Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Blogging 101

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.   
Cyril Connolly


Blogging 101


Do you have a lot to say?  Do you have important advice to offer, life saving tips to provide, witty stories to tell, masterful tales to share?  Have you decided that starting a blog is the best way to present your genius to the world but have been paralyzed to go any further because you’re not really sure how this whole blogging thing works?

Well it’s a good thing you read my blog because I’m here to offer you a step by step guide to blogging.

Step 1: Decide you are going to start a blog and come up with a kick ass name.

Step 2: Worry that no one will read your blog.

Step 3: Worry that you’ll have to censor yourself because you might end up offending someone if you say the things you really want to say.

Step 4: Take comfort in the fact that probably no one will read your blog.

Step 5: Set up your blog account.

Step 6: Chicken out and don’t write anything for five months.

Step 5: Write your first blog post.

Step 6: Wait two weeks to tell anyone you’ve started a blog.

Step 7: Think the first thing you wrote is probably the best thing you’ll ever write.

Step 8: Consider shutting down blog.

Step 9: Get emails from friends that they like your blog.

Step 10: Feel encouraged.  Write second post.

Step 11: Undergo severe anxiety.

Step 12: Gain a few followers, consider yourself a celebrity.

Step 13: Write a really brilliant story.

Step 14: Check your blog five minutes after posting said story to see if you have any comments.

Step 15: You don’t.

Step 16: Hit the refresh button.

Step 17: No comments.

Step 18: Reread your story.  Find typos: you wrote “there” when you meant “their” and “two” when you meant “too.”

Step 19: Are relieved no one has read your latest post yet.

Step 20: Wait five minutes and check for comments again.

Step 21: No comments.

Step 22: Reread post.

Step 23: Decide it’s the best thing you’ve ever read.  Ever.

Step 24: Hit refresh.  No comments.

Step 25: Catch up on all the blogs on your blog list.

Step 26: Reread your post.

Step 27: Find the sentence: “I went make store banana.”

Step 28: Spend ten minutes trying to decipher what you actually meant.

Step 29: Delete sentence.

Step 30: Refresh page.  No comments.

Step 31: Worry that what you wrote was highly offensive to all your readers.

Step 32: Reread blog to find offensive parts.

Step 33: Find a few bad words.

Step 34: Decide to take them out.

Step 35: Remember that you hate censorship.

Step 36: Leave in bad words. If people don’t like, they don’t have to read it.

Step 37: Decide to add a bunch of bad words for the hell of it.

Step 38: The husband yells that dinner is ready.

Step 39: Eat dinner.

Step 40: Quiz the husband to see if he’s been reading your blog.

Step 41: He hasn’t.

Step 42: Develop plot to punish the husband.

Step 43: Race back upstairs to check blog.

Step 44: No comments.

Step 45: Reread all your previous posts.

Step 46: Wonder why you don’t have book deal yet.

Step 47: Find a bunch of typos in previous posts.

Step 48: Develop a theory as to why you don’t have a book deal yet.

Step 49: Check to see if you have any comments.

Step 50: Check to see if internet connection is working.

Step 51: Restart computer.

Step 52: No comments.

Step 52: Compose letter to blogger.com telling them that obviously blogger is broken because you have no comments.

Step 52: Have two, make that three, step 52's because if you changed it you'd have to change all the numbers after 52 and you're way too lazy for that.

Step 52: Get mad at yourself because your first inclination, in that last sentence, was to say "you're too effing lazy for that.  But instead of saying "effing" you wanted to say the f. *.c.k. word, only without the *, but you're afraid the f.*.c.k. word is too offensive for some people.

Step 52: Think that 5 step 52's is getting a little ridiculous.

Step 52: Considering renumbering.

Step 52: Realize if you renumber, you won't end up with 69 steps.

Step 52: Are prevented from renumbering by the thirteen year old boy inside of you who snickers at the number 69.

Step 52: Realize the phrase "thirteen year old boy inside of you" could be taken the wrong way if read out of context.

Step 52: Begin to realize why you don't have more followers.

Step 53: Check blog from the husband's phone.

Step 54: No comments.

Step 55: Contemplate making up a bunch of identities who will become followers of your blog and leave comments.

Step 56: Decide to have crazy awesome sex with the husband instead.

Step 57: Write about crazy awesome sex on blog and see how long it takes for the husband to find out.

Step 58: Check blog after crazy awesome sex.

Step 59: No comments.

Step 60: Feel like loser.  Go to bed.

Step 61: Check blog in morning.  Have new follower.

Step 62: Pee your pants.

Step 63: Max out at nine followers.

Step 64: Don’t want to seem like a desperate, pathetic attention starved whore so instead of directly asking all your friends to tell every single person they know about your awesome blog, cleverly disguise your request in a post about how to blog.

Step 65: Realize none of your friends will even see your request because this post is way too long and not all that interesting.

Step 66: Contemplate not posting post and starting all over with legitimate story.

Step 67: Remember that you are a supremely lazy person.

Step 68: Post story.

Step 69: Begin stalking blog for comments.

***********************************************************************
Mah Book Progress: 12.5 New Pages.  I'm so impressed with myself it's ridiculous.


 

3 comments:

  1. ok i just left you a really long and witty comment and then it didn't post. grrr. basically i wanted you to know the following:
    -hilarious post
    -especially the 9th step 52-i lol'd for reals.
    -andrew (and I) REALLY want to read that sex scene.
    -bet that would bring more followers-just sayin ;)
    -Oh and yay for book progress!!! Keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry you lost your witty comment! Sometimes Blogger is a total douche. But thank you for commenting! You are my officially my favorite follower and, well, my favorite everything!! I'm going to make a special award just for you. Keep an eye out.

    About the sex scene, um, yeah, I read it the other night, you know, for kicks, and it make me blush. I think I'll have to get really drunk before I let you read it. But I can't give it to you electronically because I don't want any trace of it. So I'll give it to you in person. Maybe for our girls weekend. Maybe I'll even do a dramatic reading. I'm sure that's appropriate behavior to engage in with 3 children under the age of 8 months in the room. And them when AJ, Camilla, and Maddie grow up and become porn stars we can all be like, I wonder what made them want to do that?

    Seriously, thanks for commenting. You are the best.

    Oh, and I apologize if it is total inappropriate to talk about your friends' children doing porn. I'm not really sure of the rules yet.

    ReplyDelete
  3. you can down a bottle (or two or seven) of wine first to get you in the mood.

    and how appropriate is this-the word verification for this post is "rumsio"

    I think we have some rum too so pick your poison.

    ReplyDelete

I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.