Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Someone's Getting Stabbed

This post started out as marriage advice; however, this is the third time I'm attempting to write this because my computer is a douche and decided to shut down for no other reason than being douchey, so now I'm feeling stabby and this post will still contain marriage advice but probably also a whole bunch of other crap that I, in no way, take responsibility for.

So here goes the marriage advice.  Did you know that 86% of marriages that end in divorce do so because of mixed signals?  I'm not entirely sure that that figure is accurate or if that statistic actually exists.  It's highly possible that I just made it up.  But statistics make people sound more credible - according to an article in Cosmo that said 93% of people take advice more seriously if that advice contains facts and figures.

Just kidding.  Cosmo doesn't have articles like that.  Their articles are all about sex.  Like the top 5 things NOT to do to get your man in the mood:

5. Punch him in the testicles
4. Light his nipples on fire
3. Laugh at the size of his penis
2. Tell him you fantasize about his brother
1. Say, "are you sure it's hard?"

Really Cosmo?  Did we really need an article to tell us that punching our man in the balls will not assist in achieving an optimum sexual experience?

But lighting nipples on fire?  You obviously didn't include the husband in your survey, because that totally turns him on.

Okay, fine.  He totally hated it that time I tried and now I'm banned from using lighters.  Which means all the candles in my house are purely decorative now.  Thanks a lot Cosmo.

As I was saying, mixed signals in a marriage can lead to divorce.


The wife who tells the husband, "sure honey, go out and drink with your friends while I clean house from top to bottom getting it ready for your mother's impending visit."  And the husband's like, "are you sure you don't need my help?"  And the wife says, "do whatever you want honey."  And the idiot husband goes out and has drinks with the guys.  And when he gets home he's ambushed by his wife who stabs him in the kneecap with a broken broomstick.

That's a classic case of mixed signals.  Well, technically it's a classic case of mixed signals.  But it's more the case of the husband being a total moron.  Here's a tip guys: if your woman says do whatever you want, DON'T DO IT.  What she really means is, if you do what you want I will stab you in the kneecap.

I feel the need to point out that this example was purely an example.  Not a description of a situation that has actually happened to me and the husband.  He would never leave the cleaning of the whole house for an impending mother-in-law visit entirely to me.  He actually does his fair share of cleaning and is quite good at it.

So, that was just an example.  And not a very good one.  The following, however, is a very real life example of mixed signals the husband and I recently had.

Road trips with the husband are super fun, but also mildly frustrating.  He likes to listen to talk radio.  I like to listen to music.  I usually win because I pitch a fit until I get my way the husband is nice; however, deciding on what type of music to listen is like trying to cure cancer, accomplish world peace, insert your own cliche here.

Recently we traveled to Gainesville to see the boys of old Florida fumble a whole bunch of snaps (I love you Gators, but really?  Really? Fumbling snaps?  You're breaking my heart. Also, Steve A-douche-io, you suck.).  The husband was working the radio controls.  He scrolls through the stations and stops on pure crap.

Me (after what is probably only 5 seconds but feels like 50): Really?

The husband: You don't like this?  I was just going to leave it here until you told me you were going to stab me in the throat if I don't change the channel.

He changes the channel.  "I'm in the mood to listen to rap music."

The husband is almost never in the mood to listen to rap music.  Usually car rides go like this:
       Me: Rap music yay!  Salt Shaker. Get Low.  Miss New Booty.  Miss New Booty again.  And again.  Yay for new booties.  This song is great. 
       The husband: Have you seen my gun?

The husband scrolls through the rap stations and stops on a song talking about french fries or some such nonsense.

Me: French fries?  Really?  This song is dumb.

The husband: Not all rap songs are about bitches and hoes f*cking.

Me: N*gg*s and hoes, honey.  It's n*gg*s and hoes that f*ck.

Stoopid rap song:  French fries. French fries. Blah blah blah.  Girl I'm gonna eat your french fries.

Me: Please change this.

The husband: Kelley, I don't know any of the latest rap songs because I always change the channel.  Now, let's listen.

Me: I'm going to stab you in the throat.

The husband changes the channel.  He continues to scroll and finds not one decent song.  Seriously XM radio, you have like 5,000 stations.  Can't you devote at least one of them to music that doesn't make me want to bash my head through a wall.

The husband stops on a song.  Apparently he likes it.  It sucks.  I try to wait it out.  The suckage continues.  Finally I can take it no longer and I explode.  "Change this right now!!  I can't take it!!! AAAAAAA!!!"

The husband: You think you can tell me to change the channel a little sooner, you know, before the frustration builds and you explode?

Hello? Can we say mixed signals?  Apparently threatening to stab him in the throat is okay, but raising my voice is bad.

Now, there's some marriage advice for you.  If your spouse if frustrating you, resort to physical violence.  But don't, under any circumstances, talk in a slightly elevated voice.

Somehow marriage advice about avoiding mixed signals turned into advice on how to communicate or resolve conflict or get your way or something like that.  Which makes me think I'm not so good at this marriage advice thing.  Also, I think I just said it was okay to stab your spouse.  It's totally not okay to stab your spouse.  You shouldn't do that.  That's probably the best advice I've ever given.

1 comment:

  1. Ashley "rip em up" ReisSeptember 16, 2010 at 7:31 PM

    You said "seriously xm radio"...I thought that was the name of some kind of merger between xm and sirius...seriously


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