Friday, July 30, 2010

Letter to Rose Winnie

Internets, you will never believe what happened to me!  The best news ever!  I am about to be a millionaire.

No, I didn't win the lottery.  No, I did have a streak of luck at the Craps table.  No, I didn't go on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and get all the questions right.

In fact, I didn't do anything.  Well, anything other than check my email.  And there it was, an email from my dear friend rose winnie telling me she is going to make me a millionaire.  And I don't have to do anything except give her a little information.

Sounds too good to be true?  Well it's not!  Look, here is the email she sent me.

Hello my dear,

I am Mrs rose winnie, a banker and manager of Audit & Accounts department in our Bank. I used to be a personal account manager to the late Mr. Peter Nelson, our Bank customer who was recently involved in the ill fated Kenya Airways crash in Africa.

As his account officer, hearing the report of his death, I made many inquiries to trace the extended family relatives to come forward to claim their inheritance but my efforts were aborted. It was during one of my research I came across your email address and now decided to appoint you as the next of kin in order to claim said deposited fund with our Bank which is at a summary of US$8.5 millions United States Dollars.

I am giving you this vital and confidential information in order to make a deal with you and get this fund transfered to you as the recipient and beneficiary since you are a foriegn person. You will take 60% and give me 40% after the transfer to your account.Therefore, if you are ready to cooperate with me, then please email me back with the necessary particulars below;

Your full Name:

Age:  Sex: & Marital Status:

Address with contact telephone and fax numbers:



A Copy of your pass-port or driving licence.

To enable me introduce you to the bank as the new beneficiary/ recipient of the funds.If you can handlle this, then reach me back urgently.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation Regards, Mrs rose winnie

Awesome, right?  Here is what I wrote back to Mrs winnie.

My dearest rose winnie,

No. Effing. Way. You just made my day. $8.5 millions dollars!! You are making all my dreams come true.

It was so nice of you to appoint me the next of kin to the dearly departed Mr. Nelson. I must confess, I did some research and found no information on that ill fated Kenya Airways flight. I also find your methods of determining a beneficiary quite unusual and find it curious that you have the authority to dispense of his funds in such a manner. However, I have never been to Africa, so perhaps this is standard operating procedure when a millionaire dies and there are no relatives to receive the inheritance. And you do sound most official with the capitalization of the word Bank and Audit & Accounts, which gives me great confidence that you, my dear rose, work for a legitimate institution and are in no way trying to scam me.

I hope you do not take any offense to my initial suspicions. I was not trying to imply you are anything other than a most ethical and upstanding citizen, it’s just that us foreigners have to be careful! There are so many crazy emails floating around out there asking for our personal information, and if it were to fall into the wrong hands our identity could be stolen and our funds completely wiped out.

But I am confident this is not one of those emails and I will gladly supply you with ALL my information. Please process this as soon as possible as I have already quit my job and taken out a loan to purchase my own personal island in the Caribbean. I look forward to the day you can join me on my island rose, where we will sip Mai Tais and bask in our new-found wealth (and maybe even work on your spelling and punctuation a little – you know, for a little mental stimulation.)

Your full Name: My name is slightly unusual and often confuses people, so I’ll break it down for you.
First Name: Ivant
Middle Name: Mai-identiti
Last Name: Stowlen

Age: Old Enough to Know Better

Sex: Doggie Style. All day. Every day.

Marital Status: Married, but we have an OPEN marriage, wink wink

Address: 1234 I’m An Idiot Street, America

Contact telephone: 1 800 753-273-7253-255-696-0639. Whew! That’s a long one. I’ve come up with this acronym to help you remember
1 800 PleaseTakeAllMyMoney 

Fax numbers: I don’t have one fax number let alone multiple fax numbers. I do hope this won’t be a problem. If it is, please let me know. I will gladly run out and get a fax machine and as many fax numbers as you need.

Occupation: Goddess of Sarcasm

Nationality: Ooh – I don’t feel comfortable giving this out. A little too personal for me. Surely you can proceed without this information.

A Copy of your pass-port or driving licence: Sure, no problem. While I’m at it, let me give you my bank account number and social security number. You know, just in case you need it. I really don’t want anything to hold up this transaction.

No need to thank me for my cooperation dear rose. It is I who should be thanking you. And I do. From the bottom of my stolen identity.  I mean, heart.

See you in paradise!

Mah Book Progree: 4 New Pages!!  Woo Hoo!

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