Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Husband and I: Doing Our Part to Spread Holiday Cheer. No, Christmas Cheer. Kwanza?

After going on a tour of Christmas lights last night, the husband and I launched into an in depth conversation on the meaning of Christmas. Or something.

Me: Have you noticed lately how offended people are when you say Happy Holidays?  They respond with MERRY. CHRISTMAS.  It makes me not want to say anything.  Like sometimes I say Happy Holidays because I mean Christmas and New Years.  And besides Christmas is a holiday.

The husband: If someone says Merry Christmas when you say Happy Holidays you should be like: oh you’re one of those people.  And they’ll be like: one of what people?

Me: What’s even better is when someone says they like something and you say: you look like the kinda person who would like that.

The husband: For an entire week any time anyone says they like something we should respond with: you look like the kinda person who would like that.  And they’d say: what do you mean.  And we would say: You’re a little paranoid aren’t you?

Me: Or we could inhale sharply, like when you suck the air between your teeth, and say: Ohhh…  And walk away.

The husband:  I like chicken fingers.  Ohhh, you look like someone who likes chicken fingers.  We’d be creating mass amounts of paranoia.

Me: If someone says MERRY. CHRISTMAS. when I say Happy Holidays, I’m going to say HAPPY. HOLIDAYS.

The husband: MERRY! CHRISTMAS!


The husband: MERRY!!! CHRISTMAS!!!


The husband:  Happy Chanukah

Me:  Happy Kwanza.  What the heck is Kwanza?  Does anyone even celebrate it?

Me: Do they celebrate Christmas in China?

The husband: No.

Me: What?!

The husband: no

Me: WHAT?!!!  Why not?

The husband: Because they’re not Christian.

Me: So?  Christmas so become so secular.  So many people celebrate it without celebrating the true meaning.

The husband: Well maybe they put up winter decorations.

Me: What does Merry Merry mean?  People say it but I don’t know why.  I don’t know what it means but I said it an email yesterday.  Merry Merry!

The husband: People are so worried about offending people by saying Christmas that they say Merry Merry?  If someone said Happy Chanukah to me, I’d say Happy Chanukah back.

Me: No.  I think they just say it.  Like for people you see a lot and get tired of saying the same thing.  Merry Christmas.  Merry Christmas.  Merry Christmas.  So they say Merry Merry.

The husband: Oh. Weird.

That’s pretty much where it ended, which isn’t a very good ending.

So…then an evil troll pounced on our car and declared Christmas was canceled.  The husband and I jumped out of the car and I said, "no one messes with my favorite holiday."  And the troll said, "Ohhh, you're one of those people."  And I was all HAPPY HOLIDAYS!  HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!  HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!  And the troll did this obnoxious little jig on the hood of our car.  Because, apparently?  He's Irish.  And then the husband retrieved the gun that was secured to his back with packing tape, pointed it at the troll and said, "Yipee Kai Aye, motherf*cker," and shot the troll and Christmas was saved.

You’re welcome.

The End.

Oh, and, P.S.  MERRY. CHRISTMAS. to all!


  1. Merry Christmas! Like your Die Hard reference. Although I kinda hate Die Hard for giving P the idea of McClain as the ONLY NAME ACCEPTABLE for our potential son. Not going to happen.

  2. Merry Christmas! Love you all and miss you tons! Thanks for commenting. You know I'm a whore for comments. You can't hate Die Hard! Greatest. Movie. Ever. And Bruce Willis. Drool. Oh, and McClain? Kind of an awesome name. I'm with Phillip on this one. Or how about Hanns? Then people could be like, youhoo Hanns, over here. Oh Hanns you're so smart. Oh Hanns you're so funny. Oh Hanns, you and your rapier wit. And he'll be like, "I'm not a rapist." And they'll be like, "No Silly. Not rapist. Rapier. Like a sword." And Hanns will be like, "Don't you mean a lance?" And they'll be like, "Yes!" And Hanns will be like, "that's not even close to the same thing as a rapist. Argh! Why did my parents name me Hanns?!"

    The answer to your question is zero. I've had zero glasses of wine. Zero in real life. In my head? About six.


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