Wednesday, July 14, 2010

If I Twittered...

It should come as no surprise to you that I don't Twitter. Mainly because I don't get it. But also because when Twitter first came out I was like, "Seriously, could there be anything more narcissistic? Are people so in love with themselves that they think other people care that they just test drove a car, or dyed their hair blue, and peed four times in one hour, or are about to jump off the empire state building?" (By the way, if you're about to jump off the empire state building, you should call me. I care. But don't text me. Texting isn't a part of my plan, so it costs, like 18 cents, every time I receive a text. I don't care that much.)

(I'm also pretty sure Twitter is the government's latest conspiracy.  Like walking on the moon and Lindsey Lohan.)

The first time I heard about Twitter was from this crazy homeless bag lady (is that redundant? Can you be a bag lady and not be homeless? It is questions like this that make me think I should Twitter or tweet or twat or whatever it's called. But I'm getting ahead of myself.). I was in a meeting with my colleagues and I honestly don't remember what we were talking about, probably solving all the worlds problems or something, and this lady jumped up and shouted "Twitter!" and I naturally assumed she was having a seizure, because twitter isn't even a word, but everyone else was like, "Who let the crazy homeless bag lady in here?" And I said, "People have some compassion, she's having a seizure. Roll her on her side. Just cuz she's homeless doesn't mean it's okay if she chokes on her tongue." But everyone just ignored me and got back to solving the world's problems. But she just kept saying "Twitter!" "Twitter!" "Twitter!" And then I was like, "Yeah, someone get her out of here."

Right before we threw her out the room, she screamed, "Twitter! It's the next big thing!"

Yeah. Right.

Flash forward a few months and people are twatting all over the place.

And that's when I was like, "Could these people be any more in love with themselves? I am never going to do that."

Apparently I like eating my words (remember that whole bridesmaid dress pregnancy thing?) and now I'm like, "Yeah Twitter, I still don't get you, but I'm starting to understand the need for you."

Example: If I twittered/tweeted/twatted I could pose the question: Can you be a bag lady and not be homeless? And I would get thousands of responses. It would also come in handy when I'm at Target and staring at two different brands of Four Cheese Pizza: Red Baron and one I already forgot the name of. I could ask the Twitter world which one I should choose and get instant advice. But I don't Twitter and was left to my own devices and chose the Red Baron. And guess what? Red Baron pizza tastes like gross cafeteria pizza. Thanks a lot Twitter.

(Note: Red Baron did not pay me for that endorsement of their pizza. Dear Red Baron, I will totally accept money for that endorsement. Please send the check straight away.)

Over the last few weeks I have found several occasions when I wish I did, in fact, Twitter. But me figuring out Twitter is like asking really smart doctors and scientists to come up with a cure for polio. Aint. Gonna. Happen.

Soooooo, I will use my blog to tell you what I would Tweet if I did in fact Twitter.

P.S. Whenever I see people writing about what they tweeted or they copied a tweet exchange from their Twitter account, there's always that at symbol in front of their name, you know, this one: @, but that is ridiculous and stupid and I refuse to participate in Twitter's shenanigans, so I will not be including the @ in my Twitter posts.

SarcasmGoddess: I just had a Krystal Burger for the first time. Krystal Burgers are not food.

SarcasmGoddess: I just took a bite of a Krystal chicken sandwich and bit into hair. Lots of hair.

SarcasmGoddess: Where's the support Twitter community?! I just said I bit into hair!

SarcasmGoddess: Can you get lice in your mouth? Because I think I have it.

SarcasmGoddess: If I swallow the lice will they die or should I spit them into my hand and put them in my hair and then go buy that lice killing shampoo and make my husband comb through my head?

SarcasmGoddess: There is a white stain on the sheets of the dirty hotel we're staying in. It's probably dried vanilla ice cream and not semen, right?

SarcasmGoddess: I should probably find friends other than my dogs. Their behavior is starting to wear off on me. The other day at work, I heard a siren outside and I almost started howling. It wasn't a conscious thing, more like a visceral reaction. My dogs howl every time a siren goes by, but I am at work and it's not bring-your-dog-to-work day so my dogs aren't here. So there was no howling. My body must have sensed that something was missing, hence the wanting to howl. Have I reached Twitter's character limit yet?

SarcasmGoddess: This one's for the ladies. When did it become fashionable to grow boobs on your back?

SarcasmGoddess: That last tweet will make more sense when I post my "I Don't Get Fashion" story on my blog.

SarcasmGoddess: Hey, you should check out my blog! It's

Um. That's it. If I twittered I would use it to get advice on getting rid of lice, identifying white stains, talking about boobs and whoring out my blog.

Aren't you sad I don't tweet? Maybe if you ask really nicely I'll start. But probably not. Remember? Me and Twitter is like doctors and polio.

Update: The husband just informed me that really smart doctors and scientists did come up with a cure for polio, so that wasn't a very good analogy for saying I will never figure out Twitter. Um...okay - me and Twitter is like schizophrenic squirrels and polio.

That doesn't work either.

I'm pretty sure schizophrenic squirrels caused polio. So that's like saying I caused Twitter. Which I didn't. Just wanted to clarify in case there was any confusion.

Oh! I've got it! Me and Twitter is like a Star Trek crazed teenage boy and sex. That one works on so many levels. Not only are both of those things never going to happen, but teenage boys shouldn't have sex (sex is for marriage, you horny teenagers) just like I shouldn't Twitter. If I did, I'm pretty sure the world would implode. So basically, by not twittering, I'm saving humanity. You're welcome.

I'm feeling rebellious today and am not going to provide you with an update on mah book progress.  But I will tell you this, I wrote twice as many pages today as I did yesterday.  That's called being on a roll.  Not a roll as in a Kaiser roll or a poppy seed roll, but as in...oh forget it.

1 comment:

  1. The new star trek movie rocked. I would totally do high school boys that like it.


I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.