memories" and upload every photo of you from age 3 to 18.  It is vitally important to include as many middle and high school photos as possible, especially the ones that all your classmates are trying to forget exist -  the girl with the unibrow, the scrawny kid who never went through puberty, the girl dressed like she shopped in her grandmother's closet, etc.  After you've done this, check your calendar to make sure the next 4-6 hours of your life are clear.  That's how long it's going to take to tag every single person in all 248 photos you just uploaded.  Although you may soon grow weary, DO NOT GIVE UP!  If you do, how else will all of Maria's facebook friends know that, although she is a total babe now, she was a real train-wreck in high school?

The next album you create should be labeled "My Life."  Fill this album with photos that let people know how awesome your life is: photos of you in Maui, standing in front of the Eiffel Tower, at the base of a volcano, photos of you and your hunky husband, your model children, pictures of your house, your car, your engagement ring, basically anything that lets people know your life is so much better than theirs.

The third album, "Crazy Times!" should show people just what kind of party animal you are.  Include pictures of you half naked, pictures of you doing shots, pictures of you playing drinking games, pictures of you rolling on the floor with your friends, pictures of you making out with your friends, pictures of you dancing on a bar, pictures of you passed out on the floor, pictures of you with penises drawn on your face, pictures of you peeing in your neighbors pool, pictures of you vandalizing private property, pictures of you stealing road signs, pictures of you doing drugs, pictures of you selling drugs, pictures of you cheering on people doing and selling drugs.  Basically anything that would cause your current employer to fire you, prevent a future employer from hiring you or make your mother cry, should go in this album.

3. Wall Posts
Wall posts are quite possibly the most important component of your facebook life.  Wall posts are like the windows to your soul.

After you've created your profile and spent 867 hours uploading photos, you will, no doubt, be eager to post your first status update.  But wait!  This step is not to be entered into lightly.  Open up a blank word document and practice writing wall posts.  Keep posting until you've run out of interesting things to say.  Now you are ready for your first facebook wall post.

WARNING: If you skip the word document practice session and go straight to your first post, you could end up posting something people actually care about.

Here are some suggestions on good wall posts.

A. Share a mundane task that you just completed and follow it with LOL!

Example:  Just tied my shoelaces.  LOL!

This is a good wall post because everyone can relate to how hilarious shoe-lace tying is.

B. Share a routine part of your day.

Example:  Just drove to work!

This is a good post because it makes you sound interesting and important, causing all your friends to wish they too could know the utter awesomeness of something unique as "driving to work."

C. Post something mysterious.

Example: Got the test results today. So relieved!  ("So relieved" can be replaced with "So excited!"  "It's just what I feared."  "So scared." "Worried for nothing.")

This is a good wall post because it will cause no less than 32 people to comment, including those you friended 8 months ago and have never once "spoken" to you, wanting to know what happened.

Chris: Are you okay?
Myra: What's wrong?
Kelly: What happened?
Chip: What kind of test was it?
Donald: Have you been sick?
Laura: Was it the SAT's?  I just took mine.
Ally: Are you pregnant?

You're going to want to ignore these and all other comments except for the one from Jenny, the only person you've had an actual conversation with in the last eight weeks and the only one you want knowing what is actually going on with you.

Jenny: What did the doctor say?
You: I'll message you.

This means you'll have a private facebook conversation that no one else can see.

You may be tempted to just start out this way and skip the wall post.  But don't.  That's rude.  Would you be at a dinner party with a bunch of friends and wait until you and Jenny were alone to share your private news?  No.  You would lean over and whisper in her ear in front of everyone else.  Jenny would gasp and the two of you would exchange a look.  That's called manners. The rules that apply in real life also apply in facebook life.

Which leads me to the last tip to remember when setting up your facebook page.

4. Commenting on Friend's Wall Posts
This tip is pretty straight forward.  Someone talks to you, you respond.

Example: Your friend says he just tied his shoelaces. LOL!

Appropriate responses include:

So funny dude!
No way man, so did I.
I did that yesterday.
My daughter can tie her shoes.
Shoelace tying is the best.
I'm wearing slip-ons!
My dog ate my shoelaces.
Loop & Swoop or Bunny Ears?

That last one is great because it will start a Loop & Swoop v. Bunny Ears debate among the other commenters.  In facebook life starting a debate is like buying the bar a round of drinks in real life.

The other thing to remember about commenting is that it's always good to comment on a conversation between two friends, especially if it involves an inside joke.

Mary: Pillow Time!
April: Haha.  That was a crazy night.
Mary: I still can't believe he did that.
April: Seriously, he was out of control.
Mary: Now every time someone gets our their camera, I have to resist the urge to yell Pillow Time!
April: LOL!
You: What's Pillow Time?
You: Are you guys talking about Robert?
You: Pillow Time!  LOL. So funny.

This is a good thing to do because it's like in real life when two people are standing off to the side having a private conversation and you jump in and want to know what they're talking about.  People love it in facebook life as much as they love it in real life.

So there you have it.  Follow those four simple tips and kiss your FEAR OF FACEBOOK goodbye.  You will soon have hundreds of friends and enjoy a rich and rewarding facebook life.


P.S.  I'm launching my facebook page this weekend.  Probably.


I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.