Friday, July 9, 2010

The CIA Will Not Tell You How Many Bones There are in the Human Body. The KGB? Maybe. As Long As Their Bumper's Not Getting Busy With Your Bumper.

Today I was tailed by a black Mercedes driven by a big burly man when I was on my way to get a sandwich from the most amazing deli that, immediately upon walking in, you are flooded with the most delectable smells and it takes every ounce of strength, and the desire to not be arrested, not to jump on the counter and scurry behind the glass displaying the delicious food inducing aroma and shove every last morsel in your mouth like a schizophrenic squirrel on crack.

Seriously, the KGB is after me.  Except I'm not entirely sure what the KGB is.  I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Russia and the mafia, or maybe the police, possibly the U.S. equivalent of the CIA, except that I don't think you can text the CIA during a party and ask them how many bones there are in the human body.

You go your entire life assuming that if you were ever tailed by the KGB it would be terrifying, but you have no idea exactly how terrifying it is until you are in that situation.  As I was turning the corner, the black Mercedes practically bumped my bumper and I said out loud, "get off my ass Mercedes," and I didn't even follow it with "that's what she said."  That's how terrified I was.  And then I was like, maybe it's not the KGB, maybe it's a spy (unless the KGB are spies, then it's pretty much the same thing, like if I said "a frog just jumped on me, but maybe it's not a frog it's a Rana Areolata," which, as it turns out, is a crawfish frog, not a frog with prominent areolas, but a frog nonetheless.)

And then my brain started hyperventilating because normally it would be ridiculous to think you are being followed by spies, except that we, as in the United States of America, recently arrested some Russian spies which coincidentally coincides with the movie Salt starring Angelina-I-kissed-my-brother-and-used-to-wear-a-vile-of-my-boyfriend's-blood-around-my-neck-and-stole-Brad-Pitt-away-from-Jennifer-Aniston Jolie.

And you are like oh my gosh you are such a genius for realizing that.

However, I cannot take credit for noticing this coincidence.  The only reason I even know Salt exists is because I was checking my email the other day and Yahoo informed me that Ashley commented on an article about the Russian spy thing.  Yahoo informed me.  Not Ashley.  Which means Yahoo is spying on us.  All of us.  I had no idea I would be alerted every time one of my fellow Yahooers commented on an article, which would have been nice to know before I made all those comments on those articles about clown porn.  I thought I was commenting anonymously, but apparently my entire address book was being alerted.  If I had wanted people to know I had an interest in clown porn I would have told them, but it's a secret that I prefer to keep secret.  Except that I think I may have just informed at least nine people that I'm interested in clown porn.

After I turned the corner, the black Mercedes changed lanes and sped off.  It's possible that the big burly man was not a spy or the KGB (same difference?) and maybe he was just running late, or liked to drive fast, or his wife was at home in labor and he needed to get her to the hospital.  All of those are probably more likely than being tailed by the Russian mafia.  Probably.  Which means I needlessly revealed the fact that I like to comment on clown porn.  You win again, clown porn.

Update:  For those of you that have an aversion to clowns.  Or porn.  I never commented on clown porn, nor do I have an interest in clown porn.  That's disgusting.  So for all those who've been reading my blog, but never commented because you've been waiting for a post worthy enough to comment on and were like, finally! clown porn, and are in the process of writing "clown porn rocks" stop immediately, hit the backspace button, and keep hitting it until your screen is blank and then get up and walk away from your computer, go sit in the corner and think about what you were about to do, you sicko.  Wait!  Before you walk away from your computer type the words I. Love. Your. Blog. You. Are. So. Awesome. in the comment box, and then walk away.  Even though you are a sicko who likes clown porn, you also enjoy reading my blog, which means you have at least one redeeming quality; ergo, your existence is not completely useless.

Update 2:  Wikipedia, the most reliable information source there is, just informed me that the KGB is the common abbreviation for the Russian Komitet gosudarstvennoy bezopasnosti.  Ahhhh, clarity.

Wikipedia also said  This article may require cleanup to meet Wikipedia's quality standards. Please improve this article if you can.

First of all, I was not aware wikipedia had quality standards.

Second of all, I can think of no better improvement to their lamo article about the Komitet gosudarstvennoy bezopasnosti than to add my blog to the further reading section.

Update 3: I do not have the ballz to add a link to my blog to the further reading section.  I'm pretty sure the Komitet gosudarstvennoy bezopasnosti arrest you for that.  Whenever possible, I try to avoid being arrested.

Update 4:  I don't have a fourth update.  I just don't want to say good-bye yet. I miss you when we're not together.  Except for you, clown porn freaks. You still disturb me.

Update 5:  This whole blog was based on a dare that I could not say "clown porn" at least ten times in my blog.

Update 6.  No it wasn't.


Mah Book Progress :

1 new page.  But it was about clown porn.  So it's probably not going to make the final cut.

Mah Book Progress Update:

I did not write about clown porn in my book.  What is with you people and clown porn?  You're really starting to creep me out.


  1. I. Love. Your. Blog. You. Are. So. Awesome

  2. AAAHAHAHAHA!! I knew you were a closet lover of clown porn!

  3. I had just copied this and was getting ready to paste it in the comment box, when I saw that J had already beat me to it! Some friends you have.

    I. Love. Your. Blog. You. Are. So. Awesome.

    Bunch of sickos is right


I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.